- Anger, Fury, Wrath, and Hatred 2002-03-31 19:19:53 I have lately not been myself. I felt like people have stepped on me all too often and I have become angry with certain people. Though, I do not want to be angry. This isn't me. I usually don't get angry. Anger is a plague, the root of what is histories most costly disease. Anger becomes fury. Fury becomes wrath. Wrath becomes hatred. Hate kills. Hate starts small with simply the words, "I hate that person", but then grows and grows until it consumes the inner soul of a person. It changes them into something they do not want to be. It is a demon. It is a demon that has killed and taken the lives of more people than any disease, or even all diseases put together. Not only does hate hurt the person who does hate, but indirectly hurts the person the hater focuses his/her hate on. I'm bearing this anger that I do not want. I hope that soon it will pass, for I do not want it to grow.
- When Life Turns Back and Laughs at You 2002-03-28 07:10:12 Lately this is how I have felt. Life has been laughing at me. I don't know if it is simply because I feel that people have all been laughing at me, or if it is because many of the things that I have worked so hard for have faded in vain. I feel angry and frustrated, and even a certain hate for individuals is starting to flare up. I don't want to hate. I don't want to be angry or frustrated. I am trying to quell those feelings, for such demons should not be urged on, although they are urged on through out the lives of people just too often. I would like to stay peaceable, although now it feels more difficult.
- Who am I? 2002-03-27 06:54:12 Lately, I have been pondering the position of my own character. Since every time my parents have always found something wrong with me, or something they believe I need to change, I have been pondering my character. I asked myself, "am I evil?". I do not do drugs, commit crimes, or harass people. I am not greedy, snobbish, or feel any form of superiority to others. Then I still ask, "am I evil?". Whenever I bring up issues to my parents about their own mannerisms they scorn my meaning as disrespect. They believe no child like me could bear any fruitful information, for they are older. Yet, I can still learn from the smallest of children, and there are many lessons that even the younger can teach me. So why can I not show my parents their own faults? I too have faults in character. I am told that I am frigid and often show little emotion. This, however, does not mean I do not care, although many people may mistaken my mannerism. Then, whenever my parents talk to me, I always leave with the feeling that I deserve death. So I am still asking, am I evil? If my friends are reading this and they tell me, "surely you are not evil". I hope they will forgive me, for I still question my position. Along with that question with a seemingly foolish answer, I am trying to find myself. Who am I? That is a question that comes across every person in the path of their life, however, I feel that maybe I have prematurely been seeking the answer to this question ever since naive youth. I am still seeking for that answer, yet is it possible that even now it is too early to ask? So many questions that are unanswered, and not even close to finding a solution. Life seems so complicated.
- Good-bye to a Friend 2002-03-24 19:21:45 Last friday, I had to say goodbye to a friend in church. It really isn't good bye, because I know that surely in the future we will cross paths some time. Though, I will probably rarely see him now, and that is just a strain on the friendship. He is sort of like a role model for me, a big brother. We were friends for a long time. We are not really good friends, but then I always find saying good bye difficult anyways. He was a friend I just always expected to be there. I did not expect to say good bye so soon. I said that this wasn't good bye; by good bye, I meant that it is good bye to a good friend. In one manner, now our friendship might just fade. So many friends that I have lost in the past that disappeared through fading in time. I guess I do feel a little sad, but then I feel use to losing so many friends.
- The Language in Music 2002-03-20 15:28:32 For some time, I have listened to foreign music from China, Japan, and other asian countries. I do understand Chinese, however, I do not understand Japanese, or Korean, or anything of that sort. My friend asked me, "so why do you listen to music that you do not understand?" I found it curious, for many people I have talked to have told me it is simply stupid to listen to music that you do not understand the words to it. I told them that to an extent I do understand, and I do not listen to the music in order to appreciate it for its words. I listen to music to appreciate music. I have found that some foreign singers have the ability to convey their feelings without having to convey it through words. I have also found asian languages to have a certain beauty to it. I recently found one some sang by Ayumi Hamasaki and by listening to her song, I can understand to an extent how the musician felt or what the musician was thinking when he composed this song. I also found her voice to be quite beautiful. It has a tinge to it that I do not seem to hear often in many singers who simply convey their message in words, rather than with music. For a true fan of music, they must understand the music itself.
JOURNAL: SuperAzN (Vicious )
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