- 2003-07-09 20:35:39 eeep!!! I've been writing as much as Ro lately!! the horror!!!
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duvet cyberia reMIX- Boa
2003-07-09 20:03:50
hmm an old mp3 I d/l a while back...
my parents are.. very very very very very very very very very very very
very very very very very very very very very very very...
overprotective of me...
well not my dad.. or my mother... my grand mother..
living with her all my life and growing up with her as more of my mother than my mother.. really does.. make me wish someone else were her grand daughter more and more.. each and everyday. I can't help it. I'm not the
perfect goody goody she wants me to be. I'm not the baby that needs to be
constantly protected and sheltered like she wants me to be.
I realize now that if I were to go anywhere alone she would dissapprove.
As long as she disapproves my father will too. As long as my father doesn't
agree my mother.. she will follow his word.
I almost wasn't allowed to go to the Quebec trip last year because of her.. I can feel it.. if I were to leave home alone to go anywhere.. for a con or anything.. without them.. without one of them.. it will never be allowed.
I had to yell at her just to get to go to see Charlies Angels Full throttle today. I'm so.. protected.. I always have to fight for myself to get the little
things that a normal teenager gets.. I'm not allowed to be with my friends at times just because... Just because they're always saying that they are
bad influences on me.. do they ever think.. maybe I'm a bad influence on them?... NO they don't... must they never see we are all bad influences on each other...
besides my grandmothers ways.. are outdated.. she doesn't want me to have freedom.. she'd rather I stay home the whole summer never going out she'd rather that I have no friends. She finds it moronic to have anyone close to her.. does she realize that was the thing that really is wrong..
I wish she'd realize its the fact that the only ones she listens to are those
older than her or have more authority.. that caused her to marry my grand
pa and .. also abandon her christianity. yes my grandmother was once
christian.. she had to abandon her religion to marry my grand father And no
it wasn't for love. heh back then marrying for love was a fools dream. She
was to marry because it was a prearranged.. and in order to make her strict
mother happy.. she married.. and never got baptized... oh well.. was the words that she'd always say in chinese... she was.. always yelled at by my
grand father and beaten even.. even after producing 4 living sons and 3 living daughters... my grand mother put up with him.. she still does..
she's always thanking me that it was because of my strange sense of proudness.. that allowed me to stop him from screaming at her.. it was because i fought back for her.. I yelled at him.. even tho I was really little
when I did it.. she still thanks me.. I think I was 9... I was.. tired of it all..
Now.. she still loves me.. but shes afraid I will become like him.. always yelling.... well I know I yell for stupid reasons.. but.. I still love her.
I know.. she's always rearranging everything because she hates a messy house.. and I know she talks to herself because she was raised by her mother that way... to be alone... she wasn't pretty she was plain.. but she is beautiful for instead of leaving my grandfather when she could like all my aunts suggested when they came to Canada.. she stayed with him.. and the fact that she still possesses the wisdom that has allowed her to raise the daughter yes that's right daughter that makes the most money compared to all that came from thier hometown in Peiping, China. I am proud to be Cantonese at times because of her.. but also because of her I am not proud to be unable to speak the country tongue.. I know some people would make fun of others for having the country accent.. but.. I want to know it.. I only understand it.. I can't.. speak it.. i speak normal everyday cantonese...
buuu...
.. I'm really tired of having to fight with her.. I'm sure she's tired of having to fight about me.. I hate the fact that she's always so worried about nothing.. I hate the fact that even tho shes so old.. she does all the chores in the house.. I hate the fact she still hasn't taught me to cook!! I hate the fact that she never lets me lift a finger around here.. she just.. loves me so much.. I hate being so lazy.. but she won't let me do anything.. she's always cleaning my room!! I don't even get to arrange my own room or wash my own clothes!! I'm so.. mad.. she's always doing everything for me. Sometimes I wonder if she knew english.. would she do all my homework for me?..
I don't know what to do sometimes.. she's becoming so forgetful.. And her hair is completely white now.. "You won't know what to do without me" is what she's always saying.. its true tho.. because she hasn't taught me to yet...
my mother sux she's always saying mean things about grand ma! so does my uncle! my dad sux the most always making her worry without truly reassuring her!
