-
>.<
2003-07-24 14:29:25
DOn'T PHoNE mE RO!! ... I will phones u k? me gots MORE phone cards! buahhaha!!!
Ro you stupiff head like I said before! If ur gonna phone me.. get phoning cards.. its too costly for you to phone me!! >.< crazy crazy stupiff headed Ro!!
muu everyone so stupiffs these days. Clem stupiffs for being depressedly depressed when he will be back soon! Melanie stupiff for never knowing what to say. Jess stupiff for not mooing with me! MOO! June stupiff for being cheep! muu everyone else is stupiff for being stupif heads. there I stupiff to for being lazy bumm and frog pencil case is stupiff because it cannot moo! MOO! -
o.O
2003-07-23 12:26:17
clem not so happies.. so clem reads email me sents! u be happiers okies?
moo okie on to other news..
okie I bored and... I have a basket of crackers.. I wants to eat them all.. but then I'll get zits and sore throat... and crumbs everywhere.. oh well..
and Nnjsword! did adarkplaceismy send u my pic?! ... I'm not pretty!! muu I jes like ur nex chink gurl! moo! not really.. I'd make a good geisha.. fuu fuu.. eh well I goes to eats crackers now! -
my favourite song of all time.. DAYBREAK~AYUMI HAMASAKI
2003-07-22 18:21:57
I need to post the lyrics and explain them as how they have affected me.. I don't know why but I'm doing it anyway and not washing my hair or eating as I do.
"Having lost my face
because of these times,
I've lived all these years
clinging to my own existence."
This is the first paragraph in the song. Why it affected me so much is because face is to mean honour/pride and.. of course.. reputation. I lost just that. I was no longer a part of the clique, you could call it, that I was in. So then I lived wondering why do I bother going to school when I don't even care about my education.. I'd rather have friends. But people that stayed with me, my true friends showed me I shouldn't be so broken from being kicked out from the crowd.. So for 2 years I learned to live through those moments where people tend to crowd around each other chatting.. alone.. and doodling and wanting to create my own story/comic so I just had to live.. though the loneliness nearly killed me..
"Now, let's stand up together.
Fight to win yourself."
Along with the ones I learned were my true friends that fought with me constantly to prove mindless points.. those were the days where I realized you didn't argue because you were mad that another person's view was different from your own. It is because you care that you fight. So I fought and argued trying to show them they were prejudiced, tho in the end I never won I learned that I wasn't fighting to get back in I was fighting not even for them even.. I was trying to prove to myself it was ok to not belong to a large crowd because my opinion and unprejudiced outlook was better than all of thiers.
"No matter how far apart we are,
we're still under the same sky.
Don't forget that we're both
travelling to the place
we once dreamed of."
Hee hee this part always bothered me because I knew I had two meanings for it. The group and I you could call it as one. See I was really pissed off at them at the time so to me in the end we'll all just die anyway so I don't have to look for revenge. Though I dream of it.. >=D.. ok fine I stopped dreaming of it.. but still!!-.-"
The second meaning are that they are comforting words to me.. about Ro obviously I guess. We're both gonna get excellent grades, RIGHT RO? so that we can be together some day!! ( SORRY ABOUT BEING KINDA DEPRESSED IN PREVIOUS ENTRIES!)
"Light and shadow are
really the same thing.
If you close your eyes,
you can see them on your own."
This part meant to me that everyone really is just the same on the inside. So I really have nothing to be jealous of, since hee hee now I still don't belong to any clique.. I'm like a wanderer.. wander here wander there.. with my puppy salami.. err I mean Melanie.. XD I call her Salami... it's a long story! haha! and when she gets a bf I'm calling him Gorm! I'm of course Tiramisu!.. ok fine long story short. There was this kissdoll I d/l called Salami.. and I decided since Melanie kinda sounds like it I'll call her it!
"Both the sadness in happiness,
and the hope at the end of pain"
Ok fine this is the part where the translation of the japanese doesn't make sense right? hee hee that's where ur wrong! It still means something to me. That I shall be one of those rare people that can smile no matter how sad I am. Also.. I am an optimistic person! So no matter how sad I am I will be happy again, and the pain of.. for instance.. getting my toe stuck between the door ... yeah.. it'll go away!
"No matter how far apart we are,
we're always together.
Remember that even when you feel
crushed by the weight of the world,
there's someone out there who loves you."
^-^ It's nice to know.. even though I useto think immaturely and idiotically that no one will ever love me.. cuz I got nothing that's worth loving.. well.. I was wrong! so.. no matter how depressed I am.. Ro is still out there somewhere! hee hee of course.. he's all the way.. in California!! Ro!! I DON'T LIVE IN TORONTO!! ... *sighs.. if you wanna be specific for province.. its our word for uh.. states I guess.. ^^" are they called states? ... errm.. I really.. should maybe... pay more attention in geo.. hee hee but its Canadian geo!! It's not my fault I don't know much about U.S. of A!! anyway I lives in Ontario! ^-^ home of teh.. er.. umm.. I dunno I just live here! buahaha..oh I know! skydome, parliament, chinatown, my most beloved Pacific Mall~! and Markham Village.. oh and CN tower! oh and CNE and SARS and West Nile currently!! XD!!
"Things aren't random;
Maybe everything is
inevitable."
This part I love denying! But it's true.. if I am meant to be with Ro, no matter how many twists and turns there are in my life.. I will end up with him anyway. :3
"No matter how far apare we are,
we're still under the same sky.
