JOURNAL: chutsupsei (ayu mai)

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  • Clem Clam ShinjoII 2003-06-12 00:31:50 u thinkies u likesors me? meh u be dreamin' like Ro

    hee hee no one likesors Mei

    Mei no needs love

    love not needed

    MOOO

    Love is lie hate is wrong moogles rule teh world MOO

    I need coffee... losing sanity.. 1:31am... must.. finish geo..

    NYARR

    I likes to hug teh cactuar and gomi!!! GOMI GOMI GOMI!!

    GARBAGE GARBAGE GARBAGE!!!!

    NYARR IT LOVES YOU!!!!!!!!


    *gets whacked by many things*

    @.# nyaaaahh arr...

    *falls over* 
  • Clem Clam SHinjoH!!! 2003-06-12 00:29:12 Clem not so happies, Clem thinkies him likes me... no worries clam!! *pats him on shoulder* I will be alone and become that thing.. that I wanted to so long ago.. living only for the sake of living and ambition too...

    SOmehow I will get rid of Ro.. Ro likes me for my words.. he does not know me in life so how could he love me? how could he stay devoted to me? If I stopped going online enought his feelings for me would fade..

    SO no worries Clem if I continue not going onliees so often and fade away from existence to many...

    No one would notice u might but meh what is the point of trying to be here.. No one would notice me to begin with anyway and I'm happy that way

    I useto do as much as I could to stand out and be crazy and hyper and scary at times. But though I'm still that person.. it's become somewhat distorted and buried..

    I'm different from what I was last year, it doesn't mean I've grown in anyway.. I'm just different...

    I have only 6 hrs and a half to finish my geo project... whoever is out there reading this wish me luckies~~~!!!! 
  • strangely enough 2003-06-12 00:15:10 Nnjswords last entry was what I just needed...

    yes... I shouldn't whine or complain anymore and yes Ki's words are at times ... they felt like the evangelion end movie.. a bit too overated compared to the rest of the series.. -. -

    So now I must wander off to do my final geo project.. I hope u all wish me luck!!!1 ^-^"

    hee hee I'm not much Ro.. and I guess... me jes asking... I'd like to do it myself this time... y'kno.. without ur praises or hope for me.. I'd like to prove to myself.. I can do everything alone without fear of being lonely Not anymore...

    ONLINE I mean.. I mean.. every project I've done thus far I've always had someone sitting there online with me.. so I was never really alone.. ^^" 
  • 2003-06-10 18:37:04 simple sentence reply to one that does not wish to know.. for one that knows nothing can truly understand nothing... as one once said...

    So these are my words.

    if the dreams do not predict it then do not force it. Do not wish it do not make it a reality. leave it as a thought.

    I am strange this way.. and I like being this way...

    hmm I'd like to try something..


     
  • Tsubasa 2003-06-10 16:43:26 I typed so much.. but the thing wouldn't let me log in.. so.. I guess.. there is only one reason for that fate...

    hmm to think.. much of my searching and wanting to meet Ro was because I wanted to be hugged by him since he owns a necklace.. that is the same as the one I had in a dream long ago..

    but since the necklace is gone.. I believe that it is my love for him.. I've buried it deep inside me.. because... I'm afraid.. what could happen in the future.. I mean.. what if we do become together someday.. and are married too... ... somewhere within.. I believe that he would tire of me so easily.. so that.. then.. we'd divorce and I would be the one left alone... always and forever alone.. he denied such a thing would happen.. but...

    I believe it will

    in my heart I don't believe in true love.. in my heart I know that we are all worthy of love and I am too.. but I don't want it because... because.. I would only up happy.. for a brief while.. and then.. everything will go downhill from there.. because... whenever I'm content with everything around me... suddenly everything falls.. and nothing is so warm and friendly anymore.. everything breaks apart and nothing is ever the same again.. I end up weaker each time.. now I possess barely any self confidence.. I give up so easily.. and I'm lazy too..

    ... I'm even willing to commit suicide at times just because I can't pass an assignment.. because in my mind.. since I'm gonna fail anyway.. I shouldn't try I should accept my failure.. and just move on.. being emptier and emptier...

    I'm hoping that maybe someday I'll lose my sanity too so that I don't have to continue failing everything.. so I don't have to continue watching myself fall.. if I can't do that.. then.. couldn't I go blind.. no.. that would be asking for pity.. I don't want pity.. or self pity.. I'd just like to be ensured a future where I don't have to be this way.. where everything is guaranteed to stay warm.. and not cold and crack all of a sudden...

    I dreamt of my rainbow breaking once... I know I sound strange don't I?? but.. I believe in my dreams.. sometimes they're more than that.. and I use tarot cards too sometimes... meh I'm a strange one aren't I?... but there is no such thing as normal in this reality.. everyone is normalin thier own terms and ways...

     
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