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I'm still alive (surprised?)
2003-02-06 10:31:50
Well, I guess that things are just a bit of overload right now. Family problems, friend problems, and bf problems. I want to help people, I really really do, however, it is hard to do it when the people I try to help don't appreciate my input (talking about my family here). They treat me like I'm the big authority until they want to make me do something for them. I feel like an indentured servant, not a person when I am at home. It's difficult to live in such a way. I'm not a bad person. Or irresponsible. I am a legal adult. Why do they insist on controlling and manipulating me? It is as though they made cracks in my emotional self-esteem on purpose so that I'd behave better. Many people wonder how I've survived such a regime-like life. The answer is, i believe, that if you live anything long enough, no matter how hard it is or strenuous that you can get used to it.
I need to get away from this oppression...however...maybe they're just getting me ready for the US regime to stick it's strings of control into me.....
....never thought of it like that. -
ARGH!
2003-02-04 16:21:42
Fuck it all!
I suck! -
Shauna is badminton Goddess!
2003-02-04 12:36:23
Yep, I kicked ass today. Beat my opponants and had lots of fun. I guess I just had to give it another try.
PS I am highest score at Magical Drop III! WAHAHAHA!
*
On another note, Valerie (my sis) has decided to stop taking her medicine and is getting messed up again. My parents are freaking out and fighting with each other over it. February brings love and hate and strife for me. I could deal with this shit last year because school was basically easy and Gus was there for me, but now I'm alone and I have so much other work to deal with that I don't think I can deal with being the big family psychiatrist again.
I can't deal I can't deal I can't deal I can't deal with this alone.
But I must.
This sucks.
I wanna leave. -
And So it Goes
2003-02-03 12:37:10
I feel so terrible. I mean, there is so much that I can't control and so much I want to do about what I can't control. I want to be so full of love, but will anyone give it back? They say if you plant a seed, it will grow and bear fruit. The problem is waiting and all the things that could go wrong in that period of waiting so that you don't even know if planting the damn thing was a good idea in the first place.
Argh. I need sleep. I need to sleep with someone.
{Grabs the metaphysical Gus and falls asleep}
A year and a day.
Or something like that.
(I prefer not to keep track of time in minutes, but rather, in screw-ups and accidental positives) -
Hey hey we're the junkies!
2003-02-02 00:03:23
Were it that I was alone and not sure that I could get there. I am delerious but not sure if what I was writing was real or false. Maybe if I could only be who I was or what I'll never be. I don't like drugs but do i like sugar and sweet and it's so good. I do not know the truth but maybe I can find the reasons eventually. Love food and music and beauty unconventional.
....That just doesn't make sense.
JOURNAL: Oni-Angel ([Sha] )
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