- I Never Should've Gotten Up... 2004-03-29 16:25:44 Today started out ok I guess, I only had one class, and it wasn't that bad, until the end, when I said I'd try to have something was doing on my own time ready to show my professoer by the end of the week. Just an outline mind you, but when I began, I couldn't recall the intricacies of my main points! And this is personal dammit! This was to some extent a challenge from him to anyone willing to accept, and I did, I was ready to write it then, but I was distracted, and now having gone back I don't know what to do, but I won't be denied this time! For the past month or so I've been really down, but I'm sick of people not realizing my potential (and me not showing it). Consequently I don't know what I'll do but I'mk not giving in, this time I WIN. You'd think with an attitude like that I'd be more upbeat but the whole thing combined with culmulative effect of everything before has me aggitated, discouraged, and annoyed. My stomach is doing flip-flops thanks to me drinking tons of caffine after having only ate one large meal late last night, and I feel like I'm being pulled in 6 different directions as to what I should do next, but I guess I'll just get home and rest for now, leaving UMBC in 15mins. I'm going to hate to drive like this. All in all I've come to the conclusion that I really should learn meditation and find a good punching bag to practice martial arts on sometime soon, between the two maybe I can calm my temper and relax for once. For now though I'm out of luck. On the up side, I should ACTUALLY have my profile pic ready soon, just a little more editing now that I managed to make it a lateral shot (if I ever encounter another pic that needs to be blurr editied very much again in the near, or maybe even not so near future it'll be too soon!). As a sidenote, I'll be making another entry when I can to explain the events precceeding this entry (should be long and detailed) call "Overload". Cya again soon (hopefully I'll have calmed down by then--don't worry, I don't think I know where many of you live, except Gene, and I'm far more likely to take out any agression on any inanimate objects that have worn out their usefullness, or some non-org member who is unfortunate enough to cross me right now :) ).
- Time Flies... 2004-02-10 10:22:52 Well it occured to me that I hadn't really updated my journal for awhile (I meant to over winter-break but somehow I never got around to it), so I suppose I ought to bring things back up to speed. I didn't manage to get nearly as much that was productive done over winter-break ( from about Early December to January 27th) as I expected, however I did get into my own interests in the metaphysics a little toward the end of that time. On the up-side, I think I finally managed to fully unwind during that time (which never completely seems to happen). Among other things, I managed to get back in touch with Bryan (Gene Starwind21122), my partner in production of AMV's (he's also the one who got me into AMV's in the first place, never even knew people used anime for such things until then) who had been at basic training/Tech. school for the Air National Guard. I Also had a great time hanging out with Clint and the others at the anime club we belong to called "Project Eva" (don't let the name fool you, its mainly just arbitrary as far as I can tell, the President likes Eva alot but he's just an all around anime fanatic--and I do mean fanatic, we call his basement where he keeps his anime "the shrine"--and its not like any char. from Evagaelion is our mascot/symbol). I also have Gene to thank for that as well, he convinced me to go to my first Con--namely, Otakon X/10--and in the process, coerced me into joining the club, since we had to stay over at the founder's house for lodgeing, even though we don't live that far away from Baltimore. I was mad at him for that at first, but in the end it worked out better than I could've hoped. Up until then I hadn't technically been a newbie, I had been interested in anime since about age 14 when I caught "Iria Zeriam The Animation" on the Sci-Fi channel's Saturday Anime (yes, I was one of the lucky ones who wasn't iniated via Dragon Ball Z, Thank you dear Lord! lol even though it was the second I saw and it even held my interest until a little after the Frieza Saga, when it began to get repetative and weird). But as I joked with those few who did know about my interest, I was the "closet anime-freak" meaning I didn't really pursue it much on my own. I sucked in all the anime I could lay hands on from them and via the TV, but at that time I knew it was a deep sort of sub-culture and since I knew that most of those I knew wouldn't quite get it, I just kept things a secret. But all that changed when I met Gene around age 18 (maybe late 17, can't remember exactly) and later found out he was into anime as well. So by the time I joined the club I was finally able to get accquainted with some of the classics I had heard so much about and fill in most of the gaps. Wow, I guess I just wrote the better part of what should be my profile here, lol, never did get around to explaining just what my anime interest backstory was, I'll have to include this there when I find time to. But I digress... Sorry for lapsing into that but I felt it was necessary. Getting back to the current time frame though (sometime this century), I had a blast just going to the meetings and now that we have a deal going with Bandi Entertainment through their "animeaddict" site we throw giveaways from time to time, and I managed to win the biggest we've had before or since, right before Christmas (now that's a gift!). It was a package of Witch Hunter Robin stuff including the first DVD with the first 5 episodes, which I made quick work of. It worked out perfectly, since I had really enjoyed that series andf had only really seen sporadic episodes from mid-way through the series, most of the later ones and the ending of the series itself, but had totally missed the begining. The best part is, we all had to roll for it (attempting not to roll numbers which had been named already and would eliminate you on a ten-sided die) and I was the 1 of 29 who got it :), I'm lucky no one tried to mug me on my way out lol. And then there was the club's New Years Eve party, which I'd go into detail of, but let's just say you had to be there. On the down-side though, I got almost no more work done on my profile pic! I've only spent about 1 day on it too since then. It'll take some editing in Adobe Photoshop to get it ready, becasue of the scene animation I chose, there are numerous small white lines running in the background, which I have to blend in just right. Well this laptop I'm renting will go dead any minute despite the fact that my time is only a little more than half used up! So that's it for now thanks for reading my journal.
