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...
2002-12-31 01:20:05
BigshotJordan: I hope to be dead within the year
kounetsubaka: u mean this year? there is only 1 day left
BigshotJordan: its my new years resoloution
BigshotJordan: next year
kounetsubaka: k
kounetsubaka: cool
BigshotJordan: wanna go play DDR?
kounetsubaka: I'll there in 5
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dOhshShsH: So what's up?
BigshotJordan: when I woke up this morning I got the biggest boner!
dOhshShsH: dude, don't tell me stuff like that!
BigshotJordan: ^_^
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BigshotJordan: I don't have anything to say except my sister bought the lego creator harry potter computer game and it fucking sucked! it was a poor ass piece of shit what the fuck! my girlfriend, also, is hot!
kounetsubaka: atleast we can agree on something ^_~
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Baby love you, love you like an animal. Oh baby yeah! I wanna be your dog!
2002-12-31 01:03:05
Music: hide "Beauty & Stupid"
Mood: productive
I watched Pi again tonight. God, I love that movie! Now I'm in the mood to go off and see Naqoyqatsi, but alas, it's not playing in theaters anymore.
I checked the papers last weekend and apparently Spirited Away is back in theaters. RAWK! I might go out and see it again.
I got my HIDE TRIBUTE SPIRITS album in the mail today. I really like it. All of the covers are excellent in their own ways, but some of them really stand out...and sometimes surpase the quality of the original song 0.0
In my opinion, these covers are Genkai Haretsu performed and arranged by Oblivion Dust, Rocket Dive by Hotei, and Goodbye performed and arranged by Yoshiki. The Misery cover by Glay is also another favorite of mine, as well as Tell Me by Kyo.
Bah! This album just rules. I'm glad I got the version with the bonus tracks on it, which are "voiceless" and "single" versions of hide's last single Hurry Go Round. All in all, definately worth the $11.99 I payed : P
I got White Wallpaper all put together. Now all I have to do is send it off.
I also finished my video for September today. I LOVE IT! It is the most purest, honest thing I have ever done...and it's only 1:08 minutes!
I know she'll love it, and push her desire to screw me even furhter (heavy sarcasm there).
All in all, a very productive day.
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Let my heart take in your tears, take in your memories
2002-12-30 02:37:02
Music: Silc "In Heaven"
Mood: creative
I worked non-stop today. And now that I look back on all I did, it really wasn't that much. All I did was re-scan all my pages of White Wallpaper (24 in all), and fixed them up and re-wrote all the diolauge. I also printed out as much as I could, but my printer is running out of ink, so I'm not gonna print out any more until tomorrow when I get another black ink cartridge.
I started on a new video for my beloved, September. I can't stop making stuff for her. I mean, just yesterday I gave her a new drawing and a poem.
I also gave her a copy of my Perfect Blue video, since I told her I made it just for her (well, and hide himself).
The new video I started for her will just be called "Pure", because that's what the video will be. No special effects. No video filters. Nothing but pure emotion put through video editing.
Nobody will probably get the video's message except her and, of course, myself. I hope for it to convey some of the most honest feelings and emotions I have ever put into my AMVs.
Sweet dreams, my hime.
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I'm a rose...blooming in the desert
2002-12-29 00:33:04
Music: hide "Eyes Love You"
Mood: choked up
BigshotJordan: Even though you may not know it, I'm always thinking of you
Pigskinseason: me too
Pigskinseason: you're always on my mind
BigshotJordan: it's impossible to get you off my mind ^_^
BigshotJordan: Not that I ever try...
Pigskinseason: ^-^
BigshotJordan: I always daydream about you, whenever I'm feeling down or something. It always raises my spirits
BigshotJordan: How could it not?
Pigskinseason: you're so beatiful
BigshotJordan: urg...I wish I could think of something romantic to say >_<
Pigskinseason: You always say such sweet things to me and every time I try and say something back I just go uuuhhhhhhhhhh
Pigskinseason: and it sucks because I have so much to say
Pigskinseason: and there's just no way to say it
BigshotJordan: But you don't have to say anything. Sometimes...I just know
Pigskinseason: :;smiles: me too
BigshotJordan: I understand. Sometimes, there just aren't words you can use to describe what you want to say or what you're feeling
Pigskinseason: mmhm
Pigskinseason: and sometimes, there are, but I just can't seem to say them
BigshotJordan: yeah
BigshotJordan: I don't think I struggle too much with words, but sometimes...yeah, I can't seem to let them out.
