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end of the day/empty bottle of rum/another attempt
2004-05-05 03:54:07
End of the day, empty bottle of rum.
Where am I now, nearly had a nervous break down over what, AMV making. Because I had absolutely no ideas, no ideas about heavy metal music to anime or anything. I guess its only when I amd runk or buzzed where I truly realize how full of shit I am. Honestly this whole facad if thats how its spelled right feels like bullshit. It obivous I am not the man I used to be and forcing myself to be is just a silly and childish thing to do. Honestly right now I am sick of being arrogant about things, sick of being confident. Its obvious that being confident doesn't work, being depressed doesn't work, being anything just doesn't work. So I stay in limbo, only thing I can do is wait and thats pretty much it. Wait for Sait, wait for music to my ears that are always like cousuling too me and fucked up ways. So many times I try to heal myself of my mental woulds but its like putting a baby band aid on slashed wrists. Honestly I think its better to let it be and let it run its course. Right now I just want some peice. The bottle of rum I bought a few days before New Years is finally empty and now I have the excuse to not drink anymore till next new years. I dont consider myself a excessive drinker if anything I only have a few shots one day per month or a few shots of it in a few months inbetween. Its weird when everyone around me thinks I am drinker, taking half the time I drink by myself so I can erase the whatever chance of hurting anyone. I know my past my dad was like that when he was drunk even when not, he knows now that he can't bully me anymore. He knows by looking in my eyes that if he ever laid his hands on me or my mom I would not hesitate to break him.
Thats a whole lot of angst, its weird but I guess its liek I used to say, thats why I am a Evangelion nerd. Because I see the show and I look at myself through the characters. I have the Hedgehog's Delimma. Does that mean I am suicidal, no in fact far from it. When I watch the show I feel better, I gues sit comes that way with anything I like. Music, movies, anime, the only way to enjoy myself is to select a character I enjoy and live myself through him until the end of the show.
This is all stuff I have said before i know but honestly what else can I say, I can see Adam rag on me for this because I told him to get a spine and quite honestly I hold on to those words with certainty but honestly I feel he is starting to learn that he has to be responsible for his actions. For I try to be everyday of my life whether or not anyone wants to admit it.
Right now I am utterly alone, Rj ignores me now because of my vengefull attitude, Reg and Elite are hell bent to shut my mouth and honestly wouldn't give a shit about me, they want to see me fall under and honestly I am not surprised because I wished the same for both of them, more importantly Elite. As for Robert, HA I am just an aquaintance to him now and I gues sI treat him like so since when I am at work I think about nothing but work. Like Q I take my work and my jobs seriously and everything else takes a side step. Julian is the same way, Chris Y just remembers me barelly. As for me I don't know if I like myself anymore. This is all a sign that I need to leave this city, erase the demons in my life, to start a new life, where nobody knows me and where I can create a new me with no distractions. In the end I guess I just want peace from this brutal world I live in.
I went to work today and seen my goddess there, always smelling good, typical peverted throughts run through my mind every time I see her. I guess I get jealous and lonely everytime I am around her. I feel like ripping my coat of arms off, slip on a tux, tip her to one foot and french kiss her just once. Smoke a cigar, go on motor cycle with just my music bible and leave this place forever. However thats is only in my dreams.
My dreams last night dealt with me and Stone Cold Steve Austing fighting a demon Gorrilla, then soona fter finally hitting 3rd base in my dreams with some woman I can't remember.
I came home, ordered pizza and pigged out then did a whoel lot of sit up then started inspiration fit that I am at the end of.
Whats left for Metal Wolf, whatever it is it just might be the end of it. I feel like it just isn't worth the stress its put me under these days. I know I shouldn't feel like this. I should enjoy it but the fear of failure always gets to me no matte rhow I try to block it. You can console me all you want. Right now the goal is to make and AMV. It may just very well be my last, well last new AMV for a long time, the only thing I want to do these days is remake old AMVs that feel need to be revamped. Their peices of history for me that need to put redone and put into the public so people could really uinderstand what I meant with each of those AMVs. I didn't have the experience nor the help to make them good by any means. Now I feel I do, I feel now I know they are being more respected.
Against The Wind
Rally Ridin'
Cat Scratch Fever
Victims Of Moira Syndrome
Bat Out Of Hell 1
A Boy Named Sue
Whats the reason why I feel like this tonight, you can blame it on one of two things.
