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ok, so!
2009-11-12 19:35:09
Came up with a new way to perhaps improve my attitude and motivation: if I've got a great concept, then the "only" thing left is properly crafting an AMV which represents that concept, right? I get waaaayyy too interested in things which are not concepts so much as "OMG, but just imagine IF...!!" You can't make an AMV out of "just imagine if." You have to make AMVs out of an "if" that actually exists, the "if" being a solid concept. The concept can be making an eye-popping, synched-to-death action video - nothing wrong with that - but there's got to be a goal, a purpose, a method behind the madness.
Now, I've got a great method/concept behind XII. Always did. The question is, can I figure out the right way to showcase that concept? Yee! A challenge! *fixates on challenge* Must...rise...to challenge!!
*deletes lengthy evaluation of old-school AMVs which is neither here nor there*
Not that I can do any editing while I'm still employed and wrecking my health being in front of a computer 14 hours a day. This is probably the #1 reason I haven't made more videos: I can't physically hack it.
Minor amusement of the day: At work I discovered one of the folders on the server is named - for some reason - "lol." I definitely got a chuckle out of seeing THAT pop up in my program. -
And thus I return to days of yore, when bizarre and long-winded internal conversations regarding AMVs bored untold hundreds.
2009-11-11 10:32:01
But first, a bit of irony: Surgery on my AMV-induced fractured ankle is scheduled for next Friday. I injured it on my way out the door to the 2008 AAC convention in N.H., which just happens to be taking place this year on the very day I get on the operating table. Further proof that my life is just one set of crazy coincidences after another.
Meanwhile, I had a really depressing dream last night about AMVs and conventions. It seems that I'd made a video which I didn't think was very good, but which managed to get into the finals of Anime Boston. I won a Best Concept award for it...and was not only less than excited by this, but rather unappreciative all around. Afterwards I found myself sitting in the audience of some AMV panel hosted by Bashar (which makes him the third or fourth AMV editor to somehow wind up in my dreams - not sure Godix counts since I've never met him in person, surfer dude or not). The audience was primarily made up of non-editors, and I distinctly recall the impression that I didn't belong in an environment with AMV enthusiasts at all, despite having a video in the con's competition. Most people would say that this qualifies them to be in the AMV enthusiast crowd.
I tend to suffer the after effects of my dreams for a good long while, which means today I'm depressed about how jaded and unhappy my dream-self was about AMVs - how far removed I was from the enjoyment people get out of them and their value as expressions of creativity, hard work and a desire to entertain others. Bad Lauren, BAD!
While I'm not going to psycho-analyze it extensively (HAHAHA - did I actually write that? - DR), I think this does reflect the attitude I've somehow developed towards future (if any) AMV projects. I've gone from an extremely positive view of what AMV making means to me - one that dictates if I put enough work and passion into a project, it will be a success regardless of what others think of it - to a view that is mostly focused on inevitable failure b/c my idea of what is required for "success" seems impossible to attain. This is a bad attitude to have, particularly when I consider that almost all my AMV ideas are less ambitious than those I've previously had.
I believe one problem is that I'm more aware now of my own limitations than I was before (ignorance is extremely powerful bliss). Another issue is that now there's a certain standard for what I make, a certain bar I and others will inevitably evaluate future endeavors against. That's a problem b/c that's not how I work, I don't ever consciously try to do BETTER simply for the sake of improvement or one-ups-manship. I do better b/c it comes naturally as I learn and grow and/or because whatever I've set out to do is just inherently better than what I've done before. I set very high bars for myself, which is one reason I can do what I do even when other people think I'm nuts, but there's a fine line between lofty goals and unrealistic goals.
Or maybe what's happened is that I've exhausted my store of "very original, but coherent and doable" AMV ideas and am left only with truly outrageous, impossible concepts? *mentally reviews concepts* Yeah...no...drat. :(
One familiar with my journal posting habits should be able to tell that I am getting close to becoming embroiled in another AMV. It's kind of funny how obviously distressing I find the process. - Random AMV.org musingism 2009-11-08 10:43:01 Does anyone else find it a real let-down when you go searching for AMVs ranked by opinion or star score (in an attempt to increase the chances of finding something above average) and you find one that looks good, go to download it and are told you've downloaded it before? It's like "whoosh." If I a) don't remember a video or b) don't already have a video, then that's a sure sign I wasn't happy with what I found the first time I watched it. :| I usually download it again, though, on the off-chance the second time around will be better.
- Hey! 2009-11-06 18:51:38 I've got a better idea for an 'Org-wide MEP, I had it awhile ago, actually. The problem is, I can't imagine how one song (or even five or ten or 100) could possibly contain the contributions of everyone 'Org wide who would be invited to participate. It could devolve into people yelling "That was my frame! Did you see my frame!!? My frame was WAY better than the others!"
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*sniff sniff*
2009-11-04 19:57:44
I received a nice comment on 'Bustin via the Tube today, and it got me all nostalgic and stuff. I eventually wound up on my 'Bustin photo gallery, reading through descriptions what I'd written well over a year and a half ago regarding the easy-to-make, had-a-blast, not-very-difficult, but probably most memorable, aspect of that AMV: the tabloids.
It got me thinking that I'll probably never have the opportunity to do something like that again, which got me thinking that it's really unfortunate. I've got AMV ideas, I've got some really goods ones, the problem is I don't have the technical skills to back them up. I had such skills for my AMVs thus far (within reason, one could argue that screwing up AR is auto-fail), but going forward? I'm being held back by my ineptitude, which is a bitter pill to swallow since I've leaned so heavily on what I CAN do well thus far to make up for what I can't.
I need to figure out how to keep leaning. XII leans, but...I don't think I'd have deleted some 8 GB+ worth of clips for no reason. Yes, I distinctly remember stating, right here in my journal, that it was a great relief to ditch that AMV because it was something that simply could not be made. Not enough footage, or some such statement. In fact, I deleted every last scrap of material for that AMV because I wanted to be sure I was never again tempted to make it. Well, that didn't work. :| I'm horribly stubborn.
At the moment the only reasons I'm eyeballing XII again are a) I am in the mood for wrath and b) I do my best work when I have a nagging suspicion that the odds are against me. The question is: do I feel the odds are against me strongly enough to overcome them? The downside is that, as I've said before: I absolutely do not enjoy nor want to make AMVs that inspire anything but positive feelings in people. If I can make someone smile or laugh or otherwise enjoy three or four minutes of their life more than they would have had they not found my AMVs, then I'm happy and feel I've done my job. XII is not a happy AMV and therefore does not make me happy. Why, then, should I persist in making myself unhappy? I've got lots of other things doing that at the moment....
I'm definitely stressed out b/c I'm posting in my journal more and debating far too much the justification behind my AMV dos and don'ts. ARGH! *deletes two more paragraphs*
JOURNAL: DriftRoot (Lauren C.)
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