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Ugh... Let's talk shitiness...
2008-06-11 01:09:39
I know this is horrible to complain about but....
Babysitting 6 kids really sucks. My mom and grandparents and aunt (one without misscarriage)/uncle went over to console my aunt today. For the most part, they were fine, but towards the end, one of my cousins hit the other one in the head and started bleeding. Bah! That was a misery bandaging that wailing kid up. What's worse, when my mom got home she tore into me about it. >_<
Word is now that my aunt's father was the one that caused the misscarrige. He got drunk a few days back and just started beating her to death. She started bleeding and lost the baby then (or so the doctors say).
That's one sterotype that I wish wasn't true about Arkansas. We do have the occasional drunken redneck that's a wife (or daughter in this case) beater.
Anyway, it just strenghtens my resolve not to drink upon coming of age. >_<
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Getting over all of that seems to be going well for my aunt though. She seems to accept that it wasn't her fault for it, and she seems to be getting over it too.
So, I'm moving on now.
I think things in my life are starting to get a little bit clearer now. I'm thinking that maybe I'm finding my true calling in life. I'm not getting too excited though. I'm still not sure about everything though. It might work out, it might not. I'll give it another week or so to see if it's really what I want.
I've taken one step though... I've applied for another job. I got my first job through my mother, and she's going to shit a brick if/when I get it and quit my old one. It's just a method I hope will work to get me more independent and happy.
Oh, and I also went out and bought Guitar Hero III for my Wii. Yay. ^_^ -
Must... Resist... Emo... Urges!
2008-06-10 00:18:20
Bleck. Today was awful. We got a phone call from home telling us that my aunt has miscarried her baby. Yesterday she spend a small fortune buying this baby clothing and a crib.
So now we're on our way back home to Arkansas. We cut our trip short by at least several weeks. To be honest, I'm glad we're going home, but I'm saddened by the reason why. It sucks driving so late at night. At least the shoney's we're eating at has wireless internet. :)
I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Namely, why God let this happen. For some reason, the whole "God works in mysterious ways" didn't work this time. It's easy when it's random people in the media, but when it's close to home it doesn't have the same ring. I can't just go up to my aunt and think that it was for the best. She lost something dear to her. This was going to be her second child, and they have been wanting another one for years now (she has difficulty getting pregneant). So it just hurts a lot right now thinking about everything.
I'm still really upset about my future too. I hate not knowing what I want out of life. I hate not having a dream. There's just nothing in my life warrentting such a committment.
I dunno. I just wish everything would go away for a while and let me figure everything out.
Maybe... -
Wait... WHAT?!
2008-06-09 02:05:40
Right now I'm in what I call my editing slump. I don't feel like doing diddly. And because of that, I've called off a bunch of MEP tracks I was working on and closed down Clow's Collection II. The only one I'm actually working on is WAFV, and that's just because I think I can portray a good message in that one.
But enough about that, let's get on to a few things that bugged me over the past few weeks.
Persona 3 FES Ending: As fan endings go, this was like a kick in the balls to me. In fact, it made me look over the ending in the first one and wish that FES hadn't been released. Sure, the game was fun and I loved the extra content, but the ending was such a monstrosity to me that I could barely stand to get through that last cutscene. Bleh.. >_<
The World Ends With You: Listen to me to anybody that has a DS. BUY THIS FUCKING GAME. It is the most fun you will have with your DS EVER. The story is brilliant, gameplay complicated but rewarding, dialouge gold, and a secret bonus ending game that made me nerdgasm. Plus, there's like a goldmine of unlockable content once you've beaten the game that goes deeper into the storyline. I'm still unlocking the extra content, but let me tell you this: this game has one of the BEST endings you could ever hope to expect from a game. I don't wish to spoil it, because it's FUCKING AWESOME. Also, this game really taught me something about myself. I'm kind of like Shiki IRL, and it was weird seeing how I act towards other people I know.
