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2003-02-27 20:24:49
I finished my drawing for the hand-drawn section of the General Off-Topic graphics contest. I really like it myself. I posted it on my Anime Artists Domain account if you want to see it (Aria 2) before the contest actually begins, but I would ask that you not if you plan on voting in the contest, just for fairness sake (granted, in all fairness, I probably shouldn't post it anywhere else first. Meh.)
Go to www.aadomain.net, and search under artists for Davarius, then look at Aria 2 if you want to see it. If not, then wait for the contest to begin. -
2003-02-25 16:17:39
I didn't get nominated for a damn thing... ::sniff::
Oh, well. There's always next year!! ::overly macho super-hero pose::
On to other things...
I was watching ep 2 of Eva on Toonami today. Laughing at each edit, each violent or sexually suggestive scene removed, realising how it takes away from the over-all effect opf the show. If they were to show the whole series that way, you would not get the sheer horror of Eva-01's brutality, or get how sexually outgoing Misato is, and how she uses that to compensate for the void in her own life (plus, I doubt Toonami would allow the scar on her chest to be shown). I thought the digital bikini was just funny, and how they took out a few of Misato's more suggestive lines ("Feel free to take advantage of anything here. Except for me, that is."), as well as the servicey shot.
God... the last scene, with the battle against Sachiel... I hated that scene all cut up. It wasn't anywhere near as good. I popped in my Eva vol. 1 and watched the scene uncut immediately afterwards.
As a result of that, I noticed that the coloring in the televised Toonami version was watered down. The DVD's have better color and sound quality (everything was louder and crisper aurally). Those re-mastered DVDs being prepared for sale in Japan must look frikken awesome... I only hope they release a domestic version of those re-mastered DVDs. That wouyld be awesome.
Whether I could afford it or not is another story... ::still has not gotten the rest of NieA_7, and is trying and pretty much failing to save up for Fushigi Yugi
::. -
2003-02-23 10:19:09
I found a little AVS trick that will help me save time and I thought I'd share. The reason this isn't on the forums is because it will only save about 1/2 of a second, but I still wanna share because every new trick I discover for myself makes me feel proud and happy.
Meh.
Essentially, I've always been opening op avs scripts by making .txt's, writing the script, and then changing the file extension. Which got annoying after awhile. Eventually, I realiozed what I could do to make it easier. I went into the file properties and told the computer to open avs' with notepad, so I don't have to fuck with the file extensionms now.
This has little difference compared with what I just realized the guides say, about right-clicking an avs and opening it with Notepad, but I feel clever because now I just click it, I don't have to right-click and choose notepad.
Meh. I'm saving maybe .75 seconds at the most. -_-
You may return to your normal daily grind now. -
2003-02-22 20:21:52
I feel I should warn people that the journal entry below this one is very personal, but per the final comments, I will not make it private, so please take it with a grain of salt.
Now, I have a few things...
(1) Progress on my Oh My Goddess video is going slowly but nicely. I like it so far. I also found a new avatar for the forums while searching for clips.
Morisato Megumi-chan is very cute... ::swoons::
(2) An interesting event happened to me today. I would simply tell you about it, but instead, the event inspired within me a free-verse poem that I shall share here. (I've always been attracted to free-verse rather than traditional ABAB-style poetry with a set rhyme pattern. Free verse is more like a lyrical story, and I love it. Plus, I hate restrictions.)
Happy Little Pseudo-Scorpion
At work one day, I found a bunch of twist-ties.
The kind you would find on a loaf of bread.
I was bored, so I made them into a scorpion.
I started with the legs, then the claws and head.
The body and tail soon followed.
At the end, it was dis-proportioned, rather comical in it's sadness.
A customer approached.
She said, "Did you make that?"
I said, "Uh-huh".
"You must be bored."
"A little bit, yeah".
Her friend said, "Can I keep it?"
I said, "Sure."
I gave it to her, and they walked away.
I like to think that she didn't throw it away;
That she kept it, and has it even now.
And that right about now, my creation is no longer sad,
But is instead a happy little pseudo-scorpion.
