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I realized I still miss you.
2003-08-06 23:20:28
NOTE: In this entry are things that I have never told anyone about...even Ray only knows portions of the whole truth behind cleel927. I really just made this entry for myself to reflect on. So... DON'T READ THIS!! IT'S LONG AND BORING AND WILL WASTE YOUR TIME!!! ...Except it meant a lot to me. You've been warned.
Hm... when I was riding in my car today...I was falling off to sleep listening to my music...when I had a flash back!
I remember the first time I was riding in your new car... I think I had come for another sleep-over? I think that day I spent a full 24 hours with you...or maybe it was another day. Regardless, you kept playing the same song from the cd player over and over again. But I didn't find it annoying, in fact I found it quite catchy and didn't mind you repeating it everytime it finally finished playing. Ever since that day, the song "If you asked me to" by Celine Dion would always remind me of you. Sitting beside you, I admired you singing the chorus. Your voice was so pretty... I turned to tell you, but you stopped me half way and asked "Why?" I stumbled for wording to your sudden question which had caught me off guard. Instead of waiting for me to give an answer, you continued singing the next line "if you asked me to..."
But you knew it was never meant to be from the start, didn't you? That's why you tried to warn me, to try and stop me...gently, in your own way. From the first time you asked me why, when I said sorry to you. To the last time you asked me why, when I admitted that I liked you. If I hadn't ignored it and thought of it as something good instead of sometihng I refused to accept...perhaps you were right, and I wouldn't of had to get hurt.
There are a lot more flash backs...mainly when I came to sleep over in the early days. I remember being in your basement with you. We were watching Free Willy, and we were alone. When I had to go to the bathroom, I didn't expect you to pause the movie for me. But you did anyway.
We also saw another movie after that...but I forgot the name of it already. But what I do remember is that I lied to you, for the very first time. I felt guilt right from when those words left my mouth.
There was another time when we played with Cotton under the coffee table. We used cushions as walls to keep him in. He was so cute...and I remember you telling me not to shine the flashlight in his eyes, and to be careful with him.
I remember going to the mall with you.
I recall the day I spent a whole 24 hours with you, we went to the park that day. Cotton had gotten away from your grasp on the leash. Haha I tried to be the hero and chased after him...I was supposedly a fast runner anyway. But in the end it was you who caught him back, I failed you. But you smiled and thanked me for my efforts.
How about the games we played on your playstation? Those were good times too... I think we played Puzzle Bubble. The first time I beat you, you looked awed at what I had just done. You commented that no one had beat you for a long time. You were impressed by my skill in Gran Turismo, but I had purposedly played better that day just to show you what I had trained so hard for.
Then there was that time when we went to Jennifer's house for cell group. I was looking for the guide on Starwars Episode 1, the game I had played previously from your playstation earlier that day. When we got back to your house late at night, you went straight to the computer to try to print me that smae guide! Despite your father telling you not to, you argued against him...because of me. Later on in the other room, I heard you being scolded. The next day when I tried to apologize, you'd just ask "Why?"
Once, your family surprised me when it turned out we were walking over to your friend's house because it was his/her birthday and you needed to drop off a gift. When we went down to the basement of your friend's house. They were playing a newly opened N64 and playing Super Smash Bros. on it. I smiled and turned to you saying "I bet I could beat all of them." After watching their amateuric moves. You turned back to me laughing "stop bragging." One of your friend's turned around and seemed more like shout than a normal greet towards you. I still remember...how I had laughed at what she had said.
"HI EMILY!!
Hey who's your friend?!
Is he your brother?!"
"No! My brother's upstairs.."
"Hm...then is he your boyfriend..?"
At that you stared at me for a second, seeming as if you were considering it, but before you could decide on a proper reply. I answered it for you.
"No, of Course Not."
"Oh...then is he your cousin? You have a resemblance."
At that I started laughing.
"Haha, us, haha have a resemblance??"
I looked towards you to see your expression from the last statement. You weren't laughing. In fact, you looked more like you were seriously thinking about something. We left shortly afterwards.
Now that I have more time to think things through more clearly. It dawns on me. Were you perhaps upset from how I answered her question...about me being your bf? Or were you just thinking about something else...
Wow still so many other memories...like the time we went bike riding... you guys rode bikes while I jogged...and I could still keep up with you! Then you let me ride your bike and I fell >.< HARD x.X
How about when we went swimming?! I'd be lying if I said deep inside I didn't actually want to see you in a swimming suit. Haha but the funny thing was in the end, you didn't wear one anyway! you just went in with a long t-shirt, of course you had something under the t-shirt.
When we went to the YMCA, and we started running laps in thier indoor track. We went 800 m and I had used the inner lane...you commented on that.