>.< but.. no that's a lie.. I'm the most horrible.. always making her worried over nothing... because going out with friends at a young age is a major taboo back in her day... but now.. she just can't stand that.. seeing me wearing tank tops and mini skirts.. she won't let me wear them! she's always so.. I don't know.. making me covered up.. she's most happy when I obey..
maybe I should stop trying to change.. I'm hurting her so much.. and shes
getting older by the days.. I don't want to hurt her anymore.. -
Scar
2003-07-08 15:30:04
I remember once while sitting in french class during the beginning of the second semester... when I first met Ro. Before I knew anything really about him.. just that there were some flamers and trolls in Nekobox.. some directed at him.. and all that... well I was just sitting there after the test I knew for sure I failed.. I was listening to the silence.. other than scribbling of pencils by everyone else.. I could hear individual breathes.. but to focuse on just one would be too hard.. so I just crossed my arms on the table and layed down my head.. I heard a voice then. It sounded like a young girls voice.. she said "save him from himself" I thought I heard "ro and please" at the end.. I was kinda comfused then.. I didn't understand why I would hear such a thing. so I just lay my head to the side covering my right hear so I'd hear nothing.. I was.. I am pretty happy I heard nothing afterwards.. but it really made me wonder...
eh~ it prolly has nothing to do with Ro! It was prolly just my imagination! wheee -
shoulda taken french >.</to be
2003-07-07 17:19:55
lets go crazy for a bit.. let me lose my insanity for a bit and defenses to show what I am thinking on the inside and cause u much pain as u have to scroll all the way to the sides of the screen since I didn't bother clicking enter for this.. heh
Anyway here we go..
I've been trying to exist for Ro but it doesn't work I don't want to exist for him I don't want to be here. He asked me in the last call.. that I don't do anything to hurt myself. That's really hard Ro.. it really is... I can't protect myself I can't fight for myself. I'm always trying to hurt myself. I wish he could see that.. I wish he could know that.. I want myself to not feel to not be here even.
I have this phrase stuck in my head.. that life is but a passing dream.. and death is eternal..
I can't help but contemplate it .. the what if's .. of living on and waiting for him to get here.. and all the fear and anxiety that follow those what if's.. is this angst? I don't know.. anymore.. but.. I keep on coming to the conclusion.. I would rather be in the eternity than.. living out the dream.. death is eternal. It contains no pain no sorrow no emotion. It literally is the elimination of existence itself. I've always wished I never existed..
So I'm hearing in my head.. if I don't exist I would be happier.. I really would be..
those words.. in my head.. saying such things.. such painful phrases.. somewhere within I'm being given promises.. they're all.. painful ones..
If I were to fade and dissappear there would be happiness.. If I were to do it before he arrives he would find another surely he would realize I wish for him to live and not die.. therefor he wouldn't leave this world if I did.
somewhere within I'm hearing all these words.. such painful words.. somewhere within I'm screaming that I should stay that I should live..
But he wouldn't do that.. he loves me too much.. but I don't want him to. I want to fade I want to dissappear he held me no.. he holds me now in his heart.. so tigjhtly.. so very tightly.. .. there is warmth even tho he is so far.. there is the emotion.. that shouldn't be.. that I should never feel.. that I wish to fade.. that i wish to never be felt.. because I fear him more.. the more of the emotion that exists.. the more darkness there is...
They say.. that the brightest of lights is within the deepest of darkness.. that is from Kingdom hearts...
but I don't want the light.. I'd rather drown in the darkness...
I'd rather be always smiling as I'm crying.. I'd rather be pretending that everything is alrite I'd rather never reveal how weak I am.. I'd rather be always trying to prove something.. I'd rather.. always be competitive.. so that it keeps me going..
I don't want to be loved.. I want to be hated.. if not hated.. I just want to be forgotten forgiven and forgotten.. If I could be if I go into eternity..
If we think about it.... life really is just a passing dream. That just is. I'd rather not live mine out to be happy to succumb to my ambitions to make it somewhere..
I'd rather everyone else live out thier dreams.. thier lives.. I'd rather not be with them.. I'd rather not be here! I'd love to just dissappear.. I'm willing to leave Ro if I could just do that.. My greatest wish to just die..
It will always be my greatest wish. I don't want to take risks I don't want to live I don't want to know what lies in the future I don't want to live out the present.. I'd rather just dissappear.
Falling behind getting ahead being average.. having friends not having friends.. being social being a girl and not a boy.. being trusted being untrustworthy being crazy being all these things.. I don't.. want to be anymore
I DON"T WANT TO BE ANYTHING! I stopped wanting to try to be so long ago.. I'm so weak.. I'd rather just fall and get up.. I'd rather sleep and never get up. I'd rather never know what love is! I'd rather never know anything..
I'd rather to have never been born to know sorrow to know death.. to know emotion to be human to be everything I am and wishing to be something I'm not. I hate me I hate me I hate you! I hate you all! I hate myself!!
damn I need a brick to be tossed at me.. I need to be shackin and told that I'm something more than whta I see myself as.. I need such words.. maybe it is what i live on now.. the praise and words of others.. because I am too weak to fight for myself. because I don't want to be.
