JOURNAL: SephirothJenova (Marquise Strife)

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  • Feeling Psychotic..... 2002-06-29 01:25:32 I feel like really going crazy for a few hours and pretty much just jump out of the window, which is two stories above solid concrete. Let me just start with the entire beginning.

    This morning, I woke up and talked to my love online. It happens to be that she doesn't want to believe me when I say that I'm going to die at an early age, either suicide or some other way. She just says that she would like to hope that I live long. I keep telling her that I'm going to die no matter what early on in my life. I know that it's true. I just know it. She won't listen, but why?

    After that I ate some lunch. I made some Campbell's Chunky Chicken with Vegetable soup for myself. My brother made some grilled cheese sandwiches for the both of us. Then we waited for my mother to come back with the car. Once she did come back, we went to a comic book sale. The sale was advertised at every back issue is only a quarter. I was planning to get all of the Batman No Man's Land, Knightfall, and the Daredevil comics that I missed in the passed couple of years. The people didn't put those issues up on sale, but a bunch of crap. I only found 6 total No Man's Land, and another 6 Knightfall. At least I only have about 15 - 20 more comics to get to complete No Man's Land. It'll be one great collection. I still need around 10 or 11 more to complete the Knightfall story arc. I need 17 issues of Daredevil, most likely to be at full price, to come up to the current one. It' an entire rip-off.

    I think that today was a total bummer, and everything just sucks. I finished my damn Oh, Deliver Me video though. I just have to send it to my love, even though she probably hates me by now. She'll be sending it to some other people for me, who will in turn send to others. I hope that it starts a chain reaction, but with my damn luck it probably will crash and burn in my face.

    Sephiroth 
  • A bit more happy now... 2002-06-24 15:50:35 Well, from my utter defeat the other day in the MindWarpET contest, I'm recovering slowly. I've gotten the courage to go back and fix up my video. I'm just going to keep it more simple for those of you have already seen it. Not many people have. Only around 300 hits total for my "Oh, Deliver Me" video. It'll take a while to fix it though, because I have to load my entire video from the 4 CDs again. I think it will be a be a larger challenge to fix this video, than it was to actually make it.

    I'm onto page 34 of Great Expectations. It's getting quite interesting, even though I'm just really starting to read it. I need to start reading a lot more. Every free chance that I get I'll be reading this book now. If I finish it within the next two weeks, then it will be great. I have to read another 200 page book after this one.

    I'm going to apply for some more jobs this week. My friend advised me that I should just get any job. If I work hard enough, I'll be able to buy a brand new computer before the summer is over, then I wouldn't have to work so hard during the school year. This school year is going to be really tough too.

    I want to mention this in here, but I don't think that I want many people to read this part. I'm quiting AMV making. I don't want to enter into any more contests until I know that I have something good. After I finish this edit on my Final Fantasy VIII, then I'll quit AMV making for good. It's not my inspiration for everyone here to quit, but it's just something that I wanted to write down. I wanted to write it down, so I could read thbis ins several years again and say to myself, "I'm a quitter." I don't know; I'm a psycho.

    Sephiroth 
  • Depressed... 2002-06-23 00:54:25 Man, it's just a bit depressing.. I saw the first cut for Machine's contest. My video wasn't there. I've seen a couple of those videos too, and I think that mine is way better than lot of them. I worked extremely hard on my video. It just bothers me a lot right now. NOT A SINGLE PERSON LIKED MY VIDEO!!!

    I updated my website. I switched from the JavaScript scroller to the traditional table with the links on the left. I finally learned how to make a crawl effect in After Effects. It was pretty cool. I might have to upload it tonight or tomorrow. I don't think I will do it tonight, because I have to go soon.

    I'm a really slow reader and this damn book is going really slow. I can't finish this book within a month. I have to read another one before the summer is over. I should just take an hour out of my day to just stop and read, or else nothing will ever happen.

    I watched Neon Genesis: Evangelion episodes 4 - 8 yesterday. They were pretty fun. I liked to watch them on my computer with the popcorn in my lap. I didn't finish watching the episodes until 4AM. It was really late and I ended up only gettin about 6 hours of sleep, so I missed another new episode of Yu-Gi-Oh!. I like that show a lot, since we don't have any cable TV and I can't watch anything else.

    Nothing of my new video just yet. Need to think a lot harder for a song.

    About that story that I posted yesterday in muy Journal. That's Chaoter 1 of a short book that I'm writing. I hope everyone enjoyed it. It'll reveal my true intentions and everything about me. I hope nothing happens though.

    Sephiroth 
  • Chapter 1: Memories 2002-06-22 00:32:03 Memories... How am I supposed to remember anything? Faint memories of a forgotten childhood. Remembrance of what was, what is, what will be. Memories that scarred me for life. Memories that I do not what to remember anymore. Memories that I wish to forget. Memories... If I forget my memories, what will happen to them? They will be lost forever.. Won't they? My memories. Are they rightfully to be called mine, if I don't want them? Memories of my childhood showing pain, anger, hurt. Memories that show my eternal anger, hatred for the world. Memories causing me to give up all hope, causing me give up all freedom.

    Out of all of those horrid memories, out of all those disgracing memories, there's one. One that catches my attention, my eye, my heart. A memory of a girl, a woman. It's a memory where everything is unreal, more dreamlike than every before. Maybe it is only a dream. It's a hopeless dream that will never be achieved. If not, I say, then destruction will fall upon the world. Dreams can come true. This one hopefully will. The hopes for the world all lay upon the shoulders of a man. One memory wields the powers of great happiness and great atrocities.

    I stand here in the dark, not able to see anything around me. I yell out for help, but no sound comes from my mouth. Suddenly, a light comes toward me. I squint to see myself, younger, falling down a hill. Blood surrounds my younger self as a cry. Another image comes before my eyes, one where I am older. I'm surrounded by imbecilic fools, huddling in their groups, talking about me. I remember how I felt, so alone, so afraid. The light sends out memory after memory, showing myself getting hurt in some way.

    I hold my head in place, my eyes closed, trying to grasp reality. Reality has escaped me. I fall to my knees, slowly starting to calm down. My eyes shut tight, my head filled with one memory, the memory of a woman. I listen to her voice, watch her inside of me. Her essence brings me to a peace. I feel her presence grow within me. She fades away at my touch, keeping me in question.

    I quickly awaken, seeing the window full of the bright sunlight from outside. I stare at my hand that touched the lovely woman. "Who was she? Was it all a dream?" 
  • I feel disturbed... 2002-06-20 01:55:27 I just finished watching AI (Artificial Intelligence) directed by Steven Spielberg, written by Stanley Kubrick. I found it very sickening. It's not the storyline as much as the sexual content. Normal love and sex have been replaced with machines doing the work. It just made me really sick. I couldn't really stand it. I don't ever want to be replaced by a machine. It just makes me entirely sick.

    I want to try to get off that subject for now, because it's kind of going to make me throw up. I don't exactly remember what I did today. I think that I just slept most of the time. I did watch Seseme Street for a couple of minutes. It was a trip back down memory lane. I don't think I did much for the rest of the day. I fell asleep for a couple of hours so that took some time out. I need someone badly right now. I don't think I'll be able to live without someone to support me. I've been getting very strong urges to commit murder and suicide these days. I don't know what's wrong with me. Even right now I feel like grabbing the back of my head and tear it off my neck. I don't know why, but I have a feeling to do it. I know that I can't do it, or else it'll really hurt my two best friends in the world. I don't want them to feel that kind of pain.

    I feel like crying...

    Sephiroth 
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