-
p.s. - because I love p.s. (not to be confused with b.s., which is also fun, but not going to take place here).
2008-05-02 22:20:33
I was asked where I'm going and why, and also asked not to go (that was nice, I wasn't expecting that, you didn't need to do that...but it was nice ^_^). Others are, perhaps, wondering whether I really am an egotistical idiot. Not hardly. It's also not ALL my fault...I can't explain without doing the very thing I swore not to do anymore...but just one more time should be ok. (jeez, it's like I'm an alcoholic..."Just one more, then I'm done." Yeah, right.) So here we go...
I try not to make a fuss about my success with 'Bustin because it scares the hell out of me. Yes, I celebrated when I won my awards, but I'm not going to run around gushing about it 24/7 - that's just not my cup of tea (I hate people who do stuff like that). But listen, this was my second major AMV, I spent years and years trying desperately to even make 10 seconds of an AMV and failing spectacularly. So then I suddenly succeed, I'm walking around in a happy daze, waiting for the bubble to burst and the dream to end so I can wake up and go back to being my normal, AMV editor-failure self. But it seems like no one understands this. All they see is someone who's won a bunch of awards, they assume I saw this coming, they assume I thought I was able to pull something like this off, they think I think I'm fantastic. I don't, ok? I mean, I now have a lot more proof that my faith in hard work and myself was not misplaced, but that's about it. I don't want or need any more "glory" than that - I got everything I ever wanted from 'Bustin the moment I found out I made it to the finals at Anime Boston. All the rest is a rather unreal, unexpected bonus. I keep testing to see how far it's going to go, but...that's it.
But then I go and make a STUPID comment that looks like all this has completely gone to my head and POOF - I instantly disgraced not only myself, but also my AMV. l admit it was wrong to think I could get away with making such a statement - tongue-and-cheek though it was. I had a major lapse in judgement about the propriety of saying it, number one, and number two I should have known what was going to walk through the door I left wide, wide open. And yes, it was made because my pride got the best of me, but it was misplaced pride in what I thought I'd accomplished around here, in terms of people knowing who I am and what I believe in, NOT overpuffed pride in myself as an editor or my AMV. It is not my fault what I said was taken completely out of context and hideously misinterpreted. But nevertheless, just like that, whether I think it's justified or not, I managed to put a huge black mark on everything my AMV stands for and all the grief I went through to get where I am with it. All because I screwed up and, this place being what it is, folks were more ready to crucify me than give me the benefit of the doubt. I'm furious not only at myself for getting carried away and careless, but at the people and attitudes around here that enabled an incident like this to occur.
But...hey, it's my fault I said what I said, when you get right down to it, so now I've got to pay the price - accepting the damage that has been done - but that's it, that's as far as it goes. I bucked the trends here for a long time, I even tried to do things "their" way - and I got absolutely nowhere, so I'm done. I'm well aware this may make me look even more arrogant or whatever...but that's not my problem and that's not really what's going on. The truth is that this incident drove home the point that nothing's really changed around here and there's a very, very good reason I never had much to do with it in the first place. In fact, most of my past activity was confined to challenging the status quo...in recent months I lost sight of that, I wound up involved in things that devolved into exactly what I wanted to fight against...and I got burned. It's rather ironic that the people who need to get burned didn't, but I did. It's also a pretty good example of why I think there's something wrong with the way things operate around here.
So now I'm going back to standing up for what I think is right. Difference is, this time around I'm going to make it clear I don't endorse the status quo by choosing to disassociate myself from it. AMV editors (and watchers) do not have to accept or conform to the nastiness that goes on around here. They can make good contributions to the hobby without being obligated to accept or participate in the bad aspects. I tried to do this, I even tried to go a step further and be proactive where I felt improvements could be made, but I failed. You can't change what doesn't want to change. Not unless you win your war, anyways. Now that I've seen firsthand that it's the same-old, same-old whether I'm on the inside or the outside, I'm satisfied this is not a place I want to be. I don't feel obligated any longer to be a part of it. There are other things that more important to me - and should be more important to me - which I need to devote my attention to.
Sooo... ta ta, and thanks for everything. In the future I won't be sticking my neck out any further than necessary, which should make very little difference to most people but a LOT of difference to me. In point of fact, I debated a good 30 minutes whether to add this entry to my journal - bottom line is there was more to be said and I was encouraged, indirectly, to say it. So thanks. I feel better now and perhaps certain others do too. That's a good way to leave things, I think. Yes...very good. -
You know, the Internet is kind of like an X-ray machine: it easily shows other people your insides, with a very hazy sort of image of the outside, but never – for better or for worse - the whole, true person.
2008-04-30 15:08:01
Hi, my name is Lauren, aka DriftRoot. I’ve been hanging around this site since 2002, off and on. In the past year or so I became more active, mostly because I finally uploaded my first few AMVs. Along the way, I made a video that was well received overall and I think is a decent contribution to the hobby.
I also got careless and said and did things I knew better than to do. I did them anyways, for a whole bunch of reasons which a lot of people could care less about. In considering how I will ever make up for those mistakes, I’ve decided I have two options: A) I can continue on like before, albeit in a far more careful, don’t-make-waves way, or B) I can take my medicine really, really hard and demonstrate, number one, the extent of my embarrassment, regret and anger and, number two, that I’m pretty much incapable of keeping my mouth shut and dispensing with the angst.