I still have it going through my head Ro.. those words.. "the day I die will be my happiest" I'm sorry Ro.. but.. I said those back in gr 5 when I got tired of everything. I still am tired but I'm crawling on because everyone wants me to. And.. if I were to die I would have become a waste of everyone's love.. I can't die.. I can't.. not now.. not till I know for sure..
what is it that I want. I guess I'm wierd that way.. my heart screams something at me because its scared.. no.. because.. inside I'm scared.. scared of what the future holds.. of what people can do to me.. of how painful thier cruel words can be. Everyone says that theres really not anything to really hate about me because if you get to know me I'm not such a bad person. But I percieve myself to be something not so great.. so I lived on other's words for a while.. Now I stopped that.. because.. they're just mirrors.. each one reflecting something different.. when it is really me that knows myself best. So that's why I don't take thier words to heart. They're not me. I hate compliments because they're not my own. Till I am truly happy with something I draw everything about it to the final detail. Till then I will never stop drawing. Till I finally find that I sing well I will never stop singing. Till I find a reason for why I shouldn't write I will continue writing. Till I can finally feel safe without fear of what the future holds.. only then will I let myself love Ro without fear. Without fear of myself.. and.. what is and what could be -
Uso mitaina I love you/reflections of my past
2003-07-07 15:53:26
I can't help but really think about my true intentions.. what are they really?
I can't help but really hear my heart today. For some reason it's on rainy
days that I really wake up. I've awakened. It's been a while since I let this
side of me awaken.. this side.. this version.. the artist is back.
I actually feel like drawing again. My heart is screaming for me to write to
draw to sing. To follow the muses that I once believed to be the true
weavers of my life. I hear them now.. screaming at me to do something just
anything that has to do with the arts. I useto say I love drawing I love
singing I love writing. But then it always felt like a false I love you to the
arts. That's what the title means a false I love you. Yes I falsely said I
loved drawing I loved singing and I loved writing for all these years...
I hate drawing because I'm good at it. I hate singing because I might have
a chance of really getting a career as a singer someday at it.. If I go thru
the rite training and all that.. I really can.. and I hate writing. I hate it I
hate it so much because I never know what I want to write till its too late.
Whenever I write a story for an assignment.. when I'm done the assignment and hand it in, I feel that since I had all these ideas in the
beginning.. why didn't I jes mesh them all together instead of handing in
what I did.
When I'm working on my comic.. every year it's like I do a different story of them that ends up becoming mini plots and twists into the story. Every bit in the story is reflection of me from when I was in gr 5 till now. I made a
realization that it is because I am always drawing in class that I did so
horrible in elementary. Sure I passed but my marks were all average marks. To tell you the truth I never tried in elementary. After gr 5 when I
discovered I had the potential to learn to draw anime characters someday
like a professional manga ka... I stopped caring all of a sudden about all
my other subjects. In gr 8 I fought back against my french teacher.. no one
understood why I was suddenly so cold to her. Madame Vecchio was and
still is my favourite french teacher for showing me that I should stop
simply focusing on just drawing.. because everything else.. all my other
subjects still matter. Drawing, though I can do it well.. is not something
that I should look to being the thing that holds my future career...
Madame Degiorgeo, I don't even think I spell it correctly now. She was my
french teacher that taught me from gr 5 through 7.. She proved to me that
the language I detested was something more. I learned to like french I learned to love the language. I learned to love french pastries too :D... hee
hee.. You see I've always been failing french.. just barely passing.
It was her that showed me that french could be fun.. it was because of her
that I learned if I changed my mindset to allowing myself to have fun and
trying to let go of being so protective of myself.. I could do well in all my
subjects and not be alone...
I was and still am always very defensive of myself. I didn't have a lot of
friends because.. I didn't want them to hurt me. I didn't want to gain any
enemies either. And furthermore I didn't want to be hurt by what they
percieved of me. It was because I always cared about other's perceptions
that nearly distroyed me and I almost comitted suicide in gr 7. Now I value
my own perception of the world and see that other's that hurt me that year..
were really.. just using me. The entire year they used me. I'm happy to say
being gullible from letting too much guard down and having too much
trust in others was my problem.
Now I just act stupid, gullible, and energetic. I also act dumb. It is my new
defense.. I still don't want people to get close to me. I still don't want people to know me in my school. Besides I like acting it gives me a chance
to see how others are truly blinded by what they see. I still don't show too
much of myself to my close friends. Only Melanie and Jessica know how I
am. Maybe those that are reading this that know me personally are slowly
realizing that the hyper me from elementary dissappeared for a reason now
I am just energeticn but not really..
Ever feel like there's something about me but you can't put your finger on it?
^-^ maybe you never will it depends on how much I let out..
I like being sheltered and safe. I like the emotion of being content, but I
hate it as well. heh maybe no one will ever figure me out ^-^
JOURNAL: chutsupsei (ayu mai)
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