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What we see (the truth+ lies)
2003-01-11 21:26:25
When I have heard
The story of life
And understood the thing it was
I know that seeing
Made me believe
In the nothingness
That I face
I have some semblence
Of something good
Not knowing
If the paths i tread
Are the things I love
And what I would not like to lose
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Let us talk of love
2003-01-10 14:01:22
With February looming already, and the Hallmark cards stuffed to the gills with sappy, pink Valentines' Day cards, I think that we need to talk of something. No, not the sex talk. That was easy. It's the LOVE talk that's hard. Because, you see, love is a very abstract thing. If you ever go into a store and ask "May i have a six pack of love?" (not being silly, of course) people would probably look at you very strangely. The scary thing is that love is, on top of being abstract (unlike sex, which we can explain in many physical and erotic ways-but we will not go there right now) is also damn arbirtary. And that makes it even MORE difficult to figure out because I'll bet that if you asked ten people, none of their answers would be exactly the same. And there's all kind of love...and different sets of emotions that come with each one. You don't love your parents in the same way you love a significant other or a best friend or your dog, etc.
And a lot of people think that you have to be in love to have sex, or vice versa. And others believe that both are independant of one another....but that's the funny thing. No one really knows the answer to it. It's like trying to find the density of sadness or the mass of insanity.
I have made it one of my missions of life to find out what love is for me. I think that it is essential that you do too. I mean, if you don't know what the truth is for you, then what are you going to do? Follow millions of others' paths and hope to come accross something that closely resembles yours? No. The answer is, at least as I've found it, that you must invent what it is to you. And if you should be party to love with another (for love seldom grows alone) then you should invent it together; putting parts of the both of you into it so that it will be strong and untainted with disease. Love is like a rose, as the saying is written. It must grow, and when it does, there will be beauty. There is always pain, as well as sadness, for a rose cannot grow without a rainstorm or two. However, if it survives, it is all the stronger.
Ok, i am stretching that metaphor way too far. The point of the matter is, however you put it, love needs time most of all. Rushing a relationship for greedy purposes will only kill it prematurely. And i do believe that love can die. It carves out a piece of you as well. Kind of like a reminder scar from a long ago accident that throbs once in awhile so that you do not forget your mistake.
But also remember that mistakes aren't always bad. Sure, they can hurt, and hurt badly, but sometimes that's the beauty of it. Without that dispair what can you know of the opposite? (for science says, for every action there is an equal and opposite action).
So love. Love strongly and with your entire heart. Love in any way you can and watch your heart grow as well as the number of those who love you.
For love is your greatest weapon and comfort. It is limitless and powerful. So be careful what you unleash it on.
That Hallmark enough for you? -
Shauna is BACK (and crunchier than ever......whatever that means!)
2003-01-07 18:41:28
Hello! Writing in the hazy days before i have to go back to Junior College.
Things have been pretty good, I mean, people came back from colleges (so far away! {snif!})
And also, there have been lots of trips to the arcade which I'm not really used to...
But that's ok, because I'm hanging out with good people, so it makes me feel happy.
I now have found the BEST GAME EVER!! (better than Puzzle Bobble even; sorry Bob)<-Bob is the little
green dinosaur in Puzzle Bobble if ya didn't guess already). The name of the game is Magical Drop III
and it's seriously one of the coolest games I have ever played. It has cute little characters
but it also requires strategy and involves complex puzzles that you need to make chain reactions with.
I even beat one of my friends who is really good at video games so I feel sorta proud (me not being the
best gamer in the world). Heehee, the New Year's eve party at Scandia was fun...free games for everyone all night!!
And it only cost $20.00!! And I know that I played at least that much worth of DDR and Magical Drop and Puzzle Bobble
and other obscure games that I played just because they were free. I even challanged one of my friends, Marcus, that I would
do anything he said if he beat me two consecutive times at Magical Drop III. I know it wasn't fair because he had never played it,
But the boy learns fast! I soon had to work REALLY hard to keep winning. It hurt my hands. Wah. Oh well, no use in whining.
It was more fun than painful.
Happy New year and stuff...I hope Gemma got her present I sent (stupid paranoid president.) The post office was more like a
Dungeon of DOOM when I tried to send the package. It's like i had to sign away my soul to get it sent...maybe I'm exaggerating a little,
but it still was a pain in the ass.
Other than that, I am now the proud owner of a 15" tall Vash the Stampede figurine!! he comes with another arm, his gun, his sunglasses, and
(get this!) Kuronekko!!!! I am SO psyched! His clothes are all real too, rather than being plastic and molded onto him.
