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your fantasies are beautiful. but unlikely.
2002-01-08 14:13:49
i wonder how many people remember banana yoshimoto's novel 'kitchen'. i used to think it was sappy. i will probably think it is sappy tommorow. for now im more than fine with it. i liked the part where the two of them ended up sharing the same dream. that was just beautiful.
of course some terrible hongkong movie based on the novel had to come along and spoil it all.. -
doesnt matter anyway this way that way..
2002-01-08 13:56:09
"'What is that noise?'
The wind under the door.
'What is that noise now? What is the wind doing?'
Nothing again nothing.
'Do
'You know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remember
'Nothing?'
I remember
Those pearls that were his eyes.
'Are you alive, or not? Is there nothing in your head?'"
"'What shall I do now? What shall I do?'
'I shall rush out as I am, walk the street
'With my hair down, so. What shall we do to-morrow?
'What shall we ever do?"
- Eliot, The Wasteland
Such brilliant words. They havent been able to leave me alone for years.
I wish , i wish i could get up and DO SOMETHING. things would be more endurable if i could just find ONE person i could get along with. A friend who was my friend only because she wanted to convert me into a christian put it to me none too subtley that if just dont want to spend time with people theres no way of building solidness in your ties at all. i dont know. i sniggered like anything. in my head of course. shes right. but its just the gut feeling. i know i wont get along with any of them. so many times its them vs me. its prob just me. im prob driving myself up the wall plodding myself. but its just so hard not to. we are just speaking at diff frequencies. it makes me want to tear my hair out. when i talk to someone new in an attempt to get to know that person on an offchance it might be great, i cant get rid of the feeling that im only trying to find a chance to make use of someone. im so used to people calling me up JUST to borrow or find out something. it bothers me to hell. of course psuedo-casual conversations of such type dont last. They go bust. Amazingly fast.
That thinking of mine wont get me anywhere except in my head. just imagine a head inside a head. thats super high security dont you think? no hope for escape. no ROOM even for escape. Its infuriating going through everything thinking "it wont matter whether this or that or that or that. its futile.". thats the one thought that can calm me down if im angry about something but thats the one thought that riles me. and when i try to corcumvent it im like, who am i trying to kid? i just went through people i knew today NOT saying a single thing.
i used to pretend i had throat problems so i had a reason not to speak, i might just do it all over again. what do i say.. its the wrong time for everything. Right. i want to make friends. i might only THINK they were. Right. so what if they arent? might make things a little more comfortable. i know theyre fakes. i want to get interested in something all over again. i can only pretend for so long. i would love to, but i cant. i wish i ould. but i cant.
im so tired of people people-ing me. people walking past, asking me whats wrong, and then walking stright out w/o waiting for an answer. if i wanted to pretend i care id carry the act through. i wouldnt leave it sour like that.
only i dont have enough energy. - i cant go on.. ill go on.. 2002-01-08 11:59:10 the worst kind of excuse that one can give for being depressed. none at all.
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short story
2002-01-07 11:50:17
Chapter 2
Today, people have come up to me and shook my hand. They took my hand eagerly in theirs and said, well, it was a pleasure it was to meet me. It was a pleasure to see them too, I said. But I don’t recognize any of you, I said. They looked at me intently for a moment, hoping to catch a straying pupil or eyelids half-covered, a sign of a thought gone wry. Finally, they said something. Well, that’s the point, they said. That’s the point, they said. I would have stopped them to ask, what? But they haven’t even been here yet. So I kept quiet.
These people ask nothing of me. They are very nice. They nod pleasantly and kept their mouths slightly curved and ready to smile. Best of all, they don’t leave anything behind. It is a wonder I even remember them. Remember, I did not make them up. Remember, I do not make them up. A note for myself to remember: don’t make them up. But they are all people anyway. Though a slight difference.
I knew one of them before. One of them had come up to me and asked if I thought he was a giant. No, I said, I did not think he was a giant. That was what I think, he said. Yes, that is what I thought, I said. I still do think, I said. I think I said that. And what do you think, I said. He said, he thought he was one. I laughed. He was upset. At last, I thought. I thought it was rather impossible to make him do anything but smile. Still, it did seem as if he was still smiling.
When he came up to me next he had grown taller. I did not remember his height before but he was far away from me then. This time he was close. I could see him close-up. I saw him tall. Well, taller at least. It didn’t mean a lot to me. It might have meant something, anything at all to him if I’d mentioned it. But I hadn’t and I wasn’t going to. I did after all. He didn’t look too happy. I don’t mean you’re a giant, I said. I mean you’re more of a giant now. He wasn’t convinced. He smiled perfectly but he wasn’t convinced.
I walked away. He became smaller and smaller. Finally I couldn’t see him. I shouted, well, you’re a fake, just like the rest of them. I didn’t mean anything to him. It cant have since he was a fake.
He didn’t leave me alone though. Well, actually I was the one. It must have been me. I wasn’t thinking of him. If you don’t think of people you start to see them.
Anyway, he said, it was all right. He was something else altogether, he said. I said I would agree as long as he won’t tell me what it was. He said, no no, he has to. He has to, I repeated. He has to. You don’t have to, I said, it doesn’t matter at all. Oh yes it does, he said. He had already said so many things to me before and none of them made sense except for what I’d told you just now. It was pointless. But I said what I said and he said what he said and he said some more and before I could say more he had already told me. These were lies he believed, I said then. I believed other lies, he said. Aren’t we through then, I said. We might, he said. It may well be either, I said. It might as well not be one too, he said. Either us may have happened to believe in the truth, he said more after a pause. That is if we were lucky, I said.
So he left me alone anyway. Like I said it led to nowhere. I cried for hours. Well, I didn’t really. I simply sat for hours and looked for stretches without blinking once. I did not see such things as others like to call the eternity of time and all that. In fact it infuriates me that I could only see what I saw. If not this, then what? If I had to be alone, I might as well have come up with some great insight, some great idea. Instead, I had to only be alone. The philosophers thrived on isolation. I may well rot in isolation.
Next time we met we did not believe anything at all. That was a long time back. But this afternoon I shook hands with some of them again.
- thought of the day: not much 2002-01-07 08:09:55 Let’s say, we set out to create A. We think we think it is B. We try to make C. What do we end up with? D.
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