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Let it all fade away... 1/20/05 #11
2005-05-15 01:39:56
I did it. I've managed to finish my life. i'm gone. mentally. all i need now is just to let myself fade away. it's over. and i was right. when it all ended, i was left alone, mentally screaming in pain and sorrow. my heart hurts so badly. why can't it stop? i've ended it, so why does the suffering continue and the dark, sickness still linger?
It's because i'm guilty. i have wronged everything and everyone i ever loved or cared about.
I wish i could take it all back, so badly. if none o fthem had never of known me, it wouldn't of hurt them. i'd give up forever and my life and soul just to take it all back. to take back the pain i gave to them, her, and myself...
i was always the person to help others with their problems and i absorbed their pain, secretly, for them. To make their hurt stop. i thought i could take it and bear their burdens, and i could... for awhile...
now i need the help. i need somebody to make the hurting stop, but my burden is too great to bear... i'm trapped with it... alone... with the guilt... the pain...
~End~ -
I'm slipping... 12/31/04 #10
2005-05-15 01:39:27
Again, i stopped writing in my journal but this entry is a defiance on giving up on this journal. The world needs what i have, but screw the world. what i'm mainly doing is just trying to hold onto the shattered pieces of my sanity, that seem to be slipping through my fingers while slicing wounds into them as well...
It's new years and i'm spending it absolutely alone. i've made several feble attempts to call people but their probably partying their head's off.
the faint sounds of fireworks are echoing through my window. a miniature star and cloud appear after each explosion from a firecracker. it's annoying...
well, as i said earlier, i attempted to call people in hopes of wishing them a happy new year but when i scrolled down, on my caller ID, to the 4th number, my heart faultered for a moment as i read who it was from...
It was her's...
We had talked on the phone, once. but i couldn't bring myself to call her and simply say, "Hi, it's me. happy new year...", i couldn't do it though. i'm ashamed. my shame is greather than my love. she's a beautiful angel and what am i? i'm a worthless cretin... i hate myself... i need to die but the gods won't allow it... why? who really needs me? i'm just a burden... even to the one whom i love more dearly than life itself...
~End~ -
It's been awhile... 12/25/04 #9
2005-05-15 01:38:55
I stopped writing in my journal since christmas vacation started. it's been close to about a week since i last made an entry. nothing much has happened since than. the weather is as prredictable as my mood, always changing.
My eyes continue to grow heavier as each moment passes. my brain isn't able to stay focused for long. i should get some sleep but i need to write something... anything...
I'll talk about a word that has little meaning in the world of today. That word is "Honor." The reason i say that it is a forgotten word is because of the generation of today. Idiots are the only things that seem to breed these days. "honor" has many definitions for any one person. My definition of "honor" is proving your worth in this life. that could be by any way...
I fear that the next generation of pathetic human will be our ultimate downfall. lots of things will contribute to that. idiotcy. ignorance. you name it. i hope, for all of humanity, that the world will never turn into one of my nightmares... i hope...
~End~ -
Headaches and Weather... 10/16/04 #8
2005-05-15 01:38:22
My head has been pounding, recently. it's been coming and going for the past several days. it's made me want to vomit but whenever it gets to that point where i feel i can't hold on much longer, it just vanishes. it's begining to act up again but i'll try to keep it at bay as long as i can, so i can continue to write...
~End~
~Never Finished~ -
Somewhere I Belong... #7 12/13/04
2005-05-15 01:37:35
It's nice being a nuetral. A neutral is someone or something who has no absolute side. The Inbetween of dark and light. nobody is truely my enemy nor are they my friend. I'm that person who make's unforeseen ends meet. The person who is between the boy and the girl as they pass notes through me. i'm the reciever and passer of life...
Theres millions of others that are like me. you may not think much of that person but they, secretly, have your back at ever corner. A Shadow. That's what we are. mere shadows that do their worth for you than, suddenly, vanish when you turn to check over you shoulder out of paranoia. Don't worry, we are silently protecting you from the unseen world. we are the people who notice your small-self accomplishments and smile, silently, from a distance. we are the ones who will make the ultimate sacrifices just to keep you safe. we are the ones who will die to save your life without you knowing... We are the ghosts of the Unsung warriors who have died for these causes...
But, Now, you have a chance to mentally thank us for the sacrifices that we will make, have made or choose to make for you... The Question, though, is; "How many of our souls do you think yours is worth?"
~End~
JOURNAL: Gunnerblaster (Matt )
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