- End Of The Oddity--Back To Normality. 2003-09-12 09:19:51 Well I'm back from my trip and I am feeling a lot more relaxed (and geared-up :)). But I have to admit, this has to be one of the stranger trips I've ever taken. At first we had planned to stay at a beachfront condo owned by my friend's (Mike's) parents (the camelot on 133rd St.). But just before Mike met up with me he called me to tell me that he just found out that the pipes had been leaking in the room we were to stay in (the renter apparently knew about this and only called about a week after their stay). The worst part is that his parents had just had it fixed wp with nice carpeting and other expensive trimmings. Needless to say, none of us were very impressed. So we ended up improvising and staying at the Holiday Inn on 65th St., where the room fee from 2 days was only $80 (definetly the off season price)! The hotel wasn't that bad and we thought that everything would be fine. So we were off, when we arrived I realized that I had neglected to pack sunscreen, sunglassed, or my cell phone. To make matters worse, Mike's cell kept cutting out on him, he never did figure out what was wrong with it. So I bought sunscreen and some cheap (and realtively good) and nice looking pair of shades at a place across the street from the hotel and we had a great time the first night, I introduced Mike to BJ's On The Water, a restraunt on 75th street which was actually awarded the key to the city years ago (how a restraunt manages to pull that off I'll never know). The food was great as usual and Mike said that the crab cakes were the best he ever had. We went back to the hotel, drank a little, and played chess, then turned in for the night. The next day (which happened to be september 11th--no I didn't plan it that way) we awoke to the sound of the fire alarm sounding. Thankfully we were on the first floor and it was just a false alarm anyway, but its odd how it happened on the 9-11, it was like deja vou for me, when the the attack happed back in 2000, I was also in Ocean city, that time with my family, and I awoke to the image on the televison on the Pentagon under a plume of smoke. Also Ironically, we went to have breakfast at the same place I ate at on 9-11, same order too. That aside, we went to the beach and had a great time, only then to find out that Mike had (absent-mindedly) left the remote to the Camary in him pocket when we went swimming (why the hell do they even put ockets in swimsuits?). Well that being said, he's lucky he still had the keys with him, the ocean was rough that day. Since he couldn't open the car without de-activating the alarm he couldn't get the ignition started. So we took the bus too the Gold Coast Mall radio shack where the guy at the frony counter easily (and cheaply!) managed to fix the remote. So we took the bus back and got the car stared, but after we didi the alarm went off for no reason, it eventually stopped so we decided we'd better skip dinner that night (which I was supposed to pay for) and the boardwalk and just drive home. I still owe him for dinner so I guess I'll just pay him $40 or pay for the next time we eat out (whenever that is). When I got home the dinner I like to eat at wasn't open so I ordered out at the chinese place near by (which is the best chinese food I've ever found to date), went back home and enjoyed my rainbow chicken in peace. Then of course, I meant to cram for my Pyschology 100 quiz (don't get the idea it was really a minor grade, their all about 25% of the grade), which is normally no problem, but I fell asleep. Fortunately, I got to college early and had my coffee to stay awake, and the quiz was easy, I haven't gotten the grade back yet, I'm typring this in the game room just after having taken the quiz, but I could narrow what I didn't absolutely know down to just 2 answers (only about 3 questions out of 20), so I'm fairly sure I did good, atleast an B maybe a A. Well, just felt compelled to write this, I'm off to print out something on the elctronic reserves for Philosophy 150 and I'm feeling more motivated to get things done than I have in a long time. I'll probably do a little mid-night work tonight on narrowing down selections for my avatar. Bye everyone, cya later.
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To Hell With It! -- I'm Going To The Beach...
2003-09-10 11:52:42
Well, as I expected, I'm still a little burned out acedemically speaking and haven't quite readjusted to the start of the semester. I just can't seem to get motivated to do much work. It hasn't hurt me much so far since I have a good long term memory and its mostly been assigned reading thus far, and I'm fairly good at getting things done last minute (unfortunately, given my history, that's more of an understatement than I'd like it to be, but I never could write my best if I was forced and it usually takes me awhile to put my thoughts down on paper clearly enough for my taste). All I really want to do is get deep into studying philosophy of metaphysicis and the mind right now. Last year I could ignore that well enough to get things done better than this it seems, atleast at the beginning of the semester. But I always right best when I write straight from my thoughts and feelings, not over-logically constrained techniques and several drafts, and when my thoughts are elsewhere, this is what happens. The worst part of it all, is that I am currently taking 2 great courses I like, so I can't entirely fall back on the excuse that I've just been deprived of studying that kind of material.
