JOURNAL: kyburg (Donna Hutt Stapfer Bell)

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  • Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!!! 2002-03-10 17:31:46 Gawd, what a whacked weekend this has been. And I never left the house.

    turboneko - go to http://www.paradiseweddingshawaii.com and tell them I sent you. Honest. How would you like to get married, with all the trimmmings (in freakin' paradise, no less) for what it costs to buy a dress here in the States? Heck, roll up the wedding with the honeymoon and save a couple of woolongs...think we all wouldn't make the effort to be there?

    Bowler - checked your profile. Sorry man, you live in Illinois...say no more. Wonder Boy lived a whole lot of his life in Washburn, Pekin and Peoria (he opened for Sam Kennison in Peoria once...) and I visited the place in 2000 - and I thought Coeur D'Alene was depressing....

    Something EK said not too long ago got me thinking...and your M7 story is the corker. *sighs softly* You got a shot, dude. Better to have had a "couldhavebeen" than a "neverwas." I'll say it myself so nobody can whack me with it - I'm a never was...let alone a has been.

    And I can put my finger on when, too...mores the pity. I Met someone my last semester in school...moved in, lived with him for a year and a half before marrying him...and two months before the wedding, he nearly went totally blind...in the end, he lost the sight in one eye and a lot in the other. Cliff was diabetic...and my mother just about disowned me when I told her I was marrying him in spite of the issues. We'd been engaged for about a year...like I wouldn't know the ins and outs of the whole thing, right?

    But I remember sitting in the waiting room at Jules Stein Eye Institute (it's attached to UCLA) during the second surgery to try and save that one eye thinking furiously what the hell I was going to do - even considering going back to school for some kind of professional degree (be a pharmacist or a social worker or a lawyer or -- *

    I had gone to film school...that with no resume or portfolio, and a fiver will get you a latte at Starbucks. Almost immediately, the focus shifted. I had worked for an advertising agency as a production assistant. They didn't like all the time Cliff was taking, and frankly, advertising agencies SUUUUCK. I went for the paycheck job. I could type - oh hell, that has always kept me fed - I can type, watch me type. I've been clocked at 90 wpm. And any fool can answer a phone, file memos...so I became the secretary, the admin assistant...and as time passed and the demands grew, I worked with computers in IT departments as their admin support...and learned EDI.

    And I put my little dreams in a very deep, dark place. What Cliff dealt with every day was worse...and if I wrote, I was afraid of what would come out. I married in 1985...fast forward to 1992. People don't like to hire diabetics, BTW...we had left the country to work for Cliff's uncle in Switzerland during the last Bush administration. I got to work for a telecommunication test equipment firm testing and repairing circuit boards (that's what my college degree got me) and checking their English documentation for errors. See, I can write, too. I almost made as much as marginally brilliant systems engineer husband (Cliff was programming for Voyager in fortran at JPL when he was 14...he was such a smart kid...).

    Then we came home...with the hope that I wouldn't have to go back to being a secretary...now I spoke German, could trace faults...and a wonderful opportunity had crossed my path with the production office at Universal for Quantum Leap. Maybe...that door had just the tiniest crack in it. Maybe....

    Then Don wrote that horrid Lee Harvey Oswald episode...but that was only the tip of the iceberg...all the writers I knew left, and the show closed in 1993. But I had given myself permission to try writing as a profession again.

    Then Cliff got hurt at work, and his whole status went south. There wasn't a peaceful moment again until he passed away in 1998. Write for a living? Give me a break...if I worried about what would come out before, I was working overtime to never, ever, use that experience to create art.

    And we needed bucks. Cold, hard cash. I even started driving airport shuttle again.

    I had two professional artist uncles. Their widows adore me - one sent me a journal and told me to "write it all out."

    *shiver*

    Oh dear...no fucking way.

    One uncle died when I was a little more than two, but his watercolors hang in my home. The other died when I was nineteen, and I miss him sorely. I wonder what he would have told me to do, had he lived as long as his sister. Gep was the one who rode the rails from Harlan, IA to Hollywood in the 30's. He'd have known.

    Cliff...had a family of origin that precluded me ever leaving him in their care. You know that woman in Texas who drowned her children? With the husband who just went to work every day and left her alone with them psychotic as hell? Cliff had a sister, and he was a bright little penny. I think that's how they survived...that, and their mother went nuts after he became diabetic at age 5. Dad was gone. Dad might have been the top guy in his field at JPL, but Dad worked and travelled 80% of the time and I didn't trust him or the rest of Cliff's family to look out for him.

    Fall in love...and choose. And I did. How can I be bitter about something I never even tried my hand at? The closest I got were the two advertising agency gigs, and the writer's secretary at Cannell -- I actually looked up my old bosses back in 1993...one remembered me and was wanted to talk to me...and then Cliff got hurt. And I spent more time in hospitals than anyone ought to, entering their 30's. I'm a nurse's daughter, dad was a pharmacist...saying I spent a lot of time in hospitals says a lot.

    My sister says I was a hero. I never let anyone take advantage of him...and I did everything I could think of to help him. If that's being a hero...*shrug* I don't feel heroic. It was sad...just fucking sad.

    I feel like Rip Van Winkle in a lot of ways. I look around at the tools and I don't know how to use any of them. Graphics don't pay the bills unless you're an artist...there's that word again, Bowler.