B2
I wish I could say it’s been a lot of fun, but it hasn’t been, not really. I kept thinking it was getting better, but it wasn’t…and the parts that did seem to get better only did because I preferred to think that something had changed, when in fact nothing had. People are people. I didn’t want to be part of the problem, that’s the opposite of what I wanted…I could see it coming, though, and I should have gotten out awhile ago. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try to listen to my instincts about right and wrong, I’m only human and I have a lot of flaws – the sort that get me into trouble, sooner or later. I also have more faith in my moral compass than is warranted, at times. So, as inevitably happens when I ignore my gut feelings, they came back to bite me very, very hard.
Will this finally drive home the point that I should never, EVER, do something I have a bad feeling about? Probably not, but right now my instincts are telling me that the right thing to do is just to STOP doing something that is not benefiting me in any way, shape or form and, worse, is not benefiting other people at all but, in fact, is harming them. I am appalled and furious that I allowed things to turn out like this, that I became exactly what I’ve tried to take a stand against, that I failed and, in doing so, let myself and other people down…but I can’t turn back the clock. There is nothing I can do to erase what happened, to repair the damage, to undo something that, at the end of the day, was entirely my own fault. The best I can do is try to make sure that it never happens again.
This is Emo Hussy, signing off. -
Ok, now it's getting personal:
2008-04-29 10:21:41
'Bustin QC: "I honestly don't remember much about this video. But I'll give bonuses to you because your mom is hot enough to make up for that."
..... This is probably one of the 400 people or so who have downloaded my AMV but not yet rated it - which scares the hell out of me. I know what happens when I don't leave ratings for AMVs right away - they get lower ratings...
XII
Pre-edit: 6
Starting to tack on the hours for graphic work. I'm going to try very hard with this AMV NOT to sink tons of time into things that easily could wait until I know how the rest of the video looks and feels. I made that mistake with 'Bustin and wound up redoing all kinds of things over and over again when - if I'd just waited and used rough drafts instead - I could have saved myself a lot of work.
In any case, my liking for experimental AMVs will probably (I hope) continue in this project. I don't even know yet if what I have in mind will work, but if it DOES work it's probably going to be pretty cool. I'm not good enough to make a beautifully edited, plain AMV, so I've got to toss in stuff that will make up (hopefully) for my shortcomings. Anyways, we'll see. Today is the first day I've actually been excited about this project, in terms of wanting to sit down and work with it and see if what I'm planning can look good. I seriously need to brush up on my AE skills, though. -
O_0 - I'm stressed. Proof: I made two journal posts in one day!
2008-04-27 18:39:46
I almost had fresh catfish for dinner tonight. While hiking with my dog, we took a slight detour because I wanted to see how badly a certain mountain stream waterfall swimming hole type place had been damaged by the spring melt. Upon arrival, I discovered a decent-sized school of catfish had unfortunately been washed downstream from who knows where and were collectively trying to catch a breather in the shallows.
My dog being a dog, she a) did not see the fish at first and b) when one jumped out of the water right under her nose, was provoked into a prolonged "let's catch the things I can't really see, hear or smell" chase. I had to watch while the poor fish wound up getting sucked downstream in the midst of their escape efforts. If I'd only had a net, I could have swiped a whole bunch and put their lives to better use.
It does make me wonder how they got into that stream, though. As far as I know, it flows predominantly from an underground spring...perhaps a pond or two I don't know about flooded its banks? Sounds like it's time to go exploring some more!! Except that's slightly dangerous...there's bears in these here hills and they tend to be cranky in the spring. They also like catfish. . @_@
LOOK I'M AVOIDING MY AMV!! Should I even make it? I fiddled around with some concepts today in AE and the only thing I got out of the experience was a renewed appreciation for how frustrating AMVing is. I did "fix" the bad clips, although it happened again once or twice so I have a very unpleasant suspicion that the footage itself is truly unstable...but we'll see.
I'm also freaking out a little because I'm waiting to hear if my AMV made it to the finals at ACEN...I have some suspicions about what I'm up against and it's not looking good. Hey. People need more conceptual comedy in their lives, just like Advent Children needed to be taken down a peg or two. :| I'm only trying to serve! -
The AMV Gods Strike Back
2008-04-27 11:59:09
XII
Pre-edit: 5
Here we have another stellar example of, firstly, why I have such a fatalistic attitude about making AMVs, secondly why it takes me so long TO make them and thirdly why I just do not (really, cannot) treat this hobby as casually as other lucky individuals seem to. No project I have ever started has ever been a casual fling, something always goes horribly, horribly wrong.
So happily I go, ripping my Gankutsuou DVD, it seemed to work - yay. Happily I go creating clips and racking up a giant job control list in VDM - yay. Happily I hit Start and watch the "Waiting" switch to "Done" far, far too fast, then a bunch of them switch to "Error" and unhappily begin to get that certain sinking feeling - that would be a non-yay.
Sure enough, about half my clips are completely bad, VDM failed to make proper AVI files out of the VOBs - for whatever reason - and now I get to spend several hours trying to figure out why. I'm kinda sorta thinking it's the footage itself, I've had stability issues with Gankutsuou before and here we go again. (This probably explains why there are so few Gankutsuou AMVs out there, it's hard to work with). Of course, what's really making me nervous is that if it IS the footage, then the stabliity of the good clips I've made also are suspect...imagine putting 100+ hours into this AMV and then finding out that the files eventually cause massive, unalterable glitches that undermine my entire grand plan. OUCH
What's sad is that there's this voice in the back of my mind quietly doing cartwheels about the possibility that I won't be able to make this AMV due to footage issues. And just when I came up with the title, too. :(
JOURNAL: DriftRoot (Lauren C.)
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