1) The Lambs Rum (my favorite liquor when mixed with pepsi, I had the 1/4 of the bottle that was left after 5 months of trying to finish it off)
2) Batman Returns (I feel like Batman and Catwoman all at the same time, in a mask trying to find an equal yet in fear that it wouldn't be the utopia that I wish. Not ot mention Michael Keaton is the best Batman, it pisses me off that he didn't want to do them anymore. He and Tim Burton should come back and do more movies. However either way this movie turned my angry and annoyed/bitchy mood into a dark brooding mood)
So I guess its both, oh well I am going to sleep
wake up
go to the gym
after go to work
after I dont know whatever I feel like doing with an AMV I will do. I have another idea and I plan on doing it.
I got the problem fixed, after countless attempts of god knows what.
At the end of the day I got a few ideas out and they lead in two directions, another James Bond song or a another attempt of a rebirth of Metal Wolf through a band I never attempted as a band I dont think people see much of AMV wise as a anime not see much in AMVs. A deadly mix if I can get it right, key word ge tit right with no liquor involved, just what is left of what you see here. good luck to me I guess since I know no one else I know cares. Either way I got to get it done in one month. LOL, well I am out of here, time to sleep. Don't mind me and what I said, everyone needs to let their emotions out and for me its something I need to ddo on a regular basis.
song of the night: Silver Future by Monster Magnet -
Again I feel like a idiot, that isn't hard for me
2004-05-04 03:07:09
Right now I am dealing with an error I can't understand. I am sure its a simple stupid mistake however right now I dont get it. I have kept everything the same about the script for nearly a year and I never had a problem, not one. Now going through the same thing I have always done it gives me these errors. I dont exactly understand it. I checked the quotations and they are as exact as they came be I checked every space and letter. Maybe I didn't check hard enough I dunno but for the past AMVs all I do is copy and paste the same script into the VirtualDub AVS editor then go "save and refresh" then in the background the video would pop up and then I would get the clips I need. Like beofre it wont allow me to. I may re install AMVapp, maybe I got an out dated one but I feel that shouldn't be the excuse I mean doesn't the program run on its own with no connection to the main site or the such. I dont know I have never been a know it all with computers.
Its these such things that make me even more depressed than I am right now. I can get anything right, its like the computer is telling me to give up. I dont want to, I am stubborn little shit. I just need to get through this thing.
song of the night: "New Generation" by The Scorpions (from their new album), tomorrow hopefully if I get out of work early I will cash my pay check and buy the new album, if the stupid CD stores have it but lets face it they suck I mean they dont even know who "Alice Cooper" is. I mean even I knew who he was before I became of fan of his work. I just remembered him as a guy who black face paint. I don't know, forgive me I have been in a bitchy mood for the past week. I need some good rock and roll. This year is gonna be good for metal/hard rock
I mean
Tomorrow Unbreakable by The Scorpions
June 7 - Once by Nightwish
June 22 - Inferno by Motorhead
a new AC/DC album
new Judas Priest with returning Rob Halford
possible new Blind Guardian album
July - Subsurface by Threshold
possible albums from DIO, Slayer, Rammstein, and Fozzy
I mean what is better than that? nothign I think. I was dissapointed in last years line up
Iron Maiden - Dance Of Death (I hate the album, except for Wildest Dreams is the only good song on there)
Anthrax - We've Come For You All (not bad but honestly not enough for me to buy it)
Metallica - St.Anger (I didn't mind it, they are on there way back but honestly they need to lose Bob Rock, I feel it was him who ruined Metallica in the first place.)
Everclear - Slow Motion Daydream (I like this album, much better than their last two albums)
Nickel BackThe Long Road (solid rock album)
KMFDM - WWIII (I didn't like Attak very much, this album is a much needed return of the KMFDM I know)
Meat Loaf - Couldn't Have Said It Better (I liked it, lets just leave it at that)
Vertical Horizon - Up (Great follow up of "Everything You Want".)
