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Lets drink up this wonderful life lalalalala la
2005-01-18 05:08:57
I know I am weird but I keep watching fruits basket over and over and I find something new each time hehe. Any way ever wonder what the voice actors look like? I know but I meet this guy once online and he had the most sexy voice on the phone and well when we did meet he was well I know this sounds cruel but he was truely ugly! Oh but that was like 8 years ago maybe more but definatly not less than 8 years hehe And well I always find the inner person thats how I could go out with him for three months but the attraction should also be there but it wasn't and that is why I broke up with him plus there was a huge age difference and I mean BIG! like um let me see here I was 15 he was 23 and well I am going to be 24 this november and well at my age I can't even think about going out with a 15 year old. (sighs) I was foolish back then and I was in that thing were I was really attracted to older guys But still I couldn't do that if I were him. I knew he was that age but I didn't care I had just went through an online relationship with a guy that was 32 We were supposed to meet but that never happened as soon as my dad found us out he called his friend who was a cop. The cop guy gave me a lecture and even called the guy up I can't tell you how bad it hurt to hear the guy say he never knew me........ He was a talker alright he had told me that he had left his wife and kids for me!! I even got a hate email from his wife I now think no... I know that it had to be him trying to make sure I beleived him. his name was Rob I don't remember his last name. Now looking back I am glad that they caught me before we met we were going to meet like in a week or two and I don't even want to think about what he might have done. But back then I thought it was love I wanted to make him my TRUE first and he knew it but for all I know he could have been a serial killer! When I think of Vannie doing that I cringe and I truely know how foolish I was. But I paid for my stupidity through out my life I was a very stubborn person still am as a matter of fact but when it comes to someone I think I love or care about I would do anything or say anything for them and back then all I wanted was love. I thought that love was just like the books I read. I would stay up in my room usually grounded for some stupid reason and read book after book I still do that everyonce in a while I find that if I am depressed I usually start reading escaping to another world I have read SO much that I can now picture what is happening as I read it and afterwards I have a hard time remembering that it was a book I read and not a movie I saw. Once again I will say it I am wierd all the kids always thought so I mean I was always popular in school but I never really felt like I had a TRUE friend they didn't really know anything about me! I think I can give my popularity to the fact that I could give such good advice and well my friends still come to me even now if they have a problem I never share mine I don't think that they would ever understand I remember that I tried once but it didn't work out and well that is were my poetry came in I would read and read till my feelings would over flow and then I would cry but after a while I couldn't even let myself do that and so I went to cutting sometimes I wanted to die but others (more often) the pain was the only thing that could break through the fog surrounding my mind. After a while I would start to pour my feelings into letters I never sent and then I became poetry. I never shared my poetry with anyone until I sent a couple out that did get published but the ones that held my deepest thoughts and fears and pain I never shared and then I met this guy the one I just broke up with I actually gave him my poetry book but he laughed and gave it back it hurt but for some reason I thought of this last guy as my last hope at being with someone. And once again I failed. . .. . I don't know I want to be with someone more than ever now but I don't think that will happen you see the majority of the guys I have dated I always go back too. I don't know why I think it is because I am to shy to meet someone new. And after the accident I was too busy with savanna and recovering that I didn't notice that none of my friends or exs called or wrote me EVER! Until I called a friend of mine that I still talk to but it's not anything like a best friend I havn't had a real one of those for a long long time now. It doesn't hurt but when it comes to guys well I have always had a soft spot for the opposite sex hehe but the next guy I want well I don't want to have to compramise on any of my values I want him to be the ONE for me. There was always something with ALL of my exs that I had to compamise on every single one of them but now well I don't want to LEARN to love them or even have to find their inner person I want them to come after me I don't want to do the first step I want them to do it and if I die alone well then it really doesn't matter anymore yes I am sad when I think that but I want to be well this sounds stupid and all but I want to be wooed I want the guy to want me first not like he's crazy but to were he cares about me cares about what I feel not how I look! Oh well
