JOURNAL: Oni-Angel ([Sha] )

previous page next page
  • Just to let you know... 2003-02-24 10:40:22 I'm not dreaming.
    WOOT! 
  • Dazy days 2003-02-23 00:01:21 I dunno how to say this. I'm not bragging. I'm stating the facts. I have two boyfriends whom I love very much. Argh, that didn't sound how I feel.

    By love, I mean that I can't describe in words how they make me feel when I'm around them. It is like the world falling away but warmth and safety....that feeling in your stomach in a fast elevator, and terrible yearning/turned on-ness. On top of that, I feel this tenderness that puts soft edges around everything.

    It's impossible...to describe this...but I want to say it....I want to say...
    I love you, Gus.

    I love you, Marcus.

    I don't want you to be uncomfortable...I'll make this entry private if you don't want other people reading it.

    You guys rock my world.

    I'll do anything for you.
    Ok?

    These past few days have been the best in my life.

    I hope I'm not dreaming.
    If I am, I don't want to wake up. 
  • Poetry anyone? 2003-02-21 13:19:47 How can it be
    That me
    Is who I am?

    How can it be
    That I can feel so strongly
    But against tradition

    And conditioning
    Taught me
    Paranoia
    Self-Hate
    And
    Lying Eyes

    I love so much
    Too much, they jeer
    But they don't understand.


    Their eyes will look
    At what they want to see
    And ears will listen
    For words they want to hear

    Things we can't express
    With words
    Only emotions
    Can bridge the gap
    Only time
    Is the test that we face

    So don't keep track of time
    And love because you do
    Don't forget
    Happiness is yours for the making.
    And for the taking.

    It's from me to you. 
  • Part Three 2003-02-20 15:37:21 Well, where was I?
    Got out of the hospital, and went back home. Immediately, depression set in again. It must have been waiting for me. But then something happened to once again alter my life.

    I started writing.

    I now have 14 other books that are all written out journals (this is my first online journal). With a pen, I can write out my bad emotions and leave them on the paper; it is my release. I don't like to burden my friends all the time with my sadness or problems. I know that everyone has them. Helping myself has taught me how to help others. I have gained better knowledge of myself through the introspection that I get from writing. When I am sad, I write. When I am happy, I write.

    Writing has saved my life (and made me into a better writer, I think).
    Indirectly, breaking my arm was the best thing that could have happened to me to give myself a wake up call.

    Who knows where I would be without it. {shudder}

    And if I ever forget, I can relive it over and over in my mind.

    Another emotional scar, but this time to protect me.

    Thank you, right arm.
    I am a psycho, but an alive psycho.

    I have that.

    And I have you! (Thank you for reading!) 
  • Part 2 2003-02-19 16:49:49 Ok, here's where we come back.

    I wake up to singing in my ears. I can't move, they've tied me down.
    Oh well, nothing mattered.

    I slept a lot...there was no reason to be awake. Dreams were full of flying and love and goodness...maybe an afterglow of being knocked out.

    They took me off medication, because I didn't like being drugged up...made me feel weak and stupid. I don't like being stupid.

    So instead there was the pain to occupy my time. It was like a companion...something that wouldn't leave me ever. It took the pain away from my heart, though. I didn't have to think about everyone hating me or me hating myself.

    And everyone was pretty nice too...giving me presents..kinda like they felt obligated to, but oh well, I liked the attention. For a change.
    It was positive attention.

    People would look concerned (or be good at lying as I would cynically believe) and tell me that they loved me...why is it that my family doesn't love me unless I'm going to die or in the hospital, I thought.

    They made me stay in the hospital for two weeks. I loved it...i was alone, where I could think and watch television and do the insanely easy homework. I was able to be at peace.

    There was more stuff, like medication etc, but it was ok, all antibiotics and stuff. then I had a second surgery and went home.

    I had to learn how to do stuff with one hand. It was hard at first, and then got easier. I guess that anything can be overcome with dilligence and drive to do so.

    More later...class is soon. 
previous page next page
Current server time: Nov 15, 2025 17:00:52