JOURNAL: Amizadai (Lee Amizadai )

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  • 2002-04-25 07:54:12 the scent of burnt harddisks.  
  • Somebody PLEASE shoot me. In the head, if you'd be so kind. 2002-04-25 03:14:07 This is not the time to languish in a funk. I have two essays due tomorrow and I haven't even started. I just want to curl up a in a small tiny knot and disappear between the floorboards.

    So many things have happened this past week. I don't feel depressed exactly, but I think it's because I'm so adept at not thinking about the bad things. I can still laugh, I can still joke, I can still function, but all the while I have the nagging feeling that things are fraying. I am trying my best not to let my temper or mental well-being go the same way, thus the delusion that everything is alright. I am swinging between utter lethargy and bubbling hysteria. And I am still not doing my essays.

    1. Paranoia/rage - there is a thief coming into my dorm at night.

    2. Devastation/guilt/oscillation between hysteria and apathy - the RAID harddrives where my indie film resided in has crashed. I am sure there is still the option of retrieving it through data recovery, but I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.

    3. Stress/sense of impending doom - two major essays, 3 readings logs and one interview report due this week.


    I know I am really depressed when I hang out with my friend Merlot and instead of feeling high and happy like I usually do, I feel low and lousy. Which is what happened two days ago.

    I keep making whining noises because all that angst has to come out somehow, and I'm not much of a poet/artist/song-writer. The noises would sound funny if it weren't accompanied with the feeling of wanting to blink out of existence. Not die, you understand, because I'm too much of a coward to off myself.

    I am such an emotional-retard. I have to number the things that are bothering me in a list just so I can handle expressing them. Sigh.

    Need to channel useless emotions of sadness and lethargy to anger. Anger leads to determination. Determination leads to focus. Focus leads to jobs being done. Jobs done means more time to feel angsty, but with the added bonus of not failing my course.

    The path is so clear to me.

    But for now I shall go lie on the carpet and make like a dust-bunny.  
  • 2002-04-24 23:21:52 Strange. The journal entry I posted last night is gone, and my journal hits are back to what they were before I posted it.

    Kyburg's seems OK.

    I'll post again later. 
  • You don't have to hurt me, I can do it myself. 2002-04-17 10:27:47 I have been evil. I've peeled my thumb so now it looks like a boiled, shelled prawn. I wonder if this habit can be classified under self-mutilation? Maybe I need therapy.

    A: Hey, do you think I have what it takes to become a nurse?
    W: No.
    A: What? Why?
    W: Because you don't care about people.
    A: What do you mean I don't care?! I care! I care lots!
    W: You like causing pain.
    A: Oh. Yeah. Now you've put it this way, I guess you're right.

    And thus end my short-lived aspiration to become a nurse. (And the world heaves a sigh of relief.)


    I have a test tomorrow. Haven't revised.

    I am going to die.  
  • 2002-04-16 10:49:22 Lalala. Finished installing the important stuff, and it's only 3.39 am! 
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