I think I will dye my hair black! Infact I am pretty sure I will I mean it is really close to black now at the roots hehe I used a lightener a few months back hehe anyway my natural color is near black I have tried dying my hair red which it came out a purplish black and even blond it came out a little lighter but never have I went black I mean I have seen my sister with black hair but her hair is had blond highlights and well it's always been lighter than mine my hair had redish highlights and is darker so I think I will dye it black it won't make me look pale even though my tan had went away I still have a goldish hue. Mwahaha!!! I don't know I will think on it but most likely with the month of love (febuary) coming maybe I will shadow my heart and dye my hair black! I can't wait but I will wait for the month of Febuary to be sure because black is well to different and permanent but then again I always buy perminent hair dye my hair grows so fast oh well
Did you know that I always wanted three kids? Yeah well I did but then I was thinking that well there would have to be a middle but oh well I won't be like my parents (I was the middle kid hated it!) I already have Savanna Jo and well I was going to name a boy phoenix but no I think it will be Akito I like that not just because of fruits basket I have always like that name and well a girl would be Laylia yes I know lodoss wars but my name is really similar you know even though it is spelled Leala it is pronounced Layla or Leila I used to hate my name no one ever got it right but well Laylia is hard to get wrong now isn't it? But my dreams of a family may go down the drain because first I need a guy well I will be married before I have another child and well then there is the fact that I have PCO polcystic ovaries the guys all loved that it makes it hard for me to become pregnant and then there is my medical status that well I will definatly have to plan my next kid but the docs say that the way I am I may die in birth anyway but I am strong and don't beleive that I will have kids and I will get married well thats how I feel right now but give me a couple of hours and I may feel the opposite but either way I have always wanted a large family.
till tomarrow
leala ann -
lalalalala I LOVE lettuce hehe
2005-01-17 23:28:30
Well I do I really like lettuce and well I can eat a whole head of it as long as I have some salad dressing hehe I used to be a vegetarian and I still would be except for steak and well chicken and well seafood hehe Mwahaha!
SPOILER FOR FRUITS BASKET
Well if anyone knows the truth email me at anime_freak@direcway.com PLEASE!?! ok here is the question is Akito the dragon of the zodiac? He is the only zodiac that we didn't see transform and we didn't see a dragon so am I right? And if so I thought that dragons lived a VERY long time (sighs) Oh well I thought Akito was the hottest why? Well because I did but he was awfully cruel hmmm Here are the guys one being the one I liked the most
1 akito
2 yuki
3 sugurae
4 kyo
5 hotsuharoo (the cow)
6 hetaru (sea horse)
7 momeechie (rabbit)
8 aya (snake)
And well I liked the others too but these are my favorites hehe. I found Sugurae to be the funniest Yuki to be the most sensitive/caring Akito to be the most sexy and mysterious Kyo to have the most hot voice (english version) Hotsueharoo (cow) To be really hot too especially when he went black hehe Hetaru (sea horse) to be the most strong and protective Momeechie to be the sweetest and well aya was the most interesting Mwahaha I know that I probably miss spelled their names but oh well I spelled them how they sounded and well the ones I wasn't sure of I put their animals next to them.
I could watch that anime every day for the rest of my life! Hmmm lettuce with ranch dressing YUMMY! OK think what is the grossest thing you have ever eaten but liked the taste? Mine is chicken gizzards I know gross huh?
Let's see I have ate sushi four different kinds. One had seaweed on it and well I really hate the taste of seaweed. The other had a piece of eel on it which had NO flavor to it what so ever. THe other was ok not anything I would want to really eat a lot. The last was SO pretty I wondered what the pink stuff on the outside was and then I took a bit...... Fish eggs... They didn't taste bad but the whole sensation of crunching down and getting a squirt wasn't the greatest and so that was my adventures with sushi / not really my thing but it didn't make me throw up either. I love chinese food and well japanese food is ok too. Mexican is ok just alot of well stuff. French is ok Persian is THE BEST! Every once in a while we go to chicago which is like 3 hours from here and we eat at a resturant called Rezza's if you live near by there you should go and order the Sultanie very very good my favorite!