In addition to all that, I have alot weighing on my mind in my personal life already, (see last entry). So for whatever reason, my level of stress has rebounded (I'm not complaning but I just thought this wouldn't happen right now, things were starting to look up). So last sunday when one of the members of the group I was with told me he was going down to Ocean City for a day or so (leaving mid-day wenesday--today-- and returning around 9:00pm on thursday) and asked if I wanted to come along, I was tempted but I didn't see how I could, since it seemed like a bad idea with taking college right now. But after yesterday when I (stupidly) lost 15$ after several games of pool, and couldn't snap out of feeling like hell, I eventually gave in. Its a close shave academically speaking, I'll be hit with a in class quiz for Psychology 100 right after I get back, so I'll have to cram like mad, but it'll be liveable, and even if its not, I think a serious breaK MIGHT reset my academic drive (if not about the only other option I'm left with is to finally take the advice of the joke sign that was always on the wall in the recieving dept. at the bookstore... "Anti-Stress Kit":: shows a large circle::, "Bang Head Here").
Well that's about all I can think to say for about now, I guess I ought to post this, log off, and start studying for that annoying PSYC quiz with the time (only about 1 hr.) that I have left. Oh yeah, btw, I'm about half-way finished with the process of selecting the final images for my profile and posting avatars (which has taken about 1.5-2 months now because of time constraints and my exacting personality), both of Zelgadis, from the slayers series, so all of you wondering when if ever I'd get an avatar, you shouldn't have to wait much longer. Cya, and thanks for reading my Journal, I think :).
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What The Hell Am I Doing?
2003-09-01 02:19:28
Hey my first journal entry lol. Never thought I'd write one of these but right now I don't see any reason why not. Don't even know wether or not I'll make this or any other entry public but if you're reading this right now, I guess I ended up doing so, (probably to my own detriment, but right now I'm too annoyed to care).
What the hell am I doing?... That's a question I've been asking myself alot the past few years. It just seems like I keep letting other people distract me from what's really important to me. I suppose if my life has taught me anything up to this point, it's that if you don't put yourself first, all too often, you end up getting screwed. Mabey not by any one person or thing, but overall. I had expected a lot more of myself. I just feel like I'm always the one who ends up getting sidelined, no matter how hard I try. Thinking back, I've always been "The idea guy" or "subordinate", I just joined in on whatever my friends were doing, when all along I should've wised-up and struck out on my own. Not that I'm not grateful to most, if not all of them, but in the end all I've ended up doing is living tied down by obligations. One thing always leads to another and another, and before I know it, another year of my life has gone by, and even if I got to accomplish something, it wasn't what I had planned.
Sometimes I don't see any good reason to get up in the morning, to go on with this frigging charade at all. I act like I'm happy with the way things are going in my life, but inside I'm just falling in on myself. Why does it always feel like I'm being used, volutarily yet? Logically, I can't think of 1 good reason not to just break off almost every connection I have ( the anime club, Outlaw productions, etc.) and start from scratch. But all things considered, I just can't. Somehow, I DO still give a damn. I owe everyone too much because I know they've made sacrifices for me as well, and I wouldn't have gotten this far (even if I would've rather spent more of my time doing other things) without them. I already told Gene I'd try to keep things going once after he left tomorrow for basic tranning at the Air National Guard (should be gone around 6 months), but everything I've done with Gene and Needhelp up to this point has been collaborative, and I don't know how much I can handle on my own, and truthfully, someday (even if it isn't anytime in the near future) I wouldn't mind starting up my own production group (consisting only of myself) in addition to ours (although I have to admit, It has been a long time since I felt truly inspired, like I used to, so I don't know how close I'd actually come to making anything as artisitc as I might hope to). At the same time, I'm going to try and keep up with the anime club both Gene and I belonged to, but with my college schedual, I don't know if I can manage it. Even negating the schedualing issue, there's the fact that some of the group memebers I know really well and I, typically go out to eat afterwards at Outback Steakhouse, and since I'm currently unemplyoed, I don't know if I want to put that kind of strain on my wallet. It's not like I couldn't get a job I suppose, but I promised myself I wasn't going back to that lame-ass job I had for the past 2 summers down at the college bookstore (it wasn't even so much the min. wage for hard work that sucked, it was all of that plus some of the idiot/asshole staff there who made me want to scream) and without that option I haven't really found anywhere else to go yet, and even if I did, I've only worked during the summer up until now, and I'm just not sure I want to risk taking that extra time in the middle of the semester, so basically, I just don't know what the fuck I'm going to do right now. I guess I'll just keep on doing what I've done before, try to balance my own aims with the demands and desires of someone else weighing on my shoulders, and let my interests in philosophy, spirituality, and finding my own niche in the world suffer a little until I find a chance to sieze oppertunity by the horns. Strange. I feel like the person in that new song from the Goo Goo Dolls "stranger than your sympathies" singing the line "The things I've chased won't set me free". Heh, that's the story of my life.
JOURNAL: Skyshroud (John Weller)
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