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Yay!!!
2003-09-25 16:09:00
I finally put up my first amv!!! lol...so happies... :p
ppl go download it and give your opinions!! -
I feel like Samson T.T
2003-09-16 15:43:03
Today I made a realization I had never made before... A connection towards Samson other than our last names. I realized how left out we both were now... how no one would tell us things, how we were always left out of those fun conversations, how ppl talked behind our backs. And yet...despite all these things...how can Samson look happy all the time?? How can he even look normal...?
I always thought of myself as a better person than Samson... but now. I see that I am not too different from him, I'm even worse than him. I can't accept reality...so I guess I'm weaker.
I will continue running, because I am forever in search of support. I will continue running, because I will never find this support.
"I promised them I wouldn't tell you, cause they don't want you to know about it." -Ray
Ok Ray... I don't care then, I just wanted to ask cause I thought you would tell me. YOU of all ppl would tell me things, but no... you want to leave me out too. So fine... I guess I'll just keep running afterall.
*sigh... Happy b-day Ro. -
Yay!!
2003-08-30 21:20:10
I finally resized my music video... I'm so happy. I wish Anna was online!! *sigh...I really wanted her to see it...since she actually APPRECIATES what I do... unlike some ppl... Though she isn't in any of the clips, she still encourages me and says all the nice and good stuff and... =D
Well, it's not an amv, but this was for me to get used to Premiere and stuff, so me almost ready to make an amv! Well anyway, this is version 2 of "Grade 9 - Never what you want it to be" I finally showed one of my friends...but... they don't really care... I dunno...what was I expecting from them anyway...
I used tmpgenc and it went from 651 mb to a lil less than 30 mb!! lol me so happies I can finally sends it on msn in less than 3 days LOL.
Oh yeah...the reason behind why when I'm talking about one particular person, I always say "they, or them" Clem's reasoning revealed!!
I guess it's just cause I don't want to reveal their gender, and when it gets too specific...hm...maybe I just don't like getting specific!! heh
Wow, that wasn't a very exciting explanation now was it...meh.
Despite my happy outer self at the moment, inside I dunno...I think I just got hit by something hard. Suddenly, it seems like I made the music video for nothing... I worked so hard for nothing... I guess because.... no matter what I do, I'm never good enough. Someone will always be better than me.
I dunno why I even bother reading other ppl's entries!! It hurt to be told personally, but then to read their thoughts and reconfirm it, that's like being hit a thousand fold stronger. -_- Well... what do you see anyway?? Am I really such a bad person? Have you always assumed that I hate that person just because I know and I... *trails off*
*5 minutes later*
Well, I guess really I just wanted to point out that I've finally resized my music video... and... I guess I'm just a lil disappointed that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough in your eyes.
Well anyway, Jess and Melanie are finally coming back tomorrow. Um...yay? lol the last neutral person standing....
Well, gotta go disconnect everything and bring my comp home... meh I guess that's all for now. -
The overview.
2003-08-28 10:12:18
I didn't want to leave for Hong Kong. I really didn't. But I had to anyway. However, during this month, many things changed. Over the month, I realized something was wrong with communication between some of my friends, (i.e. my lil sis and best friend). They didn't seem to want to talk to me much anymore. I let it be. Thinking that when I get back things would be the same as when I left.
I was sadly mistaken.
I used to dream of coming back and watering with my friends. But somehow, that broke to pieces when I realized almost everyone watering had or would be disbanded.
The day that I had also day-dreamed, when I finally get to give my friends what I had bought them from Hong Kong, finally came. But something was different. That day would be the last day I would see all of them together at watering. I didn't know at the time.
But something was already different. When I finally handed each their gifts, I felt nothing. No joy, no "good to see you," just...nothing. As if I was giving things to people that I didn't know...
It's hard to believe that I spent about 100 canadian dollars on one of them, and yet... they didn't seem to care too much. I didn't seem to care too much. The happy thoughts that had once gone into buying the items had long left.
Present day:
Most of them don't or can't come watering anymore. My day-dreaming had long been extinguished.
Creating my first music video actually made me sad, not pride and joy like I had envisioned it. It only reminded me of the good times.
Like Ray says, (though he was talking about her):
"Maybe it just wasn't meant to be."
Clem:
"Maybe it wasn't..." -
The case of my lil sister and best friend.
2003-08-28 09:59:09
One was desperate for new friendship.
The other was just there at the wrong place, at the wrong time.
I stood, and watched my nightmare unfold.
...
In the beginning, their acquaintance was with angry words. I tired to stop their misunderstanding. It became a big mistake.
They both stopped fighting, forgot the past, and left me. Even though I only saw her being a lil sister as a joke. Even though I took my best friend for granted. I still missed them.
The slow torture:
He stopped telling me things, stopped entrusting me with his thoughts.
She had nothing to say to me anymore.
They would now rather talk to each other, than me.
The silence hurt.
...
Finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I told her. I blurted it all out. The truth hurt her.
No. MY truth hurt her.
From then on, anything more I said became meaningless.
JOURNAL: cleel927 (DECEASED )
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