My favorite things to eat are well veggies fruit rice pizza and well pasta and I really like cheese hehe. I know alot of carbs but I myself only eat once a day. OOH and peanut better and jelly (strawberry) YUMMY! hehe as you can tell I am eating as I write teehehe it's lettuce with ranch dressing hehe.
I think I might try watching the Big O on cartoon network to night. It looks ok. ::starts bawling:: I'm outta letuce Oh well I think a smoke will make me feel better hehehe. Oh and to make today even suckier my hot water pipes froze No more REALLY hot baths unless I want to go to my parent's house and use their water HUMP! Oh well for now I have to use freezing cold water (shivers) So for now I will just wash my hair and hopfully I can get ahold of someone tomarrow. :_ _ _ ( SO SAD! I would give anything to take a boiling hot shower right now. Well I got my stereo out of storage it's a really big one the speakers are to my shoulders now I have to find somewhere to put it hmmmmmm maybe if I move the china cabnet over but it's huge hmmmmmm well maybe I could pay my bro and john his friend to move some stuff later till then it will just have to stay by the door.
Oh good news I have stopped the pain meds and the Zyvox the other day I have a tad bit of pain so far but I will live now I only have to take 6 pills aday two in the morning and three at night. As I was taking 5 in the morning and 6 at night it's not much at one time I would take let me see here 10 in the morning and 11 at night I would say this is a very big improovment!
Well I gotta go Oh if any of you know how I can do the top 100 amvs list tell me I did a form thingy check it out
leala -
hi
2005-01-17 17:39:54
Sorry abou that last entry I made it private I don't want to depress you that is what happens when I don't have enough sleep hehe
Anyway I can't really stand Oswald I know it's for kids and that is what savanna is watching right now. Yesterday I ran a slight fever I think I pushed it staying up all night Mwhaha! I also rewatched fruits basket MAN I LOVE THAT ANIME! I think I vould rewatch it every day! Crazy I know but I really really liked it! I might get a wall scroll and hang it up with my sailor moon and marmalde boy one hehe. They're in my living room my living room is in oriental and anime. I have always liked oriental stuff I don't know why but I LOVE IT! My kitche is done in peppers and fiesta stuff. My room is in a romantic theme with a bunch of waterhouse pictures like lady of shallot (my faorite) and the other camalot pictures. I want to get some of the romeo and juilet pictures like the one intitled swing I don't know who does them but I love them hehe. Savanna's bathroom is all rubber duckies it is kinda over whelming but bright and cute. Her room is in fairytales. As for my bathroom it is in well alot of Dali pictures are hung there but when I get the time and money I want to do it in Hello kitty why? because I think it is SO cute. I used to want to be an interior designer but like I have said before I really never liked school.
I mean I used to love going at first but as the year went on I would get over worked and I would start skipping alot. Even when I went to DACC the community collage here I had morning classes and well I was never a morning person. haha
I worked on spirited love a bit last night and well it is really sad so far but I don't plan on it being that way the whole time it will get lighter towards the end I guess my fanfiction reflects alot of how my mood is when I write it. Oh well savanna is calling gotta go write later
leala -
ok I should have known better
2005-01-16 21:39:06
Well I feel like crap! I should have known better than to stay up all night not only did my fingers swell up but my brain so kinda slow today heheeeee
But I really wanted to share something with you watching that anime made me come to a realization that I always wanted to be one of the boys don't get me wrong not in a gay way but I wanted to be well protected and at the same time I guess I was striving to be admired and loved too. I know that sounds corny but let me tell you about some of what made me come to this idea I realized that I admired Toroo I wanted to be surrounded by cute guys that all wanted to protect me but in thier hearts they loved me and only wanted for me to be happy. I know non of my escapaids ever ended up like that I was the girl that always went with the bad boys I wanted to help them let them know that even if no else did that I loved them for who they were but I'm getting ahead of myself here let me tell you about what would happen.
