JOURNAL: Razorborn

  • Dangerous Silence 2003-06-19 01:15:50 I don't know what it is... but I haven't felt very good since I've been home. I couldn't handle living with my cousin, I wanted to shoot his wife. But I've felt more depressed here. Even though it's only been a few days. Maybe it's just the atmosphere... I should change my room around, then maybe it will feel different.
    Today was just a bad day. Crystal sent me a nasty email... she hasn't broken up with Cody yet. I was stupid to think she actually would. She's all talk. If we get back together, I think the hardest thing I will ever have to do will be trusting her again.
    And then I found out today that there are two girls at school that like me. One is Tani, a large hispanic girl that shows how much she likes me by scuzzing me off every few seconds. Dumb bitch. The other is Kristy, a really skinny 17 year old girl. She's cool and really cute, and admittedly I have a crush on her too. It won't go anywhere though, so they both frustrate me pretty equally in their own way.
    So I came home feeling like shit. I just plain didn't want to go see Kristin, I haven't since yesterday. She didn't call me either... she knows when to leave me alone.
    Sometimes my silence makes me look like an asshole. But I hate it when people pester me, wanting to know about shit that I don't want to tell them. You would think that they would get the picture after I obviously ignore their question once or twice, but some people don't get it. They don't know when to shut up. Maybe I'm too quiet... maybe it's none of your god damned business! 
  • 2003-05-14 04:33:54 I wish I couuld just give up. I don't want to fight for her anymore... I don't want to chase her, knowing all the while that I may never make it, I may never be with her. But even the smallest possibility is worth fighting for. I want her so bad. I want to show ever how much I love her, I want to do it always in every way. But I can't. Because it won't matter. She'll just brush me off again and again, she will throw me away just to be unhappy. And thats why I can never be completely happy... really cool shit happened today; my car was fixed for 50$ when I expected up to 400$, my tests results came back and I'm clean of all fatal diseases... but now I just feel the same. I always come back to this... feeling alone. Feeling like I'm missing a part of me that I can't get back. Because I am... she was a part of me that I took and I absorbed and embedded in myself deeply because I never thought I would be without her... and now I am. And its a massive gaping hole that I can never forget about because it hurts constantly.
    God... I love her so much. But it doesn't matter. And it will never stop hurting. 
  • 2003-04-30 03:49:09 I hate her. I really have to come to terms with the fact that I do. I keep tellling myself over and over agian that I love her, but it's there. I won't deny it anymore. I hate her. But I still love her. I know I do... I could go on for hours about how much I hate her, but theres nothing more I can say about how I love her. I've run out of ways to describe my love for her... I've been over it all again and again. Nobody who has heard me talk about her doubts that I love her... and nobody whos heard our story blames me at all for the kinds of things that happened.
    But the reality is, if she needs me, I'm there. I don't understand how she cannot see it... I'm there for her. He won't be. Nobody will be there for her. Even her family has turned their back, and believe that whatever she gets she deserves. I'm the only one who wants her happiness and is willing to work to see that happen. I want to hold her in my arms so bad... but it won't happen. I won't let it... because if I become possessed by anger, I may hurt her.
    Me, the eternally placid and loving young man who's greatest facet is the that despite his martial arts ability and capable strength, he would hurt no one and nothing. Thats how much her actions anger me... to the point of violence.
    I don't deserve this... to love someone so utterly and loyalty and receive nothing, absolutely nothing in return. She can't even give me the smallest bit of hope that I can have faith in. And for that... I hate her. 
  • Fuck Her 2003-04-25 04:55:06 I'm so sick. So fucking broken. All I want is her. It doesn't matter if I'm successful and have money and a good job and everything... I don't care about any of it if I don't have someone to live for. And I want to live for her. But she refuses... she threw our life away. And for what? Just to be unhappy? With her fucking loser ass boyfriend? He makes her feel like shit. Shes so sad. And its stupid... she even told me straight to my face (and I hate her for doing so) "I know that I could be with you and actually feel important." She also says she can "relax, feel comfortable" around me. Uh, if you can't be comfy with your own b/f, there is something seriously wrong.
    But the only reason any of this bothers me is because I actually believe her. Even though I know shes a fucking liar, and will say absolutely anything to justify her actions. Shes never hesitated to lie to me before... no reason to do so now. It's so fucking stupid... why do I have to feel this way? Why do I love her? Why the fuck can't I just let go!?! I don't deserve to go through the kind of shit she puts me through... she always told me I deserved better. And shes fucking right! But I HATE that excuse! It's the same as saying "Well, I know you deserve better, but I don't care enough to try and be that person." I changed everything about me to become better for her, and in the end, she was still selfish and still unwilling to care about anything that I needed.
    But now... shes on the flipside. Shes with a guy that doesn't think shes good enough, and shes trying to change for him. WHY!? What the fuck does he have that I didn't? What posesses her to get hurt all the time but still stick around? Is there some truly wonderful side about him that I can't see? That NOBODY can see? Or is she just blind? It makes me so fucking mad!!! I fucking hate her!!! I hate everything!!! I fucking hate that I have to go through this!!! I'm not an asshole, I try so hard to be nice to everyone why do I deserve this!!! I want to give her everything!!! What the fuck does she want!!! How the fuck does HE, of all people, have it?!?! I fucking hate this... I need someone so bad, and she said she would always be there for me and shes not, she never will be... god dammit I hate feeling this way... I should have died forever ago. Why do I deserve to hurt like this... 
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