- Numb revived 2003-07-24 05:26:45 Damn, two new reviews on Numb already... it really pays off to add download links to old videos! Hope I hear more soon, really interested in having more people see the video.
-
Reviews
2003-06-27 05:37:50
Just finished writing another album review on Amazon.com... this time Radiohead's "Hail to the Thief." I think I've done 10... nope, apparently 11 album reviews at Amazon already and my ranking's at... 26627. Wow, funny, that's rather similar to my ICQ UIN 2663... nah I ain't giving that all out. Anyway, wow, how much of a Big Brother thing does ICQ UIN 3278285 sound? REPORTING, SIR!
Yeah, back to the reviews, my album reviews are so formula I should be in the MLA format hall of fame. First paragraph - intro, body paragraphs - song critiques, last paragraph - conclusion. It's horribly repetitive. I don't know why I keep getting emails from people telling me they like my reviews (seriously!!), when they should just do themselves the favor and buy the album. I'm still glad they don't mind me wasting my time so much.
Well, I don't know if you could call writing a review a waste of time. Sometimes there are things you just have to say about something. That's how I feel all the time, I just gotta say something since I usually say nothing at all, and there are plenty of people who can agree with me on that. I do like reading reviews like, "BEST ANBLUM EVAR!!!!111 OMGWTF!!!111" Those are humorous, if not the proof that humans are going backwards in the evolutionary chain.
I've been doing reviews on Amazon since 2000, I think. First one I did was "Kid A"... and boy did I go fanboy on everyone. Not a single reponse. I kinda got my act together when I posted a review on Pink Floyd's "Animals". Got 13 out of 14 helpful points from it, and all I had to say was "The most underrated album in rock."
Probably worst review I ever did for any site (though this one has a slew of bad reviews I've written) was "OK Computer." No no, the worst was "Dark Side of the Moon." I went into great detail to write down every single damn thing that goes on in the album, totally spoiling the surprises and just saying it was a great album... yeah...
Let me do a quick guide right here and now on how to write reviews because I feel like it and I don't think many people do them well at all. Then again, this is just an opinion and I AM a smartass.
Ok, it's good to remember three things before starting off:
1. People generally don't care first thing unless they're interested in seeing what you have to say, which on Amazon does happen quite often. You can easily be skipped, though. I don't read every review posted on something, I'll skip bland ones.
2. You should actually be listening/watching whatever you're reviewing so you're in the same mindset and can carry out the attitude of the product in the review. Can also review the material so you know exactly what to write beforehand.
MOST IMPORTANT #3. You're writing a review, so the reader's opinion is NOT YOURS TO MAKE. It's stupid to just say "I like it" and leave it at that. Even worse, subliminally say you like it by putting "It's great." and that's it. Next thing you know there's some idiot who is unknowingly bullshitting all his friends by telling them something is great when it could suck really, really badly. All you're doing is proving there's a Harry Knowles in all of us. Yes, that's a bad thing.
All right, ready to go? Leave your fanboy at the door, it's time to help some innocent shoppers make the right decisions on where to put their money.
Well... not really much I can say about how to write your review because, really, you can do it any way you want. I already told you what I do, and as you can see, it's terribly repetitive. It does help writing them quicker, though. Guess I'll just post some tips.
Tips to writing good reviews:
1. Dude, no spoilers, alright? Worse enough you're not letting the reader find out for himself how the movie is, but you're gonna tell him the ending? Don't be an idiot!
2. Keep it concise. Say your piece and shutup. Many times you'll write something and then say it again in the next sentence but with different words. This is a really stupid thing to do because you've learned how to avoid this many times in English class with grouping sentences together.
3. Your audience is dumb. Or at least, make that assumption. Granted there are some really stupid people out there, but you can't assume everyone looking to buy a Radiohead album for a friend is going to know who Thom Yorke or Colin Greenwood is. If you're going to namedrop, give the instrument the guy plays.
4. You are allowed to say something sucks, but why does it suck? Obviously you need to give out one opinion your two otherwise you have a boring review, but back everything up with evidnce! Hell, you can take it personally if you want to! I mean, I've said stuff like I think Fast and the Furious is a bad movie but that is only because I am not a fan of pointless, overhyped, badly acted, badly casted and unrealistic mindless dumbfuck flicks. Ok I got a little carried away there (though that movie does suck, and so does Star Wars: Episode II. Stupid fanboys...) but you get the idea.
5. If you're going to be a dickhead, then write smartly so no one will catch that you're insulting their intelligence. Like so, "The incongruity that persists to plague this composition stops it from achieving the praise it may very well be asking for." See? Biiig words, very intimidating.
6. If it's an album review, don't write a review for EVERY song... unless it's the rare case of each song being so entirely different from the next (that is possible). I've made this mistake many times, and it's just a headache for someone to read all that. Kinda referencing tip #2 here. If two songs sound the same or are similar in one way or another, group em. Say something about the one song, then say "works for this song, too" and end it. Gives you less to write.
7. Be aware there are character limits... and not for your sake. Site owners do actually care about the eyesight of their visitors and limit words so their eyes don't fall out from too much reading on screen. That does actually damage you, you know. Excessively reading from your monitor impairs eyesight, kills a ton of braincells and proves you have no social life. Then again, you knew that anyway, you're writing a review for a damn website for no pay. You're a friggin moron.
8. DO YOUR RESEARCH. Last thing you want to do is say, "You know that song by The Who? "Lick My Nut, Open the Door?" First off all, idiot, that's "Let My Love Open the Door" and it's Pete-fuckin-guitar-god-Townshend by himself, not with The Who. Remember how I said to assume the audience doesn't know anything? Yeah well neither do you. Prove to people you're not as dumb as you look.
9. Referencing stuff is a great thing to do. The more people you relate with, the more people who actually believe the crap you're feeding them. Popular things to reference: George Orwell's "1984", The Beatles' "I am the Walrus", and Coppolla's "The Godfather".
10. Join a cult that's already been disbanded due to them all commiting suicide and say you were sick the day they planned that brilliant idea. Gets you chicks. Chicks love suicide.
Ok #10's an all out lie but I had to make sure you were paying attention... and I needed a #10. Who's ever seen a list that ended in 9? Creepy.
Alright I've written too much now so I'll stop, but you go waste time better spent masturbating by writing reviews and go read mine if you're ever at Amazon and feel like reading the same formulatic bullshit over and over and over... - Banners 2003-06-18 02:56:06 I haven't voted positive on a banner in... a while. Not to say that I made better, mine sucked. But still, eh.... Coupling's funny.
- Turning Japanese 2003-06-17 19:46:47 OINGO BOINGO? Oh that's rich.
-
Something worth noting
2003-06-13 14:15:39
I hate Mahoromatic. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate...
...
Heh, boobs.
JOURNAL: gambitt (Jeff Heller)
Current server time: Sep 07, 2025 16:38:58