JOURNAL: Wufei_Majere (Ryan Beatty)

  • The meaning of life pt 1 2004-03-23 03:58:11 Sunlight peaked over the hills and graced the green land with her touch. Dew drops glistened on the leaves, the grass stood a little straighter, as the travelers came into view from the woodland. Shading his eyes, Ryan smiled as he pointed to the hill that held the sun at her peak. They paused for a few greatful moments to appreciate the morning as she warmed their cold fingertips.
    "Here we find the elusive but beloved moment of beauty." Adam said softly, a light breeze causing his cloak to dance at his feet.
    At this, Ryan knelt to the groud and lay his cheek to the earth. Andy raised an eyebrow, but rather than speak he merely shrugged. 'Appreciate in our own ways' he thoght to himself as he sat himself against a tree trunk and brought out his pipe.
    "You know what would make this moment more beautiful?" Matt said, laying his pack on the ground and kneeling beside it to retrieve its contents. Ryan jumped to his feet, his eyes lit like a child given a new toy.
    "Food!" Ryan grinned.

    The fabled meaning of life. Yet another life realizes his need of it.

    I guess I wrote that brief story to make a point. Each day is full of its moments. The moment that makes you smile, that helps you to appreciate so many things, the moment that brings you a little closer to the truth that we seek. These moments are, for me at least, the only way I get through my days. My life isn't bad. I have friends, family, a job, a home to stay in, a bed to sleep on, and air to breathe. Yet in spite of all that has been practically given to me, I still find it hard to continue on day after day. These moments of appreciation, moments of hope, they have become few and far between. It seems as though what keeps me from death is the fear of not having completed my life. What I seek, is a meaning for my existence, a reason for me to be here. I have foud that my life is built around other people. Its not that I don't have things I do for myself, but my time is devoted to being with someone else, or waiting for someone to call and want to hang out etc. As much as I love my friends and family, what I really need right now is a significant other to devote myself to. I had it once, and if I knew where I would be now I would have never given into the fear that made me give it away. In any case, I have somewhat figured out my meaning for live, and I havent. Reality suggests that I need to learn to live for myself. My life is my own yes, but at the same time that is not how I choose to live. I want that other person there, I want to find someone and get married, I want to live life with someone else building memories that I will be able to look back on proudly when we are old. Man this is so thoroughly sentimental... I'm good at being self-conscious =P . But seriously, I know what I want in life, but the forced patience is killing me. I'd like to believe in true love. I really would. Yet time and time again, the movie-esque vision of love is shattered by the reality that love is something you choose. I am having to learn this from the first love of my life. I am working on the stage where I leaern not to love her like that anymore. If I continued desperately trying to get her to love me the way we used to, it would only bring conflict and pain for the both of us. I still have hope that one day it may come back, but that ideal is entirely unlikely. She is engaged to someone else. Sure maybe it wont work between them, but if it does, then I hope she stays happy for the rest of her days. For me, as I have said, its just a learning process of being able to remember fondly, but not wait around for something that will probably never return. Alas, poor Yorik, I knew him well! Writing is a good outlet for me, hence all the crap that I put in these entries. Either way, peace, and don't forget to let the cat out of the toaster after it stops making those horrible noises. 
  • After all... 2004-03-19 01:47:43 And so here I am again, having no creative way of venting all the things that scream to be said in my mind. That put aside here we go...
    I am sick of a lot of things. First and foremost my stomach, for all the aches and pains you have put me through, and all the tums that you have made me give you just to keep you quiet. Ye bastard! Also, politicians (yes, someone else ranting about politics) who spend their hard earned money desperately trying to convince millions of people just how bad eachother are. I don't like Bush, i don't like his administration and I hope that they all get an end fitting of their crimes. I like to think that Bush has his heart in the right place, I like to think that Bush wants whats right for our country, but his actions speak otherwise. How better to serve our nation then to sour its reputation world-wide and send our people off to another country to kill, be killed, and ruin other people's lives as well as our own. You may be thinking "what about 9-11? isnt that justification for fighting terror?" Let me put this as delicately as I can... HORSE S---! Though we have claims of fighting terrorism, all we are doing is blindly finding someone to blame for the atrocitie that beset our nation. Our target was Osama Bin Laden. What did we do? We start a war in a country, and completely change their form of governement. Its good that Saddam is not in power, I think thats about the only thing we did right. Right as it may be, it still was not the way to go. We asked the world if they supported the decision, they said no. So the obvious choice, at least to Bush, was to say "Screw you guys, I'm gonna do it anyway!" OK, this politics thing has gone on far enough... I hope Kerry wins, just for the sake of getting rid of Bush, I'm tired of his arrogance, of his mindless rampage, and the poor image he has given this country.
