-
Hey masters! Don't fuck with us! Hey busters! Don't fuck with me!
2003-01-17 18:09:42
Music: Susumu Yokota "Gateway"
mood: still don't know
So I went down to Barnes & Noble and it was much nicer than the books stores I normally go to. hot damn sweet bitches motherfucker alright. I got some art stuff and a fat little hardcover sketchbook and Brian got a Japanese book which inspired me to work up an old comic idea, which hopefully I will start working on today in bizarre strip format. I got a "ream" of paper for my printer, which I have not tried yet. It sounds good from the package though. I might do some coloring on a new girl I designed just to test it out.
On the subject... the female menstrual-what-not period is weird and every girl is different. My girlfriend's moods are not dependent on her period, but on the actual stresses in her life, which is sensible. That is all I know. Other girls can currently suck it, as far as i'm concerned.
And yes, David Choe is now a fucking idol of mine!
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilm/product/film_info/0,3699,974448,00.html
-
2003-01-17 17:30:07
dohdohshsh: THAT steve?
BigshotJordan: *shudder*
BigshotJordan: WHAT steve?
dohdohshsh: dang, i thought you were just talking about some friend of yours
BigshotJordan: well...... he is a friend?
dohdohshsh: i want to draw real kewl! teach me!!
BighostJordan: aaaaaaaa
dohdohshsh: aaaaaaaaaa
-
It's like a merry-go-round & round.
2003-01-17 17:23:46
Music: hide "Hurry-Go-Round"
Mood: not sure
I got my hide: Ja' Zoo CD today. God, I LOVE IT! hide is my god! I'm so happy that I finished my portrait of him today. All I have to do now is find a poster of him/X-Japan and place it high on my door. I'll put the portrait right below it. I did the same thing with a Smashing Pumpkins poster and a portrait of another god of mine, Billy Corgan. Two gods, both on different sides of my door; can't say I'm not excited.
Eh...I think I need to attend anger management classes sometimes. This morning, I was looking at myself in the mirror. I haven't noticed how my eyes seemed to be so tired and sad...and angry. I probably haven't been sleeping enough. My hair also seemed to be a mess. Funny thing is, I was like "Sexaay!" Guess I'm going for the rugged/scruffy look now.
But everytime I look at myself in the morning, I feel boiled. I just want to raise up my fists and smash the mirror.
There's lots of times where I feel like I'm just suffocation in a world full of hatred and sorrow. There's two words that always help me...
"Just breathe..."
But how can I breathe, when I feel like I just want to drown and suffocate and die? It's not as easy as it sounds, yet it's easier than it sounds. I wish to live, yet I long for death! I wish for my own destruction, yet I still wish to live!
Which will it be? Hell if I know...
-
My ears are ringing
2003-01-14 01:16:01
Music: none
Mood: angry and blank
I just hate everything. Fuck my parents! Fuck my family! Fuck my doctor! And fuck my therapists! I wish my parents and just EVERYONE would dissappear right now. I don't need them. Tonight I gave them one big verbal "Fuck You!" They're gonna punish me for it. I don't care. I'm already in so much punishment already. How could it get any worse?!
I want to run away. I just want to find September and run away somewhere with her, or just live at her house. Her parents are sooo much nicer and cooler than mine.
I wish I had a life like hers. I wish I could put myself back together.
Everything is going wrong. I have no control over anything. I don't wanna hurt anymore like this! It's not worth it.
I need September now. I need support. I need someone to just GIVE A DAMN right now and listen to me. All I can do is run to people and ask for support. I have no backbone. No courage. No confidence. I'm just empty and corrupted.
I don't know if I can make it through the next month.
I don't know if I can even make it through tonight.
-
And spaceboy they'll kill me, Before I'm dead and gone. And any way you choose me, It won't be wrong.
2003-01-14 00:51:08
Music: Smashing Pumpkins "Spaceboy"
Mood: spacey
I feel like I am standing inside a dream. I don't know weather to love or hate it when this happens. I guess I could say I feel quite calm. Frist time in a few months honestly.
I went and saw The Two Towers again with September. I really love that movie. For some reason though, I always get really teary eyed towards the end. You just really start getting attatched to the characters. I can't wait for The Return of the King!
Yesterday was absolutely awful. I wish I didn't have to go through it. I wish I could have just slept through that entire day. My parents are turning into the greatest assholes ever. They're trapping me, and I have no where else to run to. They're expecting something from me that is nearly impossible (and I won't tell you what it is because I don't know lots of the people who read this journal. If you care enough, AIM me.)
They said I have to go to therapy even more now, even when I said that I didn't want to go anymore.
Nothing's working out the way I wanted it to. I have no where to run to. I can't hide from it. This will be following me everywhere I go.
I'm now thinking about suicide even more. I seriously wanted to forget about it. But I feel like I'm almost being pushed over the edge now. I keep thinking to myself, "No, don't kill yourself. It won't solve anything." I almost like looking at my cuts. I am not too sure why. But as fear lies behing my eyes when I look into them, comfort fills my body. It's strange.
Nothing seems to matter anymore
JOURNAL: BigshotSpike (Jordan Peters)
Current server time: Oct 22, 2025 09:30:56