I haven't checked yet to see if he has scars or not, but it's done very well, all in all.
Ok, gotta go, life is calling...(or lack thereof). And don't worry, if you be missing my rants, I'll be sure to write a special one for you...
whoever you may be....ok.
LOVE AND PEACE!! (and kuroneko) -
Christmas is coming up! (And I want that pony)
2002-12-19 14:02:21
I'm coming out of my final-induced insanity so life is getting a tad better. Unfortunately it's pouring so much that I can hardly enjoy the wonderful weather in the stratasphere. Oh well. I like rain. It's wet and cold and predictable. It's also cold. Cold is good. It seems that there isn't enough cold in California sometimes. The rain might be some extra water on the brain, but I'm happy that sometimes the power goes out and I can sit in the darkended house with my plethera of scented candles and such. It's a really interesting way to pass the hours. And for those of more childish disposition, I also like to dress up in my big black rubber boots and go stamping around in the lake-sized puddles (they're actually pretty deep, too). It's nice to get good and soaked to the bone and then go inside and have a nice hot bath...ooh...so nice. And hot apple cider is good too.
Well, it just doesn't seem like Christmas is almost here. It's like time isn't as different as it was last year...it kinda makes me sad. The spirit of Christmas is being corroded by the stupid chain stores. It's all about BUY BUY BUY...it suuuuuucks. Oh well, I hope that i get some cool stuff from my parents and all...but everything is so unstable and stuff. It seems there are no jobs anymore and so how can we be happy knowing that the money we spend on presents might be needed to buy food tomorrow if the corporate bastards decide that they want to fire my dad because his pay is higher sinse he's worked with the company his whole life and hire another guy who's just out of college so they don't have to dip into their zillion dollar bonuses they give themselves. Makes me want to move out of America. And then I remember that sinse I'm a girl that I wouldn't be respected anywhere else. And then I wonder if America really respects girls or is it just that there are so many people stupider than me that I am comparatively a mental giant? The stupidity of the human race is just sickening. And if i could do anything about it, I would. Unfortunately, the only way to change things is to get in charge is to be a "bitch" like Hillary Clinton or something as the old, white, men in power would like to say. As though having a penis makes you better. Yeah, blame everything on PMS and say we're not good enough. As though having sex with whores is ok and doesn't count as cheating on your wife but if she looks at someone else that's unfaithful. What the hell is wrong with people that the ideal woman is projected as five foot five and 90 pounds? That's so disgusting! And don't even start me on the whole "strong woman" thing. People say "you shouldn't fight, it's not ladylike. Let the MEN fight for you." I'm ok with that because it's sorta flattering...even though I don't like people getting hurt for me. But i hate it when people come up with excuses for my strength. They call muscle fat. They tell me that I'm stupid. They come up with insiduious names for me and then get pissed when I have a witty response and kick their ass. Maybe I'm just violent. People mostly like me but do they really? Sometimes I think that they don't really care, even though I would give my life to protect them.
Looking back on that, it doesn't really make sense but I was being truthful. I'm not really a feminist or anything...I don't think that women should rule the world. We need to work together. But sometimes in order to change an extreme, we need an extreme opposite to counter it. That's just the way of humanity.
You have the power over your own life. Not other people. If you decide to die, don't bring others down. (quoting from Vash) "No one has the right to take the life of another, no matter what they have done." But at the same time, you can take your own life. You have that power.
If everyone lived by this rule, we would probably still have problems but it wouldn't be the kind that comes from senseless taking of lives. I know there's the sadistic side of all human beings that want to kill all those around them...we try and justify it with a religious cause or a threat to the bottom line or to justice. But is it right? No one asks that. We want "fair" but no one plays by the rules. That is the way of the world.
Ok, I will try and write later.
Merry Christmas. Try to make the world a little better. It starts with YOU (no, I am not endorsing any religion.) Just BE KIND and see how you can change people around you. Stop justifying your actions with a god. Take responsibility. God (if there is one) isn't making you do anything. Play the game of life. Don't try to make up rules for everyone else. That's not your decision. Ok. I'm as good as gone.
Bye for now. I'll be back. -
Delirium Poetry
2002-12-19 13:35:23
What I have
What is left to be desired
And who desires me?
I feel so tight
A string wound up
The breaking point
In sight
Tonight
I lie awake
Languidly prosiac
Also meaning
That I could fly
Dreaming of soaring
Underwater
But I could breathe
And paint with water
Color, transclucent
Like bubbles that burst
Their residue left
On the pavement below
The futile fight
The endless flight
Of what I am
What I'll never be
And all that you are
To me
JOURNAL: Oni-Angel ([Sha] )
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