JOURNAL: Oni-Angel ([Sha] )

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  • Put into Perspective 2003-03-06 13:11:32 I look so hopeless
    Lost and dejected
    I have direction
    But no drive
    Car but no gas
    House but no furniture
    Head but no brain
    Use it for what it is
    Useless

    Constantly hurting
    The inanity of it all
    Beat Beat Beat
    Must kill
    Something
    Anything
    Giant with a magnifier
    Incinerate
    burn
    Burn
    BURN
    Slice, dice, and fillet
    All my memories
    Cook them, serve them
    And then I clean
    Furiously scrubbing
    "Out, damn spot!"

    Blindspot in my sight
    Reach around and hold me
    Always darkness
    This spot in my self
    This black hole of anger
    This void of hurt

    Or there was that guy
    Mirror for a face
    They said he was "reflective"
    One guy broke him
    9 years badluck for both

    Just remember, though
    In the end
    That everybody dies
    If you wait long enough. 
  • We're all little riceballs 2003-03-05 18:55:01 Have faith Josepi. I know how you feel. I often feel the same way. Maybe "faith" is the wrong word. It is something that is intrensically (sp?) different about some people; we just have this tendency to not see what is good about ourselves.
    My bf, Gus, told me this story when I was down about myself (because I know so many talented, "better" people than myself).
    It goes like this:
    We're all little rice balls with things stuck to the back of us. Since riceballs do not have necks, they aren't able to see what is attached to them. So they rely on other riceballs to tell them what is on their back. Unfortunately, there are people out there who have terrible things stuck to their back, but they think that they're actually a lot more wonderful than that and don't let people see their actual terribleness and hide it with a front.
    Others have really wonderful things on their backs (symbolic of all the good things about a person) but since the person can't see them, a lot of the time they don't believe that they actually have it that good. And a lot of people do not like to go and tell someone who is wonderful how wonderful they are because they think that the wonderful person already knows about themselves. But the sad thing is, that most of the time some of the best people out there can't see what is so great about themselves because no one tells them.
    So you see, you're one of those people who can't see how great you are because you are unable to look at what is attached to your back. I know that sounds silly, but in some ways it is very true...
    Josepi, you do not suck. You are yourself. So therefore you can't be anyone else. Be the best in your own way. You may realize that you are way better than you thought you were. 
  • I just noticed this. 2003-03-05 13:41:11 I just noticed that people probably don't read my long entries. The only reason I think they're looking is they say to themselves "what's this? I wonder if it's short and----BLAGUH!! Long entry! Back! Back!" Or they skim.
    Just remember, you are your own greatest fan.
    And worst enemy. 
  • Whoo hoo! (does Blur imitation) 2003-03-05 13:12:50 I am in a particular giddy mood today. My body, or my mind is waiting for something to happen. Something important, it says to me. But I'm not sure if it is something real or imagined. Am I psyching myself out?
    I feel like dancing around and making funny noises and being silly. I am also in an abstract poetry mood...WOOT WOOT WOOT!

    You know what makes me mad? People who say one thing and do another. You know the drill, the whole bait and switch thing that stores do on Sunday afternoons. Only this time, it's personal. "Bob" says he's going to call and plan something and a week later still no sign of call. "Jill" wants to have a sleepover and the only time that you figure out it happened was when you overhear her talking about it to some random person in class. OUCH.
    That hurts, doesn't it?
    The guy who promises love and devotion, and in return gives betrayal and heartbreak, all women know him. How can it be that this guy is so widespread? Like the anti-Christ of love. Or, for the guys, that girl who flirts so openly with you and then when you ask her on a date, she acts like you don't exist...or worse, tells you that it was "all in your mind." Does anyone actually WANT someone like this? This is what I ask. Who wants the psychobitch girl or the asshole guy? Why is it that people become like this? Do they get so embittered with the world that they decide to cave in and become exactly what they see of the outside world? Who started this vicious cycle?
    My guess is, the ACTUAL jerks. I think that being a jerk is a genetic defect. You can point out to a jerk that they ARE being a jerk...you can have fifteen people in a row tell him this and he'll never believe you. The only people who acknowledge that they are jerks aren't true jerks. They are people who use the "jerk" persona (which has become so popular) to gain the conditioned responses from girls who have been brought up to believe that they want, they NEED a jerk.
    Nice guys finish last, as the song goes.
    But it isn't true.
    The problem is that "nice guys" are often a lot more passive than agressive. They want to know how you are feeling and they really DO care about what you have to say. The problem is, nice guys, that often times you become targets for:
    1) emotionally needy/unstable girls
    And
    2)scary S&M girls who will get you totally whipped (literally and metaphorically)

    Oftentimes, the "nice" girls are a lot like the "nice" guys. They care, they listen, and they are often submissive (either by nature or taught mindset). This is why "nice" people never get to be near each other unless somehow (rarely) introduced by a jerk to one another. So therefore, eternal servitude and bondage (literally) for them.

    So now, I propose an alternative (which, might I add, is being widely used nowadays).
    Be CRAZY.
    Now, by crazy, I mean, lose all cares and worries in the moment. Become impulsive, half play it safe, half throw your inhibitions to the wind.
    Fun is contageous.
    People often ask me if I'm on drugs.
    They look at me like I'm crazy.
    They laugh at my ear hats and funky outfits.
    They stare at my short skirts in the windy mornings as I bike to school.
    Or when I burst into laughter because I just thought about something hilerious.

    Maybe i have a disease. Maybe I'm certified crazy except not certified yet. But I would rather live like this...be happy and carefree and love everyone, than have to be "realistic" and depressed all the time.
    DUH, people are depressed. The world and what we're doing to it sucks! But that is the point. I think that's why I don't watch the news. It's either about someone's cosmetic surgery or how perfect someone else is and how I'll never be that in a million years
    OR
    It's all about how the world is going to go down in a nuclear blaze and the greed of the government and the stupidity of the masses.

    I can be bitter and depressed when writing my school papers. Teachers like that.

    Otherwise, I'm going to be happy until the day that I stand under the shadow of the bomb.
    And even then, I've never been vaporized yet. It might feel interesting. 
  • You 2003-03-04 15:25:42 I caught your scent
    It draws me like a chord
    Watching the clock.
    1:20
    1:21
    Waiting.


    Pass the time
    Fantasize
    Think of your face
    Think of your raven hair
    Think of you under me
    Think of you around me
    Think of you enveloping me
    My brain fades to black.

    Comfort.

    Love is so cruel.
    Making me be away from you.
    But I WILL see you again.
    Madly devising plans
    To kidnap you from class
    Just to hear your voice
    Feel your touch
    Never let go

    Encircle my heart
    Like feathers on my tongue
    Aching beautifully
    Inside. 
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