Don't forget that we're both
travelling to the place
we once dreamed of. "
This part the travelling means I have to work towards actually ending up with Ro! If I don't work toward such a goal.. attaining high marks.. making his mother not Hate me like hell.. erm.. must.. do excellent.. or perfection is good too.. hmm perfection is possible in marks.. just hard.. but possible!! ^-^
anyway to conclude..
me wuv Ro-pann VELLY VELLY MUCH!
I will become ^^V NUMBAH WONE!... aie now I sound so.. chink.. ^-^V YEAH~~~~~!!!! ... correction Nyo I sounds chink~! -
endless love endless road
2003-07-22 17:41:40
I feel really lonely lately. I don't know why. sure Ro phones when I ask June to call him .. but still me lonely. I don't want to ask for someone to give me comfort. I hate pity. I hate giving pity even more, because people have to learn to become stronger without it.
Sometimes I wonder do I listen to other's words enough? Or should I even exist here.
It's best for me to not exist.
It's best for me to be alone.
It's best for me to get Ro to become stronger and more knowledgable.. about.. how far he really is from me. Also.. how stupid he's being for liking me. I am better off if I never existed, actually he would be. He would meet someone that really can influence him to change to not be so stubborn..
So that he understands that he should stop lying to himself..
oh screw this.. I'm just like everyone else. I'm no one special what am I trying to do.. change him? omg what am I? haha.. it's his life if he decides he doesn't want to defend himself when others accuse him or make fun of him.. or even toss a bottle at his head.. it's his choice.. let it be as my mother says..
I'm so stupid.. always thinking so highly of myself. hah.. I can't do anything. I can't do anything for others I can't change him. I can't do anything. I'm the real weakling here trying to prove to myself that I'm not. I'm so stupid for always trying. I'll stop letting myself live in these lies. Ro will never get to me, and he doesn't love me.. I'm not the one for him! He'll be with someone else. In the future he will forget of me and be happily married to some girl that he meets in a rave in a pink dress with long black hair and she'll be fillipian like him, rich smart , and beautiful. he'll be his dream girl with her red hair and light yellow brown eyes. He'll love her for her body and her soul, and he won't be restricted from her by distance so he can be with her all he wants even make love to her and marry her have kids! He'll be so happy~!
oh so now you wonder how I'll be? the future is very uncertain for me. I like it that way. I could die early, my mothers side has very bad health and considering the fact that my dad has been a drinker and a smoker since a young age I'm hoping I do too, die that is. I don't need to do drugs that would be too nice to myself actually enjoying the poison before it ends up killing me! Don't worry i'll make myself suffer why should I be so nice as to let myself die a quick painless death? But I promise this one thing I'll die smiling.
Why am I even typing these things in my journal? heh what do you readers care? haha.. no one knows me here ^-^ -
>.<!! Rainy- Janne d'arc
2003-07-22 17:16:48
hee hee Nnjsword!! You did it AGAIN! aieee!! *runs off laughing*
hee hee
hmm now on a serious kinda thingy.. err.. umm.. must makes ro see why ppl care! MOO! :3 Ro must fights for Ro's self because Ro is a guy! Guys fite for em selves if someone has pointed at em and have accused them of something that's not true! Ro if you accepted everything and didn't fight back.. then it wouldn't be right! Couples fight all the time! isn't it normal to? Oh wait.. I'm WRONG we aren't a couple are we? moo how can Ro like a cat? =o.O= miao! Ro know why I question you all the time on silly things too? It proves to me you exist. Finding the normality in people that aren't so normal to other's eyes.. is something that I do. I don't know why I do it. I meet people that have low self esteems and are unsure of themselves.. and I want to do all that I can to gain confidence for em again. In the process I tend to lose all my own and become depressing. But Ro.. I thought.. you were stronger than that. I didn't know how weak you are. Now I guess you've given me many goals... But now to gain ur confidence back is the one I need to I want Ro to be confident optmistic and smarter! I wants Ro to have confidence to talk to others I want him to understand that thinking so much in between everything he says.. Sometimes whatever's on your mind, just say it! Ro in highschool.. but he not very talkative to others called classmates.. that's why I think he should realize everything he says to them now won't matter so do as much talking as possible! ... C'mon.. it's not like those people will actually remember you. Hah.. when ur 54 you might go back to the class reunions but it will be really funny when you realize that.. you were too quiet back then and have no one to reminince with. I want the person I'll end up marrying to be someone I really can lean my shoulder on.. instead of them leaning thiers on mine.. -.-" heavy.. depressing.. pessimestic head.. aieee runawaay!!
I wants ro to be more optimistic because.. its bad to always be so saaaad! Ro be happier! sure I'm faraawaaaaay! but.. I'm still here right? ^-^ C'mon be happy ro-pann! Ro must smiles more!! or the slimes will get him.. BUAHAHHAA.. ... someday i'll find a site with a piccie of teh slime. I likes em so much.. SLIMES! ... they smile.. hee hee..
I wants ro to be smarter and realize that if he never shows his opinion no one will know him. I wants Ro to understand that if he really wants to stop being such a lone wolf so much... he must understand that, he has to fight for himself. Showing one's opinion is one way of doing it. Another way is to try, without fear. Ro are you afraid of getting hurt? ... there's nothing to fear! the world is full of idiots! If you offend some doesn't mean that the rest of it hates you!... please exclude certain ppl from this. ^-^
Ro.. if you have not the confidence to prove yourself for anything or even defend yourself. How will you get my parents to even allow you to marry me?
I wants Ro to fights back! I will spend all my pennies on wishing for his confidence to be stronger and that he is a happier person! >.<
JOURNAL: chutsupsei (ayu mai)
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