JOURNAL: BigshotSpike (Jordan Peters)

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  • good-bye 2003-01-05 16:23:14 Fuck this journal. Fuck this life. Fuck everything. I'm just gonna give it all up.

    Remind me never to make promises I know I cannot keep. Remind me that a blade does not always bring the answers I wish I would. Remind me that I am still here.


    Because I am more gone than I ever was.


     
  • 2003-01-05 04:26:40 BigshotJordan: I'm kinda worried about next week
    Pigskinseason: why?
    BigshotJordan: damn, I shouldn't have said that! Now I'm gonna totally ruin your mood ><
    Pigskinseason: ^-^ naw, I'm kinda blah anyway
    Pigskinseason: go ahead
    BigshotJordan: well, my parents ordered some therapy meeting this Thursday
    Pigskinseason: why are you worried about it?
    BigshotJordan: *deep breath*
    BigshotJordan: it's because they've noticed some cuts on my arms
    Pigskinseason: ........
    Pigskinseason: .so have I.
    Pigskinseason: on the tops
    Pigskinseason: where your viens stick out when you flex
    Pigskinseason: yeah
    Pigskinseason: I've noticed
    BigshotJordan: well, I did those myself...about a week ago. And they discovered them
    Pigskinseason: WHY would you DO something liek that?!?!
    Pigskinseason: Why the hell would you feel the need to EVER do that?!
    BigshotJordan: I was being a coward, as usual. I just felt so completely worthless.
    Pigskinseason: That's no excuse
    Pigskinseason: I love you with everytrhing I am
    BigshotJordan: I'm sorry
    BigshotJordan: This is why I hate myself so much
    Pigskinseason: it's not fair
    Pigskinseason: DON"T
    Pigskinseason: Don't you hate yourself
    Pigskinseason: it's not fair to anyone that you do that!
    Pigskinseason: YOu think it's punishing youself for some strange reason
    BigshotJordan: You tell me you don't want me to do these things, and yet I do. Sometimes I even promise myself, and yet I do.
    Pigskinseason: but it's punishing everyone who loves you
    BigshotJordan: It sickens me
    Pigskinseason: I know
    Pigskinseason: ...but what would happen if you cut too deep
    Pigskinseason: and you died
    BigshotJordan: I'm really really sorry
    Pigskinseason: no
    Pigskinseason: don't be sorry
    Pigskinseason: please just listen to what I have to say
    Pigskinseason: and know that I only say it because I lvoe you so much
    BigshotJordan: okay
    Pigskinseason: when you sit there doing these-these things to yourself, what do you hope to accomplish?
    Pigskinseason: Do you think it'll make things better?
    Pigskinseason: do you tihnk it'll make you care more?
    Pigskinseason: or less?
    BigshotJordan: I don't know. It was stupid, and I know that. I regret it every day
    Pigskinseason: Why would you possibly think ANYthing you do to yourself will make no one suffer but you?
    Pigskinseason: No it's not stupid
    Pigskinseason: but whY?
    BigshotJordan: It's who I am
    Pigskinseason: NO IT'S NOT
    Pigskinseason: IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE
    Pigskinseason: I've seen who you are
    Pigskinseason: a sweet loving, caring and beautiful person
    Pigskinseason: and jsut becusse you have pain to accompany that doesn't mean that pain is WHO YUO ARE
    BigshotJordan: I don't really know what to say. I can't help but apologize. i don't know what else to do
    Pigskinseason: you don't ahve to do anything
    Pigskinseason: just think about what I'm saying
    BigshotJordan: I just want you to forgive me
    BigshotJordan: and I'm listening
    Pigskinseason: ::sighs:: of course I forgive you
    Pigskinseason: but it hurts
    Pigskinseason: it hurts that I can't reach you
    Pigskinseason: and that no matter what anybody does
    Pigskinseason: it's like it doesn't amtter to you
    Pigskinseason: it it hurts because I know that's not true
    BigshotJordan: I actually went through this same dilemma a couple nights ago, only I didn't do it. All I could think of than was, "What would happen if they were to find me like this...? and September....I can't leave her...I love her..." I feel horrible about it.
    Pigskinseason: I know
    Pigskinseason: and I havte that you have that guilt
    Pigskinseason: because it'll be that guilt that'll make you do it again.
    Pigskinseason: please answer me one question
    Pigskinseason: why do you obsess SO much about the past?
    Pigskinseason: What about it makes you need to keep reviewing it?
    BigshotJordan: Because I'm reminded of it so often
    Pigskinseason: so?
    Pigskinseason: I'm reminded of a ton of things
    Pigskinseason: but if I let them bother me every time I think of them..
    Pigskinseason: you need to realize that the past phas nothing to do with anything and once it's over, it's done with---you can never go back to it, no matter how much you want to, or DON'T want to
    Pigskinseason: please understand I'm speaking with experience
    BigshotJordan: I don't want to remember things from the past, they just attact me sometimes.
    Pigskinseason: and am not just blindly saying "oh, why don't you just, stop" cuz I know it's not easy
    Pigskinseason: well of course they do
    Pigskinseason: and I've noticed the more you try NOT to remember, the more it haunts you
    BigshotJordan: My parents, my therapists, my doctors...they always compare things to how I was in the past...and how much I haven't changed. And I hate that.
    Pigskinseason: but those are only memories now
    Pigskinseason: they don't
    Pigskinseason: sorry
    Pigskinseason: I would hate that, too
    BigshotJordan: They sometimes just point their fingers at me and tell me that I'm never gonna get better.
    Pigskinseason: do you beleive them?
    BigshotJordan: I try not to. But I can't help but think that maybe they're right and sometimes I think, what am I fighting for?
    Pigskinseason: why would they be right if it's you?
    Pigskinseason: whose place is it to decide?
    Pigskinseason: it's yours
    BigshotJordan: yeah
    Pigskinseason: and they have absolutely nothing to do with it
    Pigskinseason: from what I've heard
    BigshotJordan: I was going to cut again a few nights ago. However, I heard your words in my head..."I love you...I need you...". Those words which flowed into the depths of my soul and stirred the love and memories of you. Then I realized, How could I do such a thing and put her through more pain? I had promised to always be by your side and that I would show you so many wonderful things....I resolved that even if my life were to be miserable I still had someone whom I loved, someone whom I could live for.

