JOURNAL: imunown

  • argg-ness 2006-04-07 16:27:30 arg arg arg, blast-a-holic.

    i cant stand it when i hear my ex talking.

    i mean, it's not that i dont LIKE them. that's the problem. i do like them. a freakin' lot.

    >.>

    smegma.

    i can stand hearing their voice because it reminds me of happy-times ^_^;;

    i want to drown the sound out.

    thank god i can go home in fourty minutes. 
  • tastes a whole lot like yesterday 2006-03-03 08:32:01 yesh yesh, again again.

    so it's prolly been what, a year? im not very good at journaling things it seems.

    and i only really want to journal when im really depressed about certain stuffs.

    so like, blah. i think i hate myself, like, a whole bunch.

    i cant get this person out of my heart or something. it's like, totally wrong and i dont think i could ever love them. i know that they arnt perfect-- but that doesnt seem to matter to me much. i just want to run over and hug them, make all the problems go away.

    and the worst part is, im seeing someone else.

    it's not that i TRY to think about them. or anything like that.

    i-- i-- i dont know what to think anymore.
    i dont want to date any more, i dont want to flirt any more, i dont even want to be me any more. i just want to be done with it all.

    its. well, i was doing soooo good. i haddn't given a thought to this person or anything and i was like "yeay! im past them now! i can move on with my life" but then--- well, but then i read something written....and now i cant help but think about things again.


    i want to fly down there and shout "hello! you're the reason things are sucky for you! you dont HAVE to let them be this way. YOU can fix it. i would spend my lifetime just to help make you feel better!"

    but i cant.

    and i wont.

    *sigh* it's just sorta rather depressing. i imagine this is what drunkards feel like after they think they've got it beat but then wake up one morning with a massive hangover and an empty bottle of Jack Daniels....

    "why oh why oh why"

    -------

    ' And I don't have any of my old friends. Not really. They all left me. That's why I miss them. Mostly just her. '

    -------

    do you know why she left? well, i could tell you. i'd tell you and i've tried to tell you. it's because you're selfish. you say you know you're selfish but you dont change anything.
    remeber the last time i saw you? you said two words to me. you just totally ignored me.

    i dont blame you at all. i never could blame you for anything. in my mind you--despite your failings, were worth the sacrifice. but i can see why she would blame you. and i could see why she does blame you. and rightly so.
    you dont pay attention to people. you are selfish. you ignore people who deserve your attention because they dont amuse you at that particular time. you crave being the center of attention--even though you claim you dont. its always about you, even when you say it's not. it's wrong, it's immature, it's childish and it's pathetic!







    .....but i love you anyway. 
  • pocket persistence 2005-05-16 22:34:12 so today, i guess is as good a day as any to start this thing up.

    why do people you love love other people?

    i guess it's life mostly, i mean i know god is out there watching everything and it all happens for a reason in the grand cosmic scheme of things.... but you have to ask yourselves, what about those people who didnt make it? like, the ones who didnt survive.... maybe they knew they wern't going to make it, maybe it's ok with them....

    well, what if it's NOT ok with me?
    i'm mostly an easy-going person, right? i mean, i love most people for who they are and even the ones i dont like i dont 'hate'
    but when i 'love' someone.... it doesnt work out.

    i mean, yes, i've done the brave thing and told them how i've felt (although i havent left a note in their shoe locker yet ^_~) but it doesnt matter.

    like, i spend my efforts and time trying to gain attention and im constantly brushed off it seems... it's like, im just "that person"....

    persistence is good and all..... but at what point do you say "cant take it no more" and totally give up?

    and im not making any sense.... but my real dairy is getting kinda neglected so i figured i would put down what i thought when i felt like it and with both this and my IRL diary i should get a pretty good picture for my later years...

    if you're reading this, you're a bigger dork than i am -^_~-  
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