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hello all
2005-02-17 16:41:43
I have been kinda busy today running here and there. nothing special I did break down and meet my mom at hardee's thank god you know who wasn't working I seriuosly think I would get sick LOL anyways a friend of mine was working he likes to flirt alot but knows that I don't find an atraction that way but for some reason today he was really persistant don't know why though. My fav im buddy and I are back on track to friendship. In a way I am glad that my mind was so fuzzy because he really didn't take it well but now all is good and we im eachother still.
I got some anime in today I got descendents of darkness I wanna watch that tonight lol it seems alot of people like it and it is on a lot of the top 10 anime lists. I also got my blank dvd cases in SO happy lol now I can have some where to put my numrous vcds that don't have any cases oh wells
I have group tonight I'm kinda lookin forward to it I know that brian and murry will be there which is good cause I feel safer if they are there. I think I will talk about my mask it seems to be on my mind alot lately I think I am getting tired of wearing it. But I think I will have to keep wearing it so I don't cause any pain to my loved ones and friends. to sume it up I know I have two sides like a coin one light and one dark most people have them but it seems that i have them a little more extremely lol my light side is what I am the most it is happy, hyper, and always optimistic to where my dark side is all deep thoughts, agresive, it seems that the feelings I have are intensified by 10X but I seem to do my best work when I am like that. My dark side used to be the one filled with depression and it would make me hurt myself and so forth but not anymore I know this sounds stupid but I embrace the darkness (I know white I should be on hallmark cards lol) anyways it doesn't hurt me anymore I guess it is the pains I have to go through because of my stinking creative imagination I think barney would kill to have my imagination LOL
oh wells I will write after group that is if zio doesn't im me to death LOL
kisses
leala ann -
interesting
2005-02-17 10:45:07
hmmm ok anyways I have posted the 21 chapter to Dio's curious I'm almost done with finishing the fiction hard to beleive I know lol. I also have realized maybe I'm so cranky because I need to get laid (sighs) but getting laid isn't as easy as it usually is oh wells. I posted a new poem on that forum. I posted it here too in the entry before this one. I understand that most don't understand some of my poetry but I like it either way I mainly write it for me and as long as I like it that is what really counts right? Mwahaha! I like my dark poems they seem to speak to me unlike some other ones I have written. oh well I gotta go vannie is inrolling for preschool next year :_( my baby is growing up SO fast. lol
kisses
leala ann -
hello there
2005-02-17 01:19:38
Hi I talked to one of my buddies last night he brought out a part of me I had thought was lost since it hadn't appeared in over 3 years but low and behold here it is! It did come in handy tonight though I held my own against another buddy that usually stresses me out but I held my own and I am proud oh wells I have another poem I wrote like this here it is warning it is dark and weird lol
title: confronting my true self
My hands shake as I step in front of the mirror.
I slowly raise a hand grasping the smooth coldness of my beautiful mask.
I pull it away from my face lowering my eyes in fear of what would look back threw the mirror. I shift my eyes to my side staring at the mask held in between my fingers. It had been a long time since I had removed it last. My eyes squeeze tightly shut as I remember his face that day it had been filled with fear and pain as tears fell from his chin. I had caused him only pain and suffering when I had removed my emotional mask it's beauty replaced with my horrible dark soul. I raise my chin keeping my eyes shut till I know my face is directed straight ahead of me. I slowly open my eyes tears blurring my vision till they break past my eye lids and my horrible soul swims into focus. I drop my mask to the floor hearing it shatter at impact. I raise my now empty hand to lightly press my finger tips to the glass. I clench my teeth together as the hand becomes a fist. I can feel my finger nails coating with my warm sticky blood but I no longer care this physical pain is nothing compared to my inner suffering. I punch the mirror falling to my knees as warm blood flows freely down my arm in rivlets. I punch the now empty mirror frame anger and despair over taking me as I knee there my mind just as shattered as my mirror now was.
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yes it is dark and wierd but that is how I am when I am like this don't worry I don' t wanna hurt myself or anything like this in fact I missed myself like this I do my best work when I am like this but maybe when I go to group tomorrow they may not like it oh wells I do hehe ok I gotta go write on my fiction I promised milk-chan I would LOL
kisses leala -
hi
2005-02-15 23:26:08
well I am online but I don't feel like talking to anyone for now just don't want any personal contact with anyone at all. He says he is confused and I uder stand that but I don't know I don't think he understands me as much as he thinks he does. this is how I am I don' t mean to hurt people but I do I used to not listen to my mind telling me these things and what did that get me? a free fall of 150 ft. (sighs) he can hate me dispise me but I need to be true to myself and follow what my mind is trying to tell me even if my mind is leading me down a path blindly. I trust in god and follow it anyways. see there I am writing in poetry why? well because when I am like this it seems to be easier to write in poetry form than regular. (heavy sigh) maybe it is best that my mind is acting this way because now I am questioning if he really knows me maybe he does but does he accept it? I don't think so. He says that it is him all his fault but it isn't. He says part of him wants to say it is all bullshit. what can I say to that? Is my way of doing things bullshit!?! no (deep breath) sorry I just get irratated easily when I am like this. Is it so wierd that I want to be friends? That I tell him this and ask him if he wants to come hang out? he says that is what every woman says well know what? I'm not every woman! grrrrrr whew ok need to calm down. It is just that the way he says that makes me think that I was right and maybe he doesn't know me as well as he thinks. I am not like anyone else for that matter no one is the same. It hurts me that he would think that way. I don't know maybe I should just stop talking to him all together. He is great to talk to but it seems that I am causing him more pain by talking to him still. look I am so shook up my leg won't stop tapping my foot lol oh wells I will write later I want to write some poetry now. oh I have group this thursday night maybe it will cheer me up.
kisses
leala -
hi there
2005-02-15 22:53:58
sorry I didn't write yesterday like I promised I feel bad but instead I got drunk why? well cause I felt like it is all LOL anyways my fav aim buddy came over and we had an awesome time but for some reason my feelings towards him aren't as clear as the should be. Its like my mind is trying to tell me something but I can't hear it. (heavy sigh) so I told him and well not to sound mean but he didn't understand as so many others havn't. It is a curse to have a mind like mine. It seems to only hurt those who I care for. but well I can't say this hasn't happened before cause well it has my mind is barly moving at all and it won't let me inside of it. Maybe I should get my doc to up my medicine but then I wouldn't really be able to think at all. It makes me sad that he doesn't understand but what was I expecting that he would no not really it is rare that people that don't have this problem do understand it. I don't know I feel depressed now why? well cause I don't think I will ever find someone that will truely understand me as a whole. yes my aim buddy knows alot of stuff about me but for some reason I don't think he likes to accept some of the things. And as much as my personality changes me as a whole will never change. I will always be the same deep inside. I felt like I could be myself around him and I was and he seemed fine with it but he doesn't seem to understand the way I think. He now feels betrayed and I know it may seem that way but I can't help it I would rather tell him and be truthful then to not and be unhappy with myself and my life. It's hard to explain but my mind has never made my life any easier. but I do have to admit that it is usually right even though it seems to leave me out of it all together. I know this may sound confusing but it is how I am at the moment completely confused. I'm gonna go now and write some then maybe meditate and see if that helps me. I just can't help but feel lonely even though I am the one that seems to be making it that way. I fear happiness more than anything weird huh?
kisses
leala ann
JOURNAL: slave 4 anime (Leala scott)
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