My first taste of being one of the boys came my 6th year in middle school I was best friends with two boys one a trouble maker and the other a class clown I had a crush on the class clown but one day a boy asked me out for another and I said yes and well it ended up being a cruel joke and the next day when I came to school another boy asked me out but this time it was for my crush I once again didn't want to be humiliated and so I said EW no he is like a brother to me and well when I saw his face after I said that I almost died because then I realized that my crush had been serious and I had been stupid and hurt him the one guy every girl wanted to go out with (he was really cute hehe) and he had asked me out and well that is one mistake I have regretted my whole life I mean I was still friends with him but I truely hated my self for the longest time and the last time I saw him was about well over a year ago he actually remembered me and I realized that he must have been my first love because it still hurt to see him and I am to cowardly to ever tell him (sighs) He told me that he was now a modle and was going to try out for ambercombrie and fitch that summer I KNOW but I knew he was telling the truth and despite him being the class clown he really was smart and even if as a friend I miss him......
The next time I hung with the boys was 8th grade and the only sad thing that happened was that the boy I was closest to and best friends with moved the next year to Georgia I was suprised to see him the next year at high school but he had changed and acted like he barely knew me and then he did go away for good this time I miss how we could talk about anything
At this point I stayed with the girls for a while yeah I had friends that were boys too but never anything that great feelings always seem to make us part from one another I don't know why but I have always been more comfortable around boys more than girls do you think that is wierd?
That is when I started out going out with the bad boys I have always been atracted to that kind my counsler said that it is because I want to help them so that maybe they will love me more and well my neuropyshcologist said that it is because like goes for like (I don't know if I beleive her) Any was I went out with a very troubled young man well he was a month older but anyway I wanted to show him that even though no one else was willing to understand him but that not only did I understand him I loved him and well I did my mom says I am one of those people who give and give never really wanting something in return and well I guess that is true maybe that is why I get hurt so easily any way he had some major problems and well after three months we split I still don't konw why he just called me and quietly blurted out something about his sister whom I never got to meet and said we had to break up I cried for days and for the first time I truely tried to kill myself I thought that all I had ever wanted to do was love him accept him but once again I had messed it up. I still have a soft spot in my heart for him I no longer love him but my heart aches whenever we talk which is really really rare. But the reason why I put him in there was well we hung out with his friends all being boys and well once again I was one of the boys tehehe but that isn't why I was with him I truely wanted to save him love him and well obviously that didn't work out.
Now the next time was when I was with my ex fiance he was very controlling and had a mean jealouse streak after a year of going out I became best friends with two guys in my science class both were class clowns and we sat in the back together and for once I loved them as brothers I would give them advice even though they were a year ahead of me and I even got a girl to go out with one of them as far as I know they are still together. My boyfirend was horribly jealous but I didn't let him cut me from them even though he had succeeded in doing that with all my other friends taking them as his own and but also taking them away from me. towards the end of our realationship I had graduated early and if he had had his way I wouldn't have I would have kept going to school even though I didn't need the credits but with this I put my foot down I always hated school! anyway I graduated early and started collage I moved in with him and soon I no longer had friends we hung out with his friends and besides his sister I didn't have any friends that were girls and to tell the truth it really didn't bother me I know selfish right? anyway he was the main reason why I quite collage he was mad that I had started and he hadn't like I have said before after a while I got tired of his wining and started to be disgusted by him and well I broke it off and have never looked back.