    But just when I'm about to open a huuge bottle of sake and jump in, I find a Good Housekeeping magazine from 1980. Christmas, no less. Decorating tips all look like Martha Stewart...but she's nowhere to be found. *snaps fingers* Oh yeah, she ain't famous yet.

    And then I think. Proof positive...you can be as successful as you imagine...have everything you ever wanted...doing what you love...and still be a miserable bitch.

    I met Jim a little over a year after Cliff died. I'm writing again. And with any kind of luck, I'll get that machine together and start making little films again (they'll be AMVs, but I'm getting ambitious). I have so much to learn.

    So much to do. So. Much. To. Do. 
  • 400 hits... 2002-03-07 11:59:00 Oh mi God 0_0

    Arigato minna!

    sumisen shimas...

    Phade...the site is lickety swift now - thanks! 
  • *what a day for a daydream* 2002-03-07 11:57:44 amizadai - we have this security manager when I work - something of a new position, but my boss wanted out of the door business. So he created the position and hired someone. His name is Warren...he's about 6'4 - army reserve, *very* broad across the beam. Boss used to call him Sarge.

    And he calls me Mom. *sheesh* So the two of us are the only First Aid card carriers in the company. So I made sure he had a place to call home when he first got here- he got the cubie next to mine by default, what else could I do? Shit, Los Angeles was a culture shock for me after living in Hemet all my life. I can well imagine how the poor guy felt.

    I'd rather be sempai...but oh, well.

    StudioKZ - Mike, are you serious? You'd go to Disneyland? *bounce bounce bounce* I'll go - I'm serious - can I be tour guide?

    EK - there is only one truly guilty jones to have, music-wise - when the world loves Linkin Park, I gotta love Barry Manilow. And if I don't get the stupid "Mayflower" album out of the CD player, it'll be terminal. "Ultimate Manilow" isn't, BTW. You have to slog through a lotta crap when you like this guy, but there's stuff worth looking for. You won't hear any cuts from the "Mayflower" album anywhere, I'm damn near certain - but I recommend it.

    And the guys are cooking for us today at work - Indian vegetarian chow. And is it ever good!! *checks watch* Less than an hour to go....

    I swear, these are the days I wish I could bank. I worked really hard for my picture window - when the boss told us we were moving a year ago, I put my bid in early for this cubicle next to the fire door. I have a view one could have waited decades for, and after thinking of the jobs I endured the last 20 years, I did. The window is about 6' tall, and 12 - 15' long. Since I'm on the ground floor, the view isn't the jaw dropper it would be, say, from the 3rd floor (not a good idea to walk into the Director of Sales office, develop a glazed look to your face and go "wow"...lady just glanced over her shoulder, shrugged and said, 'Nice, isn't it?" JFC...proof positive that when life's a banquet, some slobs are stupid enough to go on Jenny Craig...), but the view isn't shabby - particularly today. The skies are perfect blue...only a few poofy white clouds on the horizon. And I can see the ocean from here...even bluer, so blue it hurts.

    I look at the parking lot...and the gardens. Palm trees, indian hawthorne bushes, etc.

    And birds. Lots of birds. We get crows and hummingbirds, but the majority today are sparrows. It looks like we've just finished another reproductive cycle with these little buggers, and if God thinks I ought to be a sparrow in my next life, I won't complain too much. ^^

    It's got to rock to be 10cm of raw, fluttering chirpery. Right now, it's so fun to watch the little feather balls because the fledgings have left the nests and want to take on the big boys...and they're totally clueless. Some of them still have a little baby fluff still peeking out under their permanent feathers...all puffed up trying to chirp louder and get into the faces of all the other birds...Siva puts food out for them daily (he's also cooking for us today, and he's *good* - see his website at http://www.sivaveera.com - the fish curry is particularly good!) so not only did these babies get a lot of food growing up, their parents got FAT too.

    They come right up to the window. Some of the stupider ones see themselves and get all pissed off. But then, some will stay there for many minutes at a time and I can watch them and look at how beautiful the many colors of brown their feathers are...the social postures and gestures...their little bottoms are white...*sigh*

    I like birds...and we've got a squirrel out there too, no kidding. Beach bum squirrel.

    Perks rock.

    Jacon is now being seriously considered...if I can roll a trip into EPCOT into it, it might be epic! 
  • Jingle Bells/jingle bells/jingle all the way/ 2002-03-06 18:01:15 EK - is trying to bust my chops. Well, she did. I admit it freely - never heard of them...then caved, googled and decided that I ought to.

    I'm so lame. ~_~

    That, and the Linux machine *has* perfectly good sound card in it - but nothing knows it's there.

    And the email client only shows so many messages - heaven knows where they go when the window gets full. And get this - only the oldest ones. The new ones I think went bye-bye.

    And Earthlink sent me a small book of emails on how to setup up freakin' everything - and do you think I can have a moment to think clearly on *what* the hell I'm going to post there? No chance I'm just going to move what's out on Geoshite - it's ugly, it's clutter personified...no way.

    Going to start out right. Yeah. Right. When?

    *brain fart*

    *grump* Sucks being an adult. 
  • Geoshitties 2002-03-05 18:16:59 Well, it WAS too good to be true. The littlest user, me, is going to have to pay to use Geocities.

    With all the popus and bullshit.

    Nope. Time to leave, say I. Called Earthlink...have the domain already registered, now just have to tell Jim to whip up a nice looking framework and load three sites into one.

    Coming soon: Half-Baked Productions.

    It really has begun...crap. 
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