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Via Purifico
2003-06-10 16:34:19
Meh no one cares what I'm writing anyway so I can write whatever I want in here I guess... I can go on and on babbling about all that I feel right?? then if that is so I shall begin..
I'm in love.. with someone whose so faraway.. he has so many suspicions about me.. and in the end he decides to still love me regardless of whatever... But in my mind I believe somehow that it is impossible for him to feel anything for this person this thing that embodies me.. this thing that's called the soul within.. I don't think he'll ever get another glimsp of that socalled warmth that I posess.. in his eyes I am more than many things.. just.. more than..
He thinks I have wings.. if so.. I feel that they've already appeared and now faded as hitomis wings did in the movie.. these wings that he says that surely exists.. .. he calls me perfect.. of all the things to call someone like me.. perfect isn't one of them... angel isn't either.. beautiful.. is the biggest lie of them all.. he says he means them.. he means them.. these words...
I know he does.. I've always known.. but I have to deny I have to be in doubt.. I am sure.. if I continue being so hopeless and depressing.. maybe.. I'll be able to push him away.. for his own good..
he shouldn't love me.. he should love someone who is better.. he deserves something more.. I am nothing of the such.. maybe I am in his eyes.. but I am nothing in my own I've become this.. thing.. that's less than garbage.. that's less than so many things.. I am unworthy of his love. I am unworthy of his warmth..
I dreamt of being held by his warmth once.. but the tears was what I felt against my face.. even when his sweet voice told me he loved me in that dream.. I could do nothing but cry..
those tears.. were they of joy? were they of sorrow? I don't know.. I don't know why I was crying.. I don't know Ro either.. but he owns tha necklace same as the one in that dream.. but he's lost the necklace.. even so.. the necklace was a metaphor.. even tho it is lost.. I believe it is a metaphor of what it could.. be.. which must be.. something more....
I believe it is my love for him.. I barely show it.. I'm always burying it deep within as I cry out that the reality of it all is just.. so much... just.. so much.. to handle.. to bear.. to understand...
if only I were one of the empty ones... -
Are you happy now?
2003-06-08 12:56:57
so many words so many thoughts so many wishes.. emotions felt.. but not really.. am I here? am I real? who am i? who are you? what is real? what is fake? is this really reality?
can you look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now?
are you?
are you?
are you...?
I can't help but wonder... -
nope
2003-06-08 00:12:55
I ain't anything special but Ro thinks I am.. and strangely enough I'm always wondering if whether the lil things in this life are caused by his will.. I mean.. hes always wishing for me and praying the best for me.. and these lil things happen like finding money on the ground and I dunno having such nice days that cheer me up when all I felt like doing was giving up. I mean I'm always procrastinating. I'm a very lazy person you see. But I don't know why Ro thinks that I can get through everything. I'm always running around.. sometimes I look like I'm gonna jump off the second floor.. and I'm always hopping and jumping about.. like off tha stairs.. ^-^"
eh well whatever I can jump as high as I want... but I don't break nothing.. I really am suspecting Ro.. -.-.. really I am...-.-"
JOURNAL: chutsupsei (ayu mai)
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