BigshotJordan: It's like I want them to come out, but either I'm too embarrassed or nervous to say them. Or maybe I feel it isn't the right time, or it'd spoil the mood of something
BigshotJordan: But lately, I've been trying to be more open
Pigskinseason: that's exactly how I've been
BigshotJordan: But most of the time, you just leave me speechless
Pigskinseason: I've been afraid of embarrassing you, or making thme sound stupid
Pigskinseason: ^-^ I know how that goes
BigshotJordan: I don't think that's ever happened ^_^
Pigskinseason: ^-^
Pigskinseason: I'm glad
BigshotJordan: Like right now, at this moment, I feel like I have something to say...but I'm afraid of it sounding weird
Pigskinseason: really?
BigshotJordan: yeah
Pigskinseason: I-I just don't have any words
Pigskinseason: I'm sure you couldn't say anything that would sound weird to me...
Pigskinseason: ... I don't think.... ^-^;
BigshotJordan: haha ^^
BigshotJordan: Okay, I'll try to let it out then
Pigskinseason: I'm just kidding--I've never thought anything you've said was weird on more than just a playful level
Pigskinseason: ^-^
BigshotJordan: Okay, today I felt something burn inside of me. I wanted to make love to you sooo bad, but I had to hold it back. It was so hard to do it, but I managed. I just looked at you, and you were just so beautiful and you made me feel so perfect. I loved how you felt. It's something that I always try to remember
BigshotJordan: *hides*
Pigskinseason: ::blushes:: You're so wonderful. When you were laying there, just holding each other and you kissed me, I just felt so needed, so, I don't know
Pigskinseason: I and I felt the same way you did
BigshotJordan: It's just that...I don't feel like I have the right to do something like that
Pigskinseason: what do you mean?
BigshotJordan: *smiles* It's kinda hard to explain, I guess. But if you feel the same way, I don't know...I just don't know what to think
BigshotJordan: I'm sorry I'm making this so complicated, but I guess it just is that way
Pigskinseason: I know, it is kind of a strange tihng to think about, isn't it
Pigskinseason: *thing
BigshotJordan: even harder to talk about, without sounds stupid
BigshotJordan: *sounding
Pigskinseason: lol yeah
Pigskinseason: some things are like that
BigshotJordan: it's just that I don't want to do anything to you that you don't want me to
Pigskinseason: I love you ^-^
Pigskinseason: Honey, you would KNOW if I didn't want you to
BigshotJordan: yeah...
Pigskinseason: ^-^
Pigskinseason: you're adorable
BigshotJordan: *blushes*
Pigskinseason: um, hold on...
BigshotJordan: k
Pigskinseason: something's making a loud noise through an open window, but I'm too freaked out to see what iti is
Pigskinseason: I think it's rain, but I've frekaed myself out now
BigshotJordan: that's strange
Pigskinseason: so give me a moment
BigshotJordan: sure thing
Pigskinseason: sorry
BigshotJordan: that's okay ^^
Pigskinseason: I shut the kitchen window and got myself the fire-poker, so I'm okay now
BigshotJordan: ^_^
Pigskinseason: I"m glad you're here, even if just online
BigshotJordan: thanks. same here
Pigskinseason: ^-^
BigshotJordan: For some reason, it's easier for me to say things when I write it out
Pigskinseason: Iknow, same here
Pigskinseason: there's a lot of stuff I say online that I don't say in person
BigshotJordan: So you'll probably get a lot less BS when I talk to you online ^_^;;
BigshotJordan: Yeah, I know
Pigskinseason: mainly because when I need to say them, you've got me so speechless I can just go uhhhh
Pigskinseason: lol
BigshotJordan: *nods*
BigshotJordan: It's kinda funny how we're always kinda thinking the same way, and feeling the same things
Pigskinseason: ::nods:: I know
Pigskinseason: I like it though
BigshotJordan: yeah, me too
Pigskinseason: because most of the time when you're embarrassed to say something, I can pretty much tell what you're thinking
BigshotJordan: that's good ^^
Pigskinseason: but you're so good at that though! Most of the time when you want to say something to me, you do
BigshotJordan: I just like to be honest with my feelings
Pigskinseason: you're so good at it
Pigskinseason: I admire that
BigshotJordan: ^_^ thanks
BigshotJordan: I'm just glad you're always there to listen
Pigskinseason: ^-^ same here
BigshotJordan: And that I can always say what's on my mind, and not have to worry
Pigskinseason: I'm so glad
BigshotJordan: You're really the only one I know who I can say that too
Pigskinseason: ::smiles::
BigshotJordan: which is one reason why I hold you so close to me
Pigskinseason: that makes me so happy
BigshotJordan: I mean, you understand me. You treat me soo much better than I deserve, and you never seem far away.
BigshotJordan: You really are perfect to me
BigshotJordan: And there is nothing, no one in the world who could ever replace you in my heart
Pigskinseason: ::blushes:: I treat you less that you should be treated, and I'm just happy that it makes you happy
Pigskinseason: you, either
BigshotJordan: There was never anything you've done for me that didn't make me happy.