You wanted to die once. But though the thought of dying is such a horrible thing, I keep it as a happy memory. Because of the way it turned out. After playing on the playstation with me, your dad came home. He asked you if you had practiced the piano. And having played the playstation with me most of the time, you hadn't. He had yelled at you that day...and said some mean things. You came back down to the basement with tears. I...I didn't know what to do. So I comforted you in the only way I knew. In laughter.
You told me you wanted to quit piano and die. I asked, "are you sure?" You gave such a definite Yes, but I wasn't pulled back at all. I said if you're going to die...I guess I'll have to bury you then. I slowly started putting pillows and cushions over you. You still seemed sad at first. I left a small hole where your head was, so you could just see the outside world from your cushion coffin. I started the funeral ceremony and you stopped crying at that. I got to the part where I had to give a speech about you.. I said you were a cheerful and funny person. You started laughing and questioning what I was saying. We both started laughing as I continued the funeral while in a cheerful mood. Giggling after every couple sentences, you gave in as well. When I got to the part saying how I'd deeply miss you because I had become fond of you.. you pretended you didn't hear it. Instead you got up from the cushions and started laughing...thanks Clement...you had told me. Me, the one who usually didn't do the right things at the right time had done something right... You didn't have any thoughts of dying anymore...we were just playing around... We had a pillow/cushion fight right after that. It was a great day, a great memory.
Despite that day. A month later, you quit piano.
Awww and all the times we went to the cell groups! How about the time I tied you up with the skipping rope?? But you tied me up afterwards when you got free. I hope I didn't give you rope burn...I didn't really mean it.
A larger disappointment that I couldn't get over was the Ottawa trip... before the trip, you had promised me that we'd sit together on the coach bus for the whole trip...but then your friend came. When we first boarded the bus. Our eyes met for a breif moment...and there was a silent agreement that it was alright. I had sat down in the back and looked ahead where the top of your head was showing over one of the sits. Your friend had beat me to it to the seat beside you. I was too embarrassed to try and come up to you to ask if I could sit there instead. So I stayed in the back. A little while later, I watched you slowly get up from your seat and look around the bus. You turned around and you leaned your chin against the top of the chair...looking for me. Then you found me, I'll never forget that slightly confused look on your face...almost a pleading look. The rest, I choose to forget.
There are a lot of other memories and times we spent together...but I guess this will be all I'll mention...
It's been 3 years since I first knew you.
1 year since we concluded it would never work out.
Half a year since I decided I was finally over you.
Present day that I realized I still miss you.
I remember when we concluded that it would never work out...that one night at your house.. when I was about to leave and have another normal day not knowing.. You had to change it there and then.. You stopped me from leaving and asked for a minute. I'm not sure if I should of stayed, but I did. I won't recall the words you told me, because they still hurt when I hear them in my mind. However, though it had to end... I told myself another would never begin. I would never get over cleel927, and as long as I bear that name, I still stand true.
But I did break it, I was wrong... another did begin. I'm sorry... I should of known things had to change...to move on.
Thanks for the memories Emily. Despite how things turned out, I still hold your b-day closely to me... September 27. Thus I made cleel927 as my signature, so that I'd always remember the times I once had with a sweet and pretty person, "Emily." -
Living in the Truth
2003-08-02 20:49:39
When I told you the truth, you laughed.
When I lied, you believed me. Without question.
When I tried to apologize, you asked "Why?"
Thanks for being there. I'll never forget you.
I promise.
Friends Forever.
~Clem -
Speaking of the devil!
2003-07-31 14:20:14
Haha though it was an odd friendship, me still miss you Janice!!
Luckily she'll probably never read that anyway..
I went to T&T today to buy back all the food and stuffs since we pretty much cleared out everything before we left. And I was just thinking about the ppl I left behind in Hong Kong including Janice. And then who did I bump into, but Jennifer! When I first met Janice, I saw her as Jennifer's look-a-like. So.. it was like déja vu...weird. So if I keep thinking about ppl, will I keep meeting their look-a-likes or even them?! O.o -
2003-07-29 09:27:39
When I listen to "In This Distant Town," I feel sad.
When I hear "Pure Snow," I think of you.
When I'm reminded of "Heartplace," I wonder.
--
No matter what you said, I thought it was fate.
Even in that crowd of people, our eyes met.
If not for a second, I wouldn't have known.
Afterwards you smiled, asking if I looked at the sky.
I smiled back and asked why.
You told me someday I'd know.
And now I look up and wonder, if you're looking at the same sky.
Because I've finally found it, and I know. - 2003-07-28 21:33:20 Why is it that when one person goes offline, everyone else starts going offline too? Sometimes it really makes me wonder...
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