- That Nightmare I had 2006-06-07 10:45:34 Last night I had a wired dream (this happnes when i got to sleep late). I was walking with my mom and my sister. While we were walking I looked up at the sky and there was this huge rip in it, the inside was like black and blood red. I freaked out and tried to find the source of where it was coming from, till i found out it was a really big scary-looking tree. The leaves were black and blood red and the trunk was white. Then it had these really big roots coming out the ground and they closly resembled stretched out people. It was just really wired and i hope it doesn't mean I'll die soon.
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Nows Not a Good Time but it needs to be said
2006-06-07 10:35:30
It sucks I'm at school, what I want to say. It will cause alot of problems for me...
"K" was sicky yesterday, it sucks beacuse I really wanted to play F.E.A.R (yeah sure not really, just an excuse to go to his house...). But I've been thinking what would happen after i beat the game, i wouldn't have any other reason to go to his house anymore. And I'm still not sure how he feels so it's not like i can go over there for no reason and bother him. But then I had another idea, since Cees stopped going to play F.E.A.R (because he's such a pussy to face the little girl), "K" has been trying to get him to come back down and play(which has yet to be sucessful). If I were to stop going down to play maybe he would come after me to get me to play the game? Well I'm not sure how that would help but.... I just really need to get away from the other one....("Ex"). I just need pointless games to keep me from digging myslef back into that hole he shot me in.
Speaking of which he got in big trouble, but I wasn't his fault (cannot say what happened though he's like right behind me...). After I tried to make an effort to find out what was really going on I had to make a very big decision. He's not part of my life anymore so why should I continure to care and worry? The only way I can keep this promise to myself is that i have to tell him, otherwise I'd be lying to myself...
Well I have to go now because I think some of my classmates are trying to read this and if they find out about what i have been typing about, I will not hear the end of it. -
Oh no ~ Trust and Fear (I'm not gonna release names just abbrviations)
2006-06-01 17:45:28
Now that I am free I can finally make my move on "K". He has this game called F.E.A.R which is mad sexy. I don't really understand the story myself, but it's a first-person shooter, and kinda like a survial-horror. After seeing my friend play it in K's house I wanted to give it a shot too. Although the only reason I want to play it is because I get to be with K in his room. I don't find it strange to be in his home though, we've been friends for years and I've been to his house to play HALO 2 also. His parents don't mind me either, they like me and know my mom.
Everytime I go there, I have the urge to just make the first move on him, but then it ruins the chase and flirting. So I'm gonna hold myself back. He constantly argues with me for no reason, and about things that he knows will make me mad! I think he's taking after that Ne-Yo song "When Your Mad".
Things with my ex are fine. We're still not firnds but this week I've been so uncomfterble because I catch him staring at me. I mean before (when we were on the friend page) he would just glance and look away. Recently... I get these painfuly long stares, and his eyes becon so much sadness and slight angst. I don't like it, I feel so scared when he does. In resess he's around where I hang about (which is near all my girlfriends).
It's me.
Is it me?
He wants my attention.
He wants revenge?
At dismisal I was waiting at the door and he walked towards me. We mad eye contact, he looked down, looked back at me, his mouth parted open to say something, and I turned around. I couldn't bare for him to speak a word to me. Not even if it was sorry. I keep getting this thought "He's not worth your time, look at what he put you through" I look at it and it makes me think that...
"You can't have me back, you won't find someone eles and forget about me."
I wish i said that today.
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Relif ~ Freedom on it's own
2006-05-30 16:00:12
Oh, it over. Finally over! I thought maybe friendship will keep me sane, but all it did was drive me crazy. He constantly gave me atitude, even though "we" were done and over with. It was annoying how he would get pissed at me over things only lovers should be bothered by. Talk about other boys, where I was going, what I was doing. It bothered him that he wasn't the center of my attention. He couldan't keep his anger to himself though.
He was talking to my friend and talked some smack about me. He said he wants me to fall for him again so he can hurt me. I don't understand why he's so upset with me. This "plan" he had bothered me and I was not about to get played by some loser. I called him and told him:
"I'm hear things I don't like..."
"Like what?"
"I heard this rumor that you want me to fall for you so you can hurt me, or something like that."
"Ch..."
"Well is it true or not?"
"Figure it out for yourself!"
"Why?? You can tell me yourself??"
"Its nothing"
"So its not true?"
"I don't know"
"Jeez... you kno if you keep actting like this with me i can't be friends with you anymore."
"Whatever..."
"OK bye." Click.
Relif. -
Its Just Whats Going on Now ~ Lost love
2006-05-24 19:58:07
So here I am writing out my feeling on the net to be seen by strangers because the one's who know me will not listen. I don't know where I stand anymore. In between reality, depression and lost love. I don't want to be on nither one. So i will stay in the middle. But i can only last for so long. Till i have to come back and face what I fear the most.
I currently broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months. I don't find it that long, even though this has been my longest relationship. Things were fine and we were in love. But I was too forgiving and too careless. Once he'd confessed he'd kissed another girl. I forgave him. He let his friends bully me at school. I gave him another chance. I became possesive of him for a few days. He breaks up with me. Soon after breaking up with me he goes and tries to got out with the girl he kissed before. She rejected him and I became her best friend. We're now trying to be friends, but its like taking candy from a stanger. I so afriad of messing up and making myself look desprate.
The truth is I want to hate him...
but I can't.
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