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Cuttin' For Sanity... 2/4/05 #16
2005-05-15 02:02:14
The weeks have grown longer... and lonelier. my neck. i've cut a gash into the side of my neck, about a week ago. i've been keeping the wound fresh by ripping and digging into it deeper. it hurts, of course, but it helps me remember about real pain. physical pain instead of the pain that plagues my sad, little heart. but they both hurt and they both make me cry, internally. i can never cry on the outside. instead, i keep it inside where it kills me...
I don't want to admit this but life has defeated me...
It's too much. i'm weak and i can't take it. i can't even kill myself... or can i? i put a 5 inch knife to the cut in my neck and cut deeper into the skin, making it wider. now, it's a gapping gash in my neck. sometimes, the bleeding doesn't stop when i reopen it with my finger...
I'm not insane, i've just been consumed. consumed by love and pain. consumed by darkness and the sick thoughts. consumed by life and reality...
~End~ -
A Long Time Ago... 2/25/05 #15
2005-05-15 01:56:59
A long time ago, i used to be a pure and naive child. i used to live for today and do as i felt. as i grew, as we all grew, my thoughts began to take form. i began to think clearly. the world that was once filled with wonder and awe turned to a dark and cold place. it turned into reality. a word that used to have no meaning to me - Death - became a very real thing. my life was consumed with so much death that i felt so vulnerable. i used to feel that i was on top of the world. Death didn't exist, for me. but it consumed and changed me...
I used to be whole with myself. now, i'm empty and cold.
i used to think darkness was something that happened when you turned off the lights...
Now, it's all that i am. it's all that i will be. the darkness has turned into the substitute of the thing that, once, fufilled me...
I used to think darkness was the abscence of light... i was wrong... it was... is something that is part of us... forever...
~End~ -
They all oppose me... 2/23/05 #14
2005-05-15 01:52:03
Everything is out to stop me. unseen forces, mentally and physically, attack and attempt to block me. it's the powers of the gods and other forces that oppose me, i know it. well, damn them all! I shall be stopped by no one or nothing! i am my own god and devil! Only i can truly stop myself!
It makes me want to rip apart my own skin and howl in rage at the world! this is my life, my love! they will not destroy my dreams or goals or loves! And For all of you whom feel that i've rebelled against your one-and-only god, well fuck you and fuck your god! come on and say something in defiance to me! i god-damned dare you to try and get between me and my future!
~End~ -
Making a come back... 2/21/05 #13
2005-05-15 01:47:24
It's been a good, long part of a month since i last updated this book. i kept blowing it off whenever i thought about writing in it again. i guess i've found a new motivation, worth holding on to...
Life has had it's ups and downs for me for the past several months. i think i've grown stronger, against myself. i've learned to live with my, once haunting, insanity. quiet well, indeed...
I've managed to piece some parts of my shattered life together. but, some pieces, i've chosen to put away and hide it far, far away within my soul. Hopefully, for everybody and myself, i hope it never resurfaces. but, ironically, i highly doubt it'll stay away. we all need all that we have. bad and good. i feel, that indeed, i will need that dark and twisted side of me...
A chinese proverb is, "a fine beginning is a beautiful thing." Do you believe this? i'm not sure if i, myself, fully believe it but... what of a rebirth of a beginning? a new start and beginning...
yes...
I think that is a very beautiful thing...
Yes, indeed... -
Time slips so swiftly... 1/25/05 #12
2005-05-15 01:40:35
I found an answer. Just stop caring. i just stopped caring. I stopped caring about everything. time doesn't seem to care weither as it moves on, ever so swiftly, but it leaves me behind...
everbody is so blind. so ignorant of their own lifes. it enrages me, for some reason. i've been very mad, recently. i'm mad at the world. i'm mad at myself. i'm mad. mentally ill. insane...
why couldn't people just leave me alone? why can't they go off and die somewhere? i hate it. i hate it all. i hate them. i hate them all.
my soul is going to be tormented for the rest of my mortal life. tormented by the hate and anger that consumes it. it wants to Kill everything. i twants to burst from my mortal shell and strike down everything. everyone i ever knew. it wants to rip through their chests and devour their soul. it wants to wrap the innocently blind soul around it's finger and twist it around until it's tainted with hatred and sorrow. it wants more people to hate it and throw all their hatred and anger at it so that it'll feed and become darker, more sinister than it already is. I want to kill you all... and devour each and everyone of your souls...
~End~
JOURNAL: Gunnerblaster (Matt )
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