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Here I go again....
2003-02-19 16:36:47
Once AGAIN i have been erased. I hate this stupid computer.
Ok, trying to remember....
Tomorrow I have my speech "something that changed your life" to do...and it's hard to know what to do it on.
There are so many things that have changed me, that it's hard to point out just one. Basically, though, I'm a pessimistic psycho, so therefore I tend to lean towards depressing events in my life.
I'm one of those people who believes that if you look far enough past a happy ending, that you will befall tragedy...otherwise, everyone DIES.
The scene is 8th grade (aka Hell). I hated myself. I wouldn't look into a mirror for fear of what I would see. I was a "too" person. Too fat, too ugly, too loud, too obnoxious, too annoying....the list went on and on. Even now, in moments of honest introspection, I hate who I am.
My peers must have been psychic; they told me all my worst fears were true. I would try to fit in, and then be afraid of what everyone would say. No one looked at me, other than to point and laugh. I wouldn't even fight against it. I thought that if they hurt me and I did nothing, that at least it was attention and maybe they would love me later...
But peers are not like parents
Suicide was the one constant thought in my head. I was also TOO much of a COWARD, though. I was constantly afraid that i'd fail and be a paralyzed thing rather than stuck in the encroaching prison of a body that I already had.
I would climb trees and wonder how I could fall to break my neck.
Or wonder how many sleeping pills would do the trick.
But always, the risk of failture kept me from doing it.
There was no solace.
There was no escape.
The viscious cycle turned in me every day.
One night, sitting on the top bunk of my bed, depressed as hell and seriously contemplating actually killing myself, everything changed.
The railing was falling away, and me with it, in my large and unglorifying night shirt.
For a second it was like I was suspended in air. Then impact and darkness.
I opened my eyes to a scream. It was my scream. My arm was bent at an unearthly angle, bone protruding from my skin like an ivory blade. I ran to my parents, who looked at me like "oh god, Shauna's done something else stupid" and all I could say was "don't cut it off" over and over...
Now i was depressed, in pain, humiliated, and full of raw terror.
"see!?" screamed a little voice in the back of my head, "I told you that it wouldn't work!!"
But I hadn't even TRIED to do this.
The ambulence took me to the hospital, mortal pain in my arm the whole way...everyone looking at me with looks of pity and me looking at myself with disgust.
The doctors took so much blood from me that I couldn't really pay attention to anything. Everything was hazy, and they put all kinds of needles in me; I couldn't remember how many. Then they wanted to take x-rays....more pain....as though they didn't know what was wrong with me.
Then they gave me morphine. YAY.
So now I'm flying. Like being in your brain but not really...kinda floating over myself. It was great. I didn't have to deal with anythng. It was like flying.
My mouth was saying things, but I wasn't saying it...like a part of me was pretending to be me so no one would know how good it felt to be away from everything.
Then they put me in surgery....and gave me something that gave me peace. I was no longer floating...I was out of the room, out of the city, out of the state, out of the country, out of the world...I was skimming past stars at the speed of light screaming in ecstacy.
I didn't want to come back.
But I did. -
Ben Folds ROXXORZ!
2003-02-19 10:49:41
"And so
Annie waits, Annie waits, Annie waits
For a call
From a friend....."
Yeah, I'm a loser freak, oh well...
"I'm rocking the suburbs,
Just like Michael Jackson did
I'm rocking the suburbs,
Except that he was talented
I'm rocking the suburbs,
Take the checks and face the facts
The song producers with computers fixes all my shitty tracks!"
"Ya better look out because I'm gonna say FUCK!!!"
I'm psycho...but that's what makes me so great and entertaining at parties and the like.
Shauna! Run into a wall!
{whack!}
Good Shauna!
{pats shauna on head}
Shauna! Drink cleaning fluid!
{glug glug glug}
Uh oh, looks like she died....
Oh well.
Oh wait, she's ok!
{yup yup yup}
Hey Shauna! Jump off of roof!
{clump clump clump}
{...}
{thud}
And that's the end of me.
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I'm BAAAACK
2003-02-18 10:36:58
Back from Santa Cruz.
I'm soooo crazy....whatever reason did I do that? Well, let me just say that I needed the interaction. I was seriously starting to doubt myself and even (I know this sounds bad) Gus. So therefore, visiting was ++good for me. Gus make me sooooo happy.
Anyway...now I have to work my butt off for the time I've been having fun. I have a history test tomorrow and a speech the day after....ah, please, if there is sentient diety in control of universe, let there be a slight bend in physics so I can get the info I need stuck in my brain!!!!
Oog... @_@
Anyway, so now I'm REALLY happy {does manic dance}
People make me feel so good. I love being alive now.
Thank you, Marcus.
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Ahn....good....
2003-02-15 10:42:05
Yeah, what's love? Neediness? An elbow in your face?
We now interrupt the regularly scheduled program for a message from the Public Society of Embittered People; this is just a test, repeat, this is just a test:
"Sometimes love is wonderful.
Sometimes love can hurt.
Sometimes, love can dress up in a wig and run you over with a car"
Note: No animals were harmed in the making of this quote. People....well, that's another story.
Raise you hand if your heart is broken
(sea of hands rises like a ghostly wave in front of computer....)
Or maybe that's just because I'm tired.
Que sera sera.
Being with someone I love, no matter how much they can piss me off is a good thing. I hope.
{Gus elbows Shauna in the face and steals all the blanket}
Argh....trying not to kill.....reflex...
I need sleep. The energy vampire can never rest.
Maybe I'll curl up on the floor to avoid the flailing fists and hands of sleep.
Goodnight or something.
I'm still so turned on...it's driving me nuts. -
I am here...(do you see me?)
2003-02-14 15:25:03
Well, as of today, everything is going ok. I'm down on Gus's friend's computer as they play Smash Brothers Melee...it has been very interesting. I guess that now it's Valentine's day, but I don't particularly care. I like to let people know how special they are even without a day as an excuse. Anyway, so everything is nice right now...I'm starting to feel better...
....I'm still restless though...what is it that I am missing? My heart feels half empty. I need your love.
Love is good. I will give some back if you love me.
JOURNAL: Oni-Angel ([Sha] )
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