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2002-04-25 08:14:21
ALLURE "All Cried Out"
All alone on a Sunday morning
Outside I see the rain is falling
Inside I'm slowly dying
But the rain will hide my crying, crying, crying
And you
Don't you know my tears will burn the pillow
Set this place on fire
'Cause I'm tired of your lies
All I needed was a simple "Hello"
But the traffic was so noisy that you could not hear my cry
I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure,
My heart never knew such pain
And you, you leave me so confused
Now I'm all cried out, over you.
Leaving me all alone
Don't you know my tears will cause an inferno
Romance up in flames,
Why should I take the blame?
You were the one who left me neglected
Apology not accepted
Add me to the broken hearts you've collected
I gave you all of me
How was I to know,
You would weaken so easily
I don't know what to do
Now I'm all cried out
Over you
I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure,
My heart never knew such pain
And you
You left me so confused
Now I'm all cried out
Over you
It's almost the one year "anniversary" of me finding out that my last boyfriend lied to me (even though said he was one of those people who believed in always telling the truth. And after he taught me the value of a promise and the value of truth). God damnit it's been almost a year and the thoughts are still there. Sure I could get over it, and I thought I did when I got back with my first boyfried. But while I was with Jamie (my first boyfriend) and I knew I wasn't over my last boyfriend (his name was Lee). Don't want to get graphic about my sex life or anything, but I couldn't get intimate with Jamie cuz I just didn't have the desire to. And I just wonder if the whole world is lying to me like Lee did. And I wonder if I would be able to trust anyone else again. I broke up with Jamie after a month cuz I knew that I wasn't in love with him. But that doesnt mean I am still in love with Lee. But I wonder sometimes. A couple of times I though I saw him coming through the door of my job and my heart jumped and I almost dropped the papers I had in my hand. But it never is him. And even if it was, I dont know how I would react to the situation. I would probably just pretend I didnt care and that I was over the whole thing, but he always had a way of seeing right through me and seeing my hidden emotions. He was my best friend before we got involved and maybe we shouldnt have gotten involved cuz there were alot of things that werent right about it, but you think I cared? I kinda regret the whole thing, but at the same time I dont because we had our great times. And now I just wish I had him with me even though I know if he came back I would refuse him cuz I know he isn't the "one".....Maybe if my friend hadnt shown me that tape with Lee and the other girl things would be fine. Or maybe if Lee had just admitted it when I told him I had seen the tape (instead of denying it for 2 freaking days) I wouldnt be so heartbroken. Maybe if my friends (except for one) hadn't lied to me also about it, then maybe I wouldn't be so untrusting. But thats just silly cuz it wouldnt have changed a damn thing. At least I learned alot from this whole experience. Well I learned a lot of good and bad things. The bad thing is that I havent let anyone get that close again and I have the feeling that the whole world is out to screw me over. Deep down I know that isnt true, but I just feel like I have a cage around my heart and soul, which is why I havent even made any friends since that time. Now I am as alone as ever, drowning in my own freaking misery and not having anyone understand. I feel so changed inside, but not for the better though. Just kind of dead, uncaring, restless. I do things to occupy my mind, but all my feelings about the world, school and life in general relate to this dea and untrusting feeling. Sorry for going on and on. Just needed to vent. Feel a little better now. Some kid wants to use this computer. Well gotta go.
- 2002-04-25 06:18:32 Although I lost my last entry, it really wasn't that important anyway. Well Just happy the site is back. Thanx Phade. In other news, I feel like crap again, but that has been pretty much a daily ocurrence now for about a year. Most people looking at me from the outside wouldn't think I was so messed up inside. Well maybe they do cuz alot of the times my mom says I have a sad face or a grumpy face. And sometime when I am walking in public I get the urge to cry and my eyes water up. But I dont wanna spoil anyones day by describing my misery. So on the lighter side, I have to hand in a rough draft of a final paper I am dfoing for English class. Cool thing is that I will be doing my report on Nintendo (and video games in general). The tpoic for the paper was "something that happened on the year you were born that helped shape your generation". I had a hard time finding something in 1984, so I decided to just screw it and do Nintendo, which came out in 1985. But like always I havent done it yet. I get to school like an hour before class starts, Maybe I will do it then. I didnt do anything last night cuz I was feeling like shit and I went to sleep early. Plus my goddamn DV500 isn't working. I gotta call those assholes at Pinnacle to see if they can help me. After I spent 20 hours downloading new drivers for the card, the shit still wouldn't work. Doesnt look like I will be using it this weekend. ::sigh::
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2002-04-17 07:53:22
God I cant even type anymore., Its supposed to be
"Next on the DAYS OF OUR LIVES".