Pigskinseason: I'm so glad
BigshotJordan: I mean, think about it: have we ever fought about anything ever since we've met?
Pigskinseason: that's all I want to do
Pigskinseason: you don't realize how much your happiness means to me
Pigskinseason: no, we haven't
Pigskinseason: I don't think I've ever really been mad at you, either
BigshotJordan: I think that's something special
Pigskinseason: but what was there to be mad or fight about?
Pigskinseason: me too
Pigskinseason: you're such a sweetheart, and I odn't think I could fight with you if I had too
BigshotJordan: same here. It just doesn't seem like something like that could happen
Pigskinseason: I don't think so, either
BigshotJordan: I can't even imagine what we'd ever fight about
Pigskinseason: lol me neither
BigshotJordan: Probably because we're so connected to each other, spiritually
Pigskinseason: :nods:: I was thinking about that tonight while I was at your house
Pigskinseason: You're not just my boyfirend, not just my love
Pigskinseason: but you're a part of me, too
BigshotJordan: yeah, I agree
BigshotJordan: That's why I always try to make you a priority over everything else as much as I can
Pigskinseason: sometimes I tihnk it seems I don't make you a priority and I'm sorry
Pigskinseason: but I try to so hard
Pigskinseason: like, with new years
BigshotJordan: that's okay, atleast you try
Pigskinseason: the only reason I'm babysitting instead of being with you is so I can have money to treat you on your birthday
BigshotJordan: another reason why I'm not moping around about it ^^
Pigskinseason: I really want you to feel special
Pigskinseason: ^-^
BigshotJordan: same here
BigshotJordan: and I try to do it as much as I can
Pigskinseason: you do a sweet job of it, too ^-^
BigshotJordan: ^_^ I love you so much
Pigskinseason: I love you too
BigshotJordan: But yeah, this is why I've wanted to make love to you so badly. And I know the time will come...and I don't want to force it to come when it shouldn't be
Pigskinseason: ::nods head:: yeah, same here
BigshotJordan: so.....yeah ^_^
Pigskinseason: lol
BigshotJordan: I feel so happy right now. I'm even feel kinda choked up from it ^^
Pigskinseason: So do I--I want to say such kind things to you, and make you feel like I do when I read your beautiful words
Pigskinseason: but all I can do is smile
BigshotJordan: and that's enough for me
Pigskinseason: I love you
BigshotJordan: I love you too *smiles*
Pigskinseason: ::cheesy grin::
BigshotJordan: I'll be right back. Just give me like 2 minutes
Pigskinseason: mmhm
BigshotJordan: okay, I'm back
Pigskinseason: ^-^ yay
BigshotJordan: Man, some of these things I've said. I don't know if I could ever say them over the phone or something
BigshotJordan: Not that I don't mean them or anything
Pigskinseason: oh, me too
BigshotJordan: But like I said before, it just doesn't come out
Pigskinseason: oh I know
Pigskinseason: but it's okay
BigshotJordan: yeah, atleast I manage to say these things somehow ^_^
Pigskinseason: because when you look at me, it's like I can feel all you want to say
BigshotJordan: yeah
Pigskinseason: ^-^ and I'm so glad
BigshotJordan: that's good ^_^
BigshotJordan: But someday I know I'll be able to say things like this out loud
Pigskinseason: so will I -- it just takes time
BigshotJordan: yeah
BigshotJordan: lots of it ^^
Pigskinseason: ^-^ -
...If I could start again...a million miles away...
2002-12-28 01:26:43
Music: Nine Inch Nails "Hurt (And All That Could Have Been)"
Mood: down in it
I feel so angry at myself. Last night, I don't know what I was doing. It was 2 AM I think. I was drawing and I saw a blade on my drawing table. I was really fustrated and angry/depressed so I decided to *experiment*
I started to cut myself. I wanted to see myself bleed again. I haven't had this urge since last year...and I don't know why it came back. It was exciting; I was enjoying it. I wanted to see how much pain I could cause myself, and how much I could bleed.
I wanted to let myself drain my feelings out and make everything just GO AWAY! It felt good. It was actually relaxing and I was grinning the entire time...but I was also crying.
And now I feel guilty. I look at the cuts around my wrists and arms and they're screaming at me, like they're begging to cut open again.
And now I have the urge to do it again.
I look at my shirt and there's bloodstains all over it. It disgusts me. My tears taste even worse now. My heart aches. My scars scream. I hate it. I hate everything right now. I have said this a thousand times over, but I just want to fade away. I am just a lost soul looking for a place to die. It's just the same thing, over and over.
Might as well get it over with.
JOURNAL: BigshotSpike (Jordan Peters)
Current server time: Oct 25, 2025 07:28:22