I'm going to go into another paragraph for this one. I'm just like Shiki to a T! I am envious of a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons. For example, my friend James recieved a really nice scholarship and is attending MIT in the fall. He's living the kind of dream I would kill to live for. You know, being his own person. Me? Bleh. I've got the local university coming for me. I'm just too much of a coward to do much outside of my little realm. So I really do wish I was a lot more like James. He's intelligent, brave, and has a dream. In that respect, I'm a lot like Rhyme in the game too. I really just don't have a dream. I'm serious. There has never been anything that I have really just loved doing or hoped for. Earlier in May I was having serious existance issues. You know, the whole "why do I exist" thing? Well, I still have them, but I'm learning to deal with them better.
It's just irritating. Everyone else around me has already decided what they want to do with their life. James is going to be an engineer, Hannah is going to be a denist, and Brent is going to be politicican. Even my other friend Ryan is going into Juliard in a few years to pursue an acting career, taking all the chances in the world to get his dream. I don't know what that feels like. Taking a chance to do what I want....
...
..
.
Enough of all that. Whining doesn't really solve anything, it's just a method of me letting off my steam.
I think a lot of these problems will go away once I move out in August. A lot of the trouble I think is my parents (my mother in particular). Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for them raising me to be the kind of person I am today. It's just that they drive me utterly insane! They "frown upon" a lot of what I do. They want me to be a lot like this boy in my neighborhood, Eric. Eric's the kind of guy you just want to slug. He's drop-dead handsome (or so all the girls think), anorexic, intelligent & just a all-around jerk. Why him? Because he's just a little puppet for his parents. They've already got his future planned out for him to a T. With their finances, all he needs is a degree in buisness and he'll just take over the family buisness or something like that junk. Anyway, you can only take so much "you should be like..." until you just want to lamp them one good.
I think being in the college atmosphere will help a lot too. I can think clearly and find out what I truely want to do. As of now, I'm just going undecided major.
I find out my room-mates this week. I really hope that they will be "unique". I want some other influence other than what I'm used to.
Blah. It's really late but I still feel kind of bad. I'm thinking of coming home to Arkansas soon. St. Louis is a dissapointment, and I have family back home willing to take me in for a while.
My current plan of attack on life though... I think the most important thing is for me to become my own person. Until I stop trying to do everything for everybody else or pleasing everybody, that's only when I'll be happy. And that's exactly what I've been doing for the past 18 years. Trying to please the only people in my life.
~Code~ -
Yay.
2008-06-07 19:30:27
I has internet again. I had no idea what it was like to be without it for so long. Perhaps it's a sign that I should not be on the internet so much.
But I have stuff to do and research to be done, so I'm going to ignore that wriggling little amount of doubt in the back of my head.
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Uh. Just went through three tornados yesterday. They were within visible distance from our condo, and there were three of them. I was highly irked, as staying in a closet for three hours with my Ipod is kind of boring after a while. >:(
But I found a bookstore today and spend thirty bucks on about 20 books that I plan on enjoying on my vacation. Yay. ^_^
Uh. Yah... Moving on.
Editing wise, I have some stuff I should be doing, but I really just don't care at this point.
*goes back to reclining with citric beverage* -
Of Three Things I Am Absolutely Sure...
2008-06-03 20:13:59
1) Close Quarters With Family = Epic Phail
2) Internet In St. Louis Condo Resort = Epic Phail
3) I Am Moving In Four Years
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Seriously, internet here in the resort sucks a big goose egg.
I've also made a decision. Every summer I enjoy myself in the new atmospheres that my family goes to for summer vacation. Therefore, when I get my degree in four years, I am planning on moving out of state, possibly to somewhere far away from my family, ,because they are a bunch of ignorant pigs. >_<
I'm thinking about Atlanta in Georgia, because I loved going there a few years back. I'm also thinking about Branson in Missouiri, beacuse I love that town. Then again, I'm also considering Canada as a possibilty. I've been doing research as of late into different towns I could possibly move to, and the cost-wise amount of apartments.
I've been attempting to re-align plans for me to attend AWA, but it just isn't possible. The funding I got for AWA had to go into some repair for my vehicle, after theh air conditiong went out AGAIN.
Blah.... I'm all irked now.
-_-
JOURNAL: CodeZTM (Zackary )
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