JOURNAL: SuperAzN (Vicious )

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  • The Piano and the Violin 2002-08-24 01:01:59 I am listening to this song. I won't give a name, because I am sure that every person has had this feeling, but with different music. So, I'll let your imagination make things work.

    Sounds like a dance, or maybe a stroll, a walk. A feeling where you feel at peace with everything and the world that seems so ugly doesn't seem that bad anymore. You feel sad, but you don't know why, but at the same time you are happy about something. It is like you can see the glass is half full and half empty. You see hope, but you have sorrow. Mixed feelings like that. For me, hearing the song paints a mural for me. The same feeling I get when I walk by myself down to a lake, and I can see the cityscape, and the sun beyond the ocean. I feel happy because I can see the two halves of the world. Nature and people together, but then not dancing in complete harmony. Its so beautiful, yet so ugly. It is so amazing what music draws for us. 
  • Waiting 2002-08-01 22:54:13 My parents are trying to force me to do volunteer work. Okay, it sounds terrible that I don't want to do volunteer work, but I have some reason for it. I use to volunteer at a nursing home. At first it wasn't so bad, until people began to die. Every few months, someone you interact with dies. I guess I never got too close to any of the patients, I made a few good friends, but they have passed away already. Some people are just ingrateful, but sometimes I forget that I am not working for gratitude. I feel like I didn't do enough for those people, but then whenever I went in, I felt depressed because of some of the stories I would hear. So from then on, I began to dread going all the time, because I knew it was inevitable that I would eventually have to hear another sad tale about someone. I remember this one Chinese lady there. Nobody talks to her much, and her family dumped her in the nursing home and almost never visit. I am one of the few people there who really speak Chinese pretty fluently. I talked with her for 3 hours, just listening. She kept talking about how she is abandoned, and she is old now, she is just waiting to die. I guess I couldn't stand sitting around waiting for people to die, so I got out. Right now, I don't want to work at some front desk or something where you really don't help people at all. Front desk is more like freeloading hours for college rather than give something back to society. It is a bad reason. Right now, I don't want to be forced into a volunteer job that really isnt giving anything to society. 
  • Me and Myself 2002-07-22 18:30:08 Lately, I haven't been quite sure of myself. Maybe a bit unstable, or insecure, who really knows? God does, but I don't. Anyways, I'm pretty confident nobody else could tell me, because, well, they aren't me. So, I have conflicts with myself some times. I imagine it isn't uncommon. People who have inner conflicts about which road to take, or which choice is the best, that sort of thing. Same situation for me, although I guess it is my whole stance on life; the bigger picture. What is the bigger picture? How the hell should I know? That is what I'm trying to figure out. No matter how big the picture gets for me in life, it always seems like it can be bigger. Once I have things figured out, there is always more questions to ask. So what is the point in running in circles? Mankind doesn't seem to mind doing that for thousands of years. One thing I learned is that it's human nature to chase it's own tail. 
  • Eyes Watching 2002-04-16 15:55:25 I now realize that there are always people watching you from corner to corner. People have only two eyes, so they can only see one portion of the eyes that pierce through the very soul that allows you to live. Some of those eyes spark bright yellow with vile hate and hunger, while others look upon you with awe and kindness. Many, however, look at your flaws, and your mistakes and shun your victories. Everywhere people turn, there are always someone there to criticize them and tell them what is wrong with them. No person can find universal popularity through the eyes of man. How sad is it that people have trouble co-existing with other people because they see blemishes instead of beauty? 
  • Life's Disappointment 2002-04-08 19:46:21 For the longest time, I have felt that I haven't been able to fulfill the expectations of my parents, or even my own expectations that I set for myself. I know that I am not the only person who faces such disappointments, but often times, I feel that way. During late nights, when my mind weights too heavily for me to sleep, I wonder if I am more of a disappointment to my parents or myself. Which is more important though? Myself? Or my parents? Such a question seems to have such a simple answer, but has so much more behind what it seems. My parents have lifted me up, invested so much inside of me. Is it not selfish to not allow my parents' investments florish? People who invest in something that has no point or no outcome are considered to be unlucky. So now the cards are dealt over life's table, and bad cards are held in the player's hands. I often feel that I am that kind of poker hand, or that type of investment. The question, however, still stands. Am I the one holding the cards? Or are my parents? 
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