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Read this if you are really bored
2002-04-17 07:49:46
it so freaking HOOOOT . I can't stand hot weather. I should move to Alaska or something. I mean, when its really hot outside, what the hell can you do to keep cool? It's not like you can walk around naked or anything and even if you do, it wouldn't help at all. At least when its cold outside you can wear lots of clothes. I need a car with AC cuz I cant take this. I have to write a philosophy paper for tomorrow and write soemthing esle for English class too. Looks like I won't have a anime marathon tonight like I did last night. If you ever watched Record of Lodoss War, I gotta say one thing. Parn is annoying as hell. Not to mention he has an annoying voice in the English dub. He actually reminds me alot of this Italian guy in high school I used to have a huge crush on. Yea, he had an annoying voice too but I was young and stupid back then (hmm only like 2 years ago). Ok lemme stop. This school library is soooo hot inside. I only pay like 30 grand a year to come here, and they can't even put the AC on. Thank god I don't live in the dorm anymore cuz I remember when I first moved in it was sooo hot cuz the dorm didnt have AC.. and I lived on the 4th floor, and my room was on the side where there was no breeze. ...
I actually think I am gonna die cuz I skipped my history class again. Oh god this is horrible. So I know I am gonna fail, but my parents dont know yet and the shit is gonna hit the fan when they do. I know you are all saying "just go to clas you fool". Yea well whats the point being that I know I am not gonna take notes again and I know I won't study for the final and blah blah blah. I am doing pretty good in my other classes though. It's weird. My parents dont take it seriously about me being depressed alot. Only time they did was when I tried to commit suicide (I know, I know. I am not gonna do that again).. But they think I am actually ok now. But I am actually not. I graduated #4 in my class, and I could have been valedictorian had I REALLY applied myself, but school isn't something I enjoy. So I usually dont do anymore than I have to. Now its even worse cuz I really dont give a damn. The only reason I care is because my parents are paying part of my tuition and I will most likely lose my scholarship now or I might even get the boot if my GPA is really low. Added to that I have NO idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I took intro to computer science and then I figured I could try the next level course just to see if that worked out. Yea right. I suck at thinking logically and I just couldn't do it. So I dropped the class.. And now I am back at sqaure one. Now video editing is soemthing I enjoy alot even though I just started, but I doubt I would get anywhere with it. Well maybe I would, but I am not really a optimistic person. I happen to have a negeative outlook on life which isnt good for my health, and I am a rebel by nature, which isnt good for my health either. Anytime I am told I HAVE to do soemthing because it is the way the world works, then I HAVE to try and do things my own way just because I don't want to be ruled by what society says I have to do. So my parents tell me, " You have to go to college", and I say "no I don't. I can survive some other way." Even thought about running away and becoming a nomad or something. Cuz I dont want my life to be like everyone else's life. I dont want to grow up and work in a job I hate until I am old and gray and then I won't be able to really enjoy. Well maybe I will but you get what I am saying. And when I tell my parents that it only further fuels their argument of why I should continue my education. But even if I did, it wouldn't guarantee that I would have a happy life. Because I know plenty of people who went to college and aren't exactly happy with their lives. Like my dad. But I think Ive gone on long enough about my personal life. God I sound like a rebellious 14 year old.
Tomorrow on the DAYS OUR LIVES: why I wish never to get married. - 2002-04-16 15:08:28 DD, you are so right about the addiction thing. It's crazy. My brother thinks I have been possessed by Premiere. One day my mom came in to talk to my brother while he was in my room playing FFX and I started screaming cuz premiere crashed on me and she thought I was yelling at her. Then the other night I was incredibly happy and jumping and skipping around in the kitchen while getting a snack . Basically I was happy cuz I finally got the ending done to a video I am working on but of course she didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. Obviously the next morning when I looked at the ending I figured it wasn't right, and I redid the whole damn thing. While in history when I am suppsoed to be taking notes I sit there and write down all the ideas buzzing around in my head. Sometimes I spend a whole day on Premiere and decide I had enough for one day then I go to bed. yea right. 20 minutes later I am back on my computer, editing away like a mad scientist (well editor in this case). Thats not even all of it. But needless to say, I love it all.
JOURNAL: StarKissdMoon
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