After that I moved in with that guy and well there were also three other guys living with us too. We would party with even more guys making it around 7 or 8 guys and me alot. I had friends that were girls but they were friends together and well I never really fit in. anyway I was stupid and slept with one of the guys who will show up later in this and pluss I knew him from the guy that I had went out with that had problems I hope I am not loosing you here anyway we slept together and well the next day he acted like nothing ever happened he did after all have a girlfriend I felt horrable and that everyone is why you should never drink! anyway I don't know if it hurt the guy that I stayed with I had a crush on him not the other and well I was happy when I woke up that one morning in his arms on the couch but I think he felt like a really good friend towards me and when I learned that one of my friends really liked him she asked me if I still liked him and me being the giving person that I am said no even though it was a lie but then if I hadn't done that I would have never had had savanna (smiles)
After that I was friends with mainly girls until I started working at hardees yes i was best friends with a girl but she was really selfish and well I helped her get out of a relationship she didn't want to be in and the guy fell for me SUCKS which I think made her jealouse of me anyway I was friends with her and another girl who was really nice but in a way was using me to get to a guy. We would hang out with a bunch of guys and well the guys that I wanted was in love with that girl and she liked him but was in another relationship anyway I loved him alot I realize that now because when it was time for her to go home to her boyfriend he came to me for comfort and well we you know but when she was around it was like it never happened and well I didn't hate her for it she was my friend and she knew about me and him but he was just using me for comfort when she would leave and I knew that but didn't care in a way I wanted them to be together just so he would finally be happy. Stupid I know but I still feel that way even though I know it will never happen. Anyway after a while I started hanging out with one of his friends who I knew had a crush on me but at the same time I also hung out with his other best friend and well I was a bad girl they all wanted me all excpet the one I wanted he had a crush on some girl younger than both of us by like 4 years. So I sought out love and well as the saying goes in all the wrong places I started to have sex with one of his best friends well alot and I hung with his friends even though he wasn't there I liked being one of the guys the only thing was his two best friends hated eachother so I would go from hanging out with one to the other and like I said I started ummm being? I guess you could say with one I would have normally never have even looked at him but I saw the guy inside and I started to actually think he was cute wierd I know but anyway I wanted to give him comfort and well I let him take it further and it started this thing I would be with him and then I would go back and be with the main guy when he would have a bad time and it went like this for a while till the main guy finally went back to an old girl friend and my and his old girl friend had been friends but he had stopped that friend ship and in that way I was a cruel person. Anyway I started to be at that one guys house almost every night the main guy was never there anyway after a while we just stoped I don't know why I just seemed to seep into a depression anyway I came out of it and one of the main guys friends not really best friend but friend I had always had a crush on because he was SO cute anyway one day we decided that he would cheat on his girlfriend with me but no one would know and well it happened and I really don't regret it but after that one time the main guy came back to me and when I could no longer stand it I finally told him I wanted to cry the way he became quiet I didn't want to hurt him and now looking back I don't think I did I think he was just mad because his ex was sisters with the guys girlfriend anyway all in all he didn't care that it was me he was mad because the guy had cheated on one of his so called friends. I want to cry but I am not finished yet. Anyway the main guy once again went back to his ex after a week or two I didn't care that he had used me I just wanted him to be happy. Anyway I had cut myself from that one guy I was sleeping with and I started to sleep with the main guys other friend who hated the guy I had been sleeping with anyway he is the guy that treated me like a princess but after a while it turned out that I was 3 months pregnant which ment it was a toss up for the daddy. I seperated myself from them all I didn't work at hardees by that time. Now before you go and judge I wasn't on any meds I was in what they call a mania and all I really wanted was to be accepted and loved but I looked in the wrong people. The girls I was friends with one had moved away and the other well we were friends but she was one of those people that everything is about her and she just takes and takes and soon we just lost touch.
Now into the future savanna is three month old I have a new boyfriend (AKA the guy I slept with when I was living with all those guys remember him?) anyway we had been going out since savanna was little and I remember how happy I was that he stated to call himself daddy. I only wanted my little girl to be happy and I knew that she wouldn't have as hard as a time if she had a daddy. But all was lost I just snapped one day and thats when I tried to jump from the bridge what do I mean tried I did anyway my memory blacks out for two months and after three months of time from the accident I find out that my boyfriend is messing around and why I am in the hospital no less! So I break it off and now I realize that he also had some problems that I wanted to help with but all I really could do was love him and see if that was enough and it turns out it wasn't.