Granted, this may not be the best example of free-verse, but bleah. -
2003-02-15 02:22:38
It kind of frightens me how, now that I'm 21, I sometimes have the urge to just go out, buy some bacardi, and just get lightheaded. Some would say that I'm worrying too much, but I wonder... studies show that alcoholism may have a genetic root. Neither of my parents are big alcohol drinkers, but I wonder if maybe I got some kind of recessive gene that gives me alcoholism urges...
Ever since I first tried some vodka and rum and stuff last year, I've had the quiet urge to get more. I've ignored it because I was underage and couldn't get it, but now I can... it kind of scares me how sometimes, when I feel melancholy or just simply bleah, what pops in my head is "I want a beer".
I don't even like beer... although margaritas and rum and coke are pretty good. Bacardi's are ok, but they pack a helluva punch.
Bleah.
I dunno, I've been feeling somewhat melancholy lately. I keep thinking of Angel. I don't know why, although I have my suspicions. I don't want to get back together with her. Being out of the relationship has given me the ability to look at it far more lucidly than when I was in it. She has dependancy issues, and needs someone to be there at all times. She's clingy and somewhat suffocating. The fact that I don't like rap music bothered the hell out of her, becauase it meant we had something different between us. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells with her. She's needy and high-maitenance, and I can't deal with that. I can't give her the level of attention she needs/wants. She wants someone, anyone, to be there when she needs them. I remember how, over christmas break, she got upset with me when I wouldn't drive 250 miles and spend all of Christmas break with her. She would get upset and make me feel bad when I wasn't there to comfort her, even though I was 250 miles away. And when I told her that I couldn't afford to come up for New Years a day early, she got angry and said she was tired of me being so cheap. She made me feel so bad that I went up anyway. If my parents hadn't helped me out, I would have made myself broke. If I was still with her, I'd probably be almost broke right now, because she loves going places and doing things, and she hates it when I say that I can't afford to go. She called me cheap because I like to keep an eye on how I spend my money as much as possible.
Writing all of this is making me kind of angry, to be honest. What right does she have to call me cheap, just because I don't live as extravagantly as her? Maybe I didn't buy her things as often as she did for me, but maybe that's because I can't safely AFFORD to buy stuff all of the time. All of those trips to Chicago, just to make her happy (one was when we weren't even dating. I fucking bailed her out at the last minute when Cassie canceled on her!!) hit my checking account pretty hard. Sure we split the room cost, but I still had to shell out money for it. It still cost me, and shit adds up, especially when you make more than one trip. She made a big deal about how she spent herself practically broke getting me the watch for Christmas. (which she asked back after we broke up). Maybe I don't WANT to go fucking broke! Maybe I LIKE not feeling like I have to constantly be spending money to make you happy, you self-centered clingy bitch!! Maybe I don't WANT to fucking move into an apartment over summer just so you can have someone around 24/7. You need someone around you all the time, or you feel miserable? Your life is gonna suck then, because you can't always depend on people to be there for you. If you can't rely on yourself, you're fucked up the ass with a saguaro cactus. Period.
If you're miserable whenever you're by yourself, then you need to learn how to fucking DEAL with it!! I wasn't always there, NO ONE is going to always fucking be there!! What you want is fucking IMPOSSIBLE, you head case!!
::sighs:: Sometimes, you need to vent, I guess. Most of this, I couldn't say to her face, anyway. (1), because it's just not how I am, (2) because she's been in and out of therapy for her problems, she doesn't fucking listen to her councelor, and (3) because she's made it a point to pretend I don't exist for the past two weeks, which is just fucking fine by me. I keep thinking about her, but I'll be DAMNED if I want to get back with her. Examining it from afar, I can see how she was pretty much going to lead me to a total mental breakdown in a few years. She needs a lot of attention and time that I am simply unable to give. She wants to go back to being with a different guy every other week (she was already seeing someone else two days after we broke up, and a different guy the week after that when he turned out to ber an ass), fuck it. It's not my problem to deal with, and if she wants to just ignore me, then fuck her. Maybe she feels bad about not having me around, because I'm one of the few guys who didn't treat her like shit (unless you count the times I tried and failed to push her away for her own good). Well, fuck it. I don't want a part of it anymore. I was willing to be her friend, even though I knew it would only end up badly, just like before. But she wants to completely ignore me, that's just peachy. I simply cannot drag up the will to give a flying fuck anymore. She wants to shut me out and ruin her own life, it is simply not my problem. Frankly, being around her makes me uncomfortable, because I still want her on some level. Physically, emotionally, I have no clue. Probably physically, because emotionally, I think I'm just simply tired of it all. Fuck it all.