    Pigskinseason: you know what I'd do without you?
    BigshotJordan: I don't want to cuase any more pain for anyone
    Pigskinseason: why do you want to hurt yourself?
    Pigskinseason: you think "punishing" yourself will help you?
    Pigskinseason: honestly, what do you hope to accomplish?
    BigshotJordan: I can't even figure out why I even thought of it
    BigshotJordan: And I know I weak, and chose a cowardly thing to do. To be honest, i don't know why
    Pigskinseason: ...you don't know WHY?
    BigshotJordan: I wish I could give a good answer, but I can't
    Pigskinseason: do you really think the pain you feel will last forever?
    Pigskinseason: you really think that it would be worth it to risk your life for no REASON?
    BigshotJordan: no I don't.
    Pigskinseason: then why?
    BigshotJordan: This is why I'm afraid of next week. They'll be asking me these questions...and I don't know what to answer them with
    Pigskinseason: it's isn't helping
    Pigskinseason: I don't know why but deep down I really feel it isn't helping
    BigshotJordan: I know it isn't, and I want to leave.
    Pigskinseason: because if you can't feel any different after talking about the same damn things to me, then what good would the same words of a complete strnger do?
    Pigskinseason: then tell them
    BigshotJordan: You have made me feel different. You made me realize the consequences
    Pigskinseason: All I want you to do is think about it
    Pigskinseason: because when you start thinking about it and really lletting it in
    Pigskinseason: is when you'll be able to change
    BigshotJordan: you're right
    Pigskinseason: and no counsler can give that to you
    Pigskinseason: and no one can really let you kow
    BigshotJordan: I need to stop thinking. I need to stop crying. I need to stop screaming. I need to stop worriing.
    Pigskinseason: because you are the only one who can change
    BigshotJordan: What I need is you
    Pigskinseason: what you need to stop doing is thinking you're wrong
    Pigskinseason: you have me--all of me, and I'll always be here for you
    Pigskinseason: Nothing will change that
    BigshotJordan: I need to trust myself, but I can't do that without help
    Pigskinseason: what about yourself do you need to trust?
    BigshotJordan: enough so I can stop doubting myself
    BigshotJordan: and move on
    Pigskinseason: yes
    BigshotJordan: But I just don't know how to do that
    Pigskinseason: ...I know..
    BigshotJordan: And I've been trying for the last 4 years
    Pigskinseason: I tihnk you've been told to try
    Pigskinseason: I think for a while you couldn't have cared less
    Pigskinseason: and didn't try
    Pigskinseason: and others tried for you
    BigshotJordan: you're right.
    Pigskinseason: I think you want to try
    BigshotJordan: I do...
    Pigskinseason: but maybe you're afraid
    Pigskinseason: afraid that you might fail at it
    Pigskinseason: afraid that they'll be right, and you won't change
    BigshotJordan: yeah
    BigshotJordan: that's right
    Pigskinseason: and it's that fear that's holding you back 
  • We are all of walking abortions 2003-01-05 00:31:18 Music: Dir En Grey "Berry"
    Mood: sick

    I'm tired of living right now. I really didn't want to wake up today. I just wanted to go back to sleep and return to my dreams.