Jumping again to about a year and a half ago That guy the MAIN guy remember him? Well we got back together he said that he was so stupid back then and that he was sorry and since I still loved him we started to go out. To make a long story short a year goes by savanna gets attached but when one day he yells at her I put him in his place saying that he was not her daddy and to just leave it to me saying because mommy said so. I almost died inside when I had to say that but I knew that savanna was the most important thing to me in the world so it had to be done I had been there for those three years and nine months not him! anyway our year aniversery was coming and I told him that he needed to make a commitment and well normally I'm not that pushy but I really didn't know what his intensions were and I didn't want savanna to start loving him even though I think she already did to be brushed aside for another. I made a stupid excuse oneday when we got into a fight because he had invited me to a birthday party for his friends dad but then blew me off. I would normally wouldn't say anything but it really hurt so I was stupid and left a mean message on his phone then another saying that if he didn't want to make a commitment then fine I wouldn't be there waiting for him. He showed up that night with savanna's car seat I was just getting home and savanna was with my parents I pulled up to have him pull in after me he came up to my window and tapped on it I rolled it down and he said were do you want your stuff............. Sorry I still cry when I think about it after all he had done to me his cold way of asking that question made me loose it I didn't cry infront of him I just said on the porch and left driving to were I don't remember but an hour later I come home and he is gone the stuff on the porch. And that I don't know why but that is one of my most painful memories. I didn't talk to him for a month but I finally called him asking why he thought we had broken up (counsler's request) he said stress and I asked him what he thought of me now he said as a good friend. A friend.
I know I still love him but it doesn't matter anymore now does it? All I ever wanted growing up was to be loved to marry and have a family of my own. Now all I have is Vannie. It hurts but I know that I love her SO much that I would never give in when it comes to her even if it would make someone else happy SHE is my life. ANd that is the truth. I find it funny that out of all my unhappy memories being raped, always feeling like an outsider, and always having friends that hurt you calling you wierd that that boy could say 6 words and that it hurt more than everything together. Weird huh? But I have my parents and siblings and even though they don't know everything about me and probably never will I know that all those years I hated them all those times I was mean and wanted to die they never stopped loving me even if I never really fit in with the family they still loved me.
I now know that as much as I hate to be alone (as in by a boyfriend or what ever) I have a family and I have a family of my own now even if it is just the two of us.
Well I'm bawling now I need a smoke hehe
till later and I hope I haven't kept you long
leala ann -
huh hellllllooooooooo
2005-01-16 11:57:08
Okay my head is hurting SO bad I need sleep but I wanted to tell you that fruits basket it now my all time favorite anime period....... It will take one hell of an anime to knock it off of it's top spot I now know why everyone had it on their top ten I LOVE IT! I might even read some of it's manga which is a first for me I tried the whole manga thingy but it couldn't ocupy my time enough but THIS anime I am willing to read! IT WAS WELL GREAT! I know I seem to keep finding anime that is better constantly changing my top favorite but this time I am DEAD serious it is my number one and I doubt that I will replace it and I mean EVER! I found myself crying and then laughing so hard my head now hurts then I would bawl again and well I know I do that with alot of animes but this one is in a class all on it's own I LOVED IT I just wish they would come out with like and ova or a movie yes it ended fine but I have a feeling that it will soon be a fanfiction obsession with me I LOVED IT that much but don't worry I will finish my last exile one and do the spirited love one I imagine it may take me a while to write about this anime and it will be one that I will rewatch often which is wierd because I NEVER do that hehehehehehehe
Oh and let me say the majority of my anime is in japanese with english subs but for some reason I got this one in english I don't know why cause I prefer the subs but let me say the english version will forever be my favorite they had excellent voices that fit the character to a T but I know that since I love it so much I might splurge to get the japanese version also but only to see it from the japanese view the english version will always be the best to me.
I give fruits basket five out of five stars and the top spot in my anime and once again I will say IT WILL TAKE ONE HELL OF AN ANIME TO REPLACE IT! I will not change my mind ever even if I am lacking in sleep what I say is true.
leala
JOURNAL: slave 4 anime (Leala scott)
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