Godsmack - Faceless (I wish I didn't buy this album, I loved Awake better)
Black Label Society - The Blessed Hellride (shit ass album except for two songs)
Sepultura - Roorback (ok album but honestly I expected more from them, definitely after their their greatest album, "Nation".)
ok I will shut up now. I need a chill pill - 2004-05-03 14:39:35 Well here I am again a day later nearly, maybe a few hours who knows. Last night I needed to vent out a little bit of emotion thast I couldn't get out for awhile. Either way I am still working on getting clips ready for my next AMV attempt. Who knows anymore but it I will say this, it has something to do with the anime Nadesico.
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Lost inpsiration/Finding Metal Wolf
2004-05-03 01:37:02
Well it seems from my schedual next week if I can beg my boss Bev to give switch my wednesday day off and put it on Saturday then I can go to Vancouver and see Iced Earth. I just seen a clip of Iced Earth live, with Ripper singing and my god that makes me want to get a ticket right now. Of course if Bev says no I will understand. Just as long as I have my July weekend off I dont really care. Its obvious to me that Sait is probably not gonna mail me any answer. I e-mailed them about it, haven't heard a reply. I am expecting a no from them. Either that or a BIG yes but I doubt a big yes, I may be good but I know I am not that good. Inf act I have no faith in myself anymore. Even in my AMV making I have lost faith in anything I wanted myself to make 3 new AMVs for Animeathon and honestly I haven't gottena ny of them done. Yes I got BOOH3 done but that was for Otafest, not Animethon 11. Right now I have to make 3 AMVs in one month. If this was the old Metal Wolf he could do it. But we are talking to the pussy Metal WOlf who has gone soft after the few years. No more anger in my mind not to mention I have no inspiration. I can make AMV if that but I doubt it would be good anyway. Its nobodys fault but mine. Vlad has given me lots of time to ge tit done. I just can't find the drive anymore to make AMV. I ge tin the middle of it, when I am half way there i jus tlose interest and feel like its not worth it.
There is another hope for me, to attempt on AMV, even though I know bringing it into Animethon 11 i know I wont win, that actually doesn't matter to me. The matter for me is to be Elite/Reg at AMVs. If they beat me in AMVs you might as well duck tape my mouth and kick me down a cliff forcing me to listen to ABBA music on the way down. Thats something I dont want to do is lose to them, Reg maybe but Elite is a big HELL NO!
I feel miserable. Physically I feel like superman with a diet that is actually working (i have been toot hin I have been trying to gain more muscle). Mentally like before is just empty. I know Vlad wouldn't accept remakes of old AMVs I have made that I know for sure that no one have seen at least any for the last 2 years. Honestly I wouldn't accept it either. Making this AMV is more about to myself that I can still make an AMV with kick ass metal/hard rock, for th epast years i have gone soft and changed so much that I can't make inbetween, keep my experience withI have not a applying it to making hard rock/metal AMVs. I got one last shot. Making a good AMV is more the less proving to myself that I still got it and to defeat Elite/Reg to prove my point that they can never beat me at my own game.
For those who dont know those are, lets just say I have a grudge against a guy I call Elite (because he thinks himself as so) who loves to bully me at things he good knowingly I suck at them. While he never competes against me at things I am good at. I have been talking trash about him for nearly a year and since he makes video game music videos with the help of an old friend of my named Reg (who made a few AMVs here and there) he plans to beat me if he gets excepted to Animethon 11 or in some other way. I find myself competing against him more than anyone else.
Thats pretty much it, I know if I can come back from the Iced Earth concert in tact I would have the motivation to bring the Metal back in Metal Wolf. For now I am just The Wolf right now in most ways. If you could could describe my AMV likeness as MEgadeth or so I am in my personal "Risk(using other types of music)/Capitol Punishment(remaking my old AMVs" era, I wanna get to my "The World Needs A Hero" era . The only answer could be Motorhead or who knows.
The only good news that in a few days I can get the new Scorpions album hoping that a once great rock band can get back to rocking, fromt he sound bites I heard, they have. I need some new and good hard rock/metal music to get my motivated. The Glorious Burden by Iced Earth is starting to get stale, I love the album but after hearing it constantly, its getting old. I am only 19 and I feel old, how pathetic.
song of the night: "Up For It" by Rollins Band - Progress none the less 2004-04-28 00:30:59 Thats the slogan right now for me, behind schedual with my AMV but I have been working on for hours on end each day to make it good. 36% done it. By tonight I hope to get 40% done with all the special stuff in it done.
JOURNAL: MetalWolf (Corey )
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