    ----------------------------------

    Manic Street Preachers
    "Of Walking Abortion" from The Holy Bible

    Life is lead weights, pendulum died
    Pure or lost, spectator or crucified
    Recognised truth acedia's blackest hole
    Junkies winos whores the nation's moral suicide

    Loser - liar - fake or phoney
    No one cares, everyone is guilty
    Fucked up - dunno why - you poor little boy

    We are all of walking abortions
    Shalom shalom we all love our children
    We all are of walking abortions
    Shalom shalom there are no horizons

    Mussolini hangs from a butcher's hook
    Hitler reprised in the worm of your soul
    Horthy's corpse screened to a million
    Tisu revived, the horror of a bullfight

    Fragments of uniforms, open black ruins
    A moral conscience - you've no wounds to show
    So wash your car in your 'X' baseball shoes

    We are all of walking abortions
    Shalom shalom we all love our children
    We all are of walking abortions
    Shalom shalom there are no horizons

    Little people in little houses
    Like maggots small blind and worthless
    The massacred innocent blood stains us all

    Who's responsible - you fucking are
    Who's responsible - you fucking are
    Who's responsible - you fucking are
    Who's responsible - you fucking are
    Who's responsible...


     
  • The future teaches you to be alone, The present to be afraid and cold. 2003-01-04 03:10:58 Music: Manic Street Preachers "If you tolerate this, then your children will be next"
    Mood: indescribable



    here's my official 2002 roundup:


    Videogame of the year: metroid fusion, for gameboy advance. Even though I don't like video games...I loved this!

    Instruments of the year: drums with double-kicker bass pedals and acoustic guitars.

    computer of the year: not mine. Probably Brian's

    comic book that did not come out this year, of the year: Lost At Sea

    Tokyopop translated manga series of the year: Peach Girl/Chobits

    Event for food, friendship & fun of the year: Sakuracon 2002

    Movie of the year that technically came out last year but I saw this year: The royal tenenbaums

    Anime film of the year: Spirited Away/Cowboy Bebop: KoHD

    Anime series of the year: Now and Then, Here and There/Boogiepop Phantom

    DVD of the year that Morgan bought me in the summer but still has yet to give me: Ah! My Goddess the movie

    Editor of the year: James lucas Jones of Oni Press

    Friend of the year: Brian Baron
    Runner up: Jesse Anderson (Zerophite)

    Person I've gotten involved with: September Slater

    season of the year: summer... i don't recall there being a spring or fall to mention, which sucks.

    garment of the year: my vinyl silver pants and "Zero" shirt. The *early-90s-Billy-Corgan* look.

    candy of the year: Spice drops

    swear of the year: "fuck"

    most ridiculous number in retrospect of the year: the number of drawings I've done this year. Good fuck!

    tea of the year: Green

    city of the year: Seattle

    single best comic page of the year: Buttlord GT page 43 by Nathan Avery

    best computer program of the year: Trillian

    worst computer program of the year: Lego Creator(TM) Harry Potter(TM)

    sexiest male artist of the year: Gackt

    sexiest female artist of the year: Hope Raue Larson

    AMV of the year: "This is Otakudom" by Scott A. Mezler

    Cds of the year: Peter Gabriel "Up", Flaming Lips "Yoshimi...", Dir En Grey "Kisou/Six Ugly", Pierrot "Heaven, The Customized Landscape", Gackt "Moon", Boards of Canada "Geogaddi", Mad Capsule Markets - "OSC-DIS", The Vines "Highly Evolved", and Beck "Sea Change".

    Most ridiculous thing of the year: that movie CROSSROADS with britney spears and Pluto Nash.

    Even more most ridiculous thing of the year: the DVD commentary on that movie crossroads with britney spears

    Hopefully the most ridiculous thing of the year: the fact that I watched the commentary on that movie crossroads with britney spears and nominated it as the most ridiculous thing.

    Stupidest list of the year: the one i'm writing. okay, i stopped.



     
  • Dead poems still screamin into me! 2003-01-02 23:51:51 Music: X-Japan "Scars"
    Mood: uncertain

    In this journal I feel like not writing too much because many of my friends and some family members have read it, and I do not like for them to know what is going through my mind. Never the less, I guess I shouldn't conciel it. I can't. I guess they'd find out anyway...


    I know no matter what I am, I will always live in my nightmere of self distruction. I will constantly question just what I am fighting for until I know there is nothing left. This is who I am. A lost boy looking for his path.
    I thrive on my own self-destruction...and I know one day it will consume me.


    And for that, I'm sorry.
     
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