I've decided that I don't care anymore whether or not I ever end up with someone (have I already said this?). I don't need these problems, and I especially don't need the pressure to buy things. I don't know what it is, but lately all I seem to hear is that women want guys to get them things, and if a guy can't buy them things, they don't want anything to do with him. Maybe one day I'll meet a girl who isn't like that, who doesn't expect guys to spend a shitload of money on her (because I know I don't expect people to spend a shitload of money on me, hell, give me a couple anime DVDs for Christmas, if anything at all, and I'll be happy), someone low-key and easy to live with, who isn't too demanding, of time and self as much as money. I don't want some consumer-whore, pop-culture-child, MTV-addict person to be my mate. That's not me, and that's not what I want. When I once told Angel that I simply don't like most of the music on the radio, she got angry and said "Why do you always have to be different, Dave?"
IT'S CALLED INDIVIDUALITY, DAMMIT!! IT'S WHAT MAKES US WHO AND WHAT WE ARE!! IT'S ALSO WHAT I VALUE MOST ABOUT MYSELF, AND WHAT I REFUSE TO SACRIFICE FOR ANYONE!!
Mostly, I don't want someone who wants me to change to fit what they want. I want someone who already wants someone like me from the very beginning.
But, right now, I honestly don't care whether or not I ever find that person. Angel has all but killed my desire to seek out a mate. That desire to be with someone is what blinded me to how bad we were for each other, until it was so obvious I couldn't help but see it. Right now, I can't help but think that the best way for me to live MY life the way I want to is to simply not fuck with dating or relationships at all. I'm a selfish bastard, and I don't want to change who I am or give up something I love for someone. I understand that this makes me selfish, but I honestly don't care anymore. I'm tired of always giving up my opinion, what I want to do, for the sake of another person or a group of people's happiness. I hate teamwork, because my say is never given any importance. I always end up letting the rest of the group do it their way, and no one ever gives a damn about what I want. Fuck it. I may be selfish for wanting it my way or nothing at all, but I'm tired of being so self-less. If I end up dying alone, without someone to have shared my life with, fuck it. The thought saddens me to no end (I'm crying just at the thought of it right now), but fuck it. I've been with someone who wanted me to change, who wanted me to alter my likes and dislikes to coincide with hers, and I have said FUCK THAT BULLSHIT!!.
I'm very much an individualist. I value my sense of self and individuality more than almost anything else. If I learned nothing else from being in the soul-stripping environment of military basic training, I learned that much. Knowing who I am is important to me, because I am constantly wondering just who and what I am. So it's important to me to have some idea of who I am, what I stand for, so I can have an answer ready. If someone wants me to change that sense of self, then fuck'em. I don't need them. I've been with one who wants me to change. Now, I want one who seeks me for who I am.
But if I never find her, well, too damn bad Dave. Life sucks. Deal with it. Die alone. Live together. Whatever happens, will happen. Just deal with it when it pops up.
Bleah. This has gone on too damn long and become too damn personal. I should probably make this whole spiel private, but I'm going to put it out there anyway. This is my journal, this is me, this is what's in my head. Dave is Dave. No one else. If Dave is a self-centered prick, then Dave is a self-centered prick, dammit. That's who he is; who I am.
I am me.
No one else.
If you feel the need to respond to this, please do so via a PM in the forum or my e-mail. If using e-mail, put something noticeable in the subject line, like "YOU'RE A FUCKING ASS, AND i HOPE YOU BURN IN ETERNAL HELLFIRE!!!!!!ONE". If you respond via a journal entry, the odds are damn good that I'll miss it, because I don't check journals or my member page as often as I do the forums.
I am me.
Watashi Dave.
I am no one else.
JOURNAL: Chaos Angel (Dave Warren)
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