    In general right now, I'm just tired of so many things. The little things that grate away and leave you empty, and give you a few hours of sleep, and then begin again. I'm just another human being in this world, the same freedoms, the same difficulties... So why is this crap so hard for me to deal with? Am I that weak of a person? Is there a good enough reason to continue living? I just need some hope, the kind I can't seem to supply for myself. I'm a very dependent person. I feel like I'm designed to be a servant. I have to be horribly corny right now to put this right... I need a girl, so that I feel like I have meaning. Someone I can be there for, someone I can wait on, someone who might give me hope that tomorrow I will do something right with my life. A reason. I need a reason to be. The whole religious aspect of it just doesnt satisfy me. I don't believe in fate... Not anymore. I guess I'm just losing patience. I don't have the patience to wait for something to hit me. As hard as I try to rely on myself for motivation, as hard as I try to tell myself to get up and f---ing do it... Its just not working. Maybe I can start a rock band, singing songs that give people inspiration to do something, maybe I'll be a writer that brings sections of life into focus for someone who reads what i have written, maybe I'll be an artist who's work reminds someone just how much beauty there is in life... Maybe I'll just end up as myself, no matter where I go, or what I do to hide from it. At the end of the day, I'm still the same old confused, oblivious and tired person I have always been. I like to get people to laugh, even if its at me when I've done something particularly clumsy. It helps me not only pass the time, but it gives me the feeling I have done something important. Just a smile. Thats all I ever wanted to give her. And when I broke her heart... I still havent forgiven myself. Not just for breaking her heart, but mine as well. Clinging desperately to a hope that one day I'll have her back. False hope I know, but its the only way I get through the day. Dammit, just another lonely f---ing 18 year old guy with nothing better to do but rant and rave about what he can't do right, what he could have done better or whatever the hell. All these mixed emotions, all this frustration, and yet no drive to take action. G--dammit! There, that felt better... Ok, siging off now. Peace, and don't forget to keep your fingers in check, lest they start a revolution and try to do in your nose. 
  • Wake up 2004-03-17 00:14:04 Nothing like getting 3 hours of sleep before working! I mean, normally because i dont have much of a schedule i end up sleeping way WAY more than i should, and ithink its cuase im greatful i finally fell asleep. it really takes a lot of work for me.. either that or a few doses of nyquil, but we dont have any right now...
    By the by, ive been feeling better since the last entry, not so tired, not so full of depressed bullshit. I mean, im still losing my faith in life as a whole, but ive regained hope, and i guess thats all i need to get through the day. Been trying to think of a video to make so's i can contribute to the site! but also not too sure about getting myself to finish it >_<! Ah well, maybe i just need to finally talk to my doctor about medications. My stomach has been killing me, and my attention span doesnt seem to be getting better.. . Damn you ADD! =P
    So today was a fun filled day of work, getting a notice in the mail about something bad to do with ym car.. .icky.. getting my game informer! and getting some friends of mine to take a look at my car see if they cant help me to not only understand the parts that make the frigging thing go, but also to figure out whether or not i have a leak in my radiator... even more ickyness. On the positive side though it still runs, even with the crunch damage from a trailer i hit after microdozing for abotu a second. that was fun, let me tell you.
    Let's see... I think I'm gonna go read up on Game Informer.
    "But wait, you have to fill out your W-2's and get the taxes back."
    Aw nuts.. Allright.
    "Oh, and dont forget to get your laundry started."
    Allright, ill do that before i forget.
    "And then you've got your english papers to write for night school."
    Slow down, i cant keep track of all this.
    "And then you gotta get a cop of next week's work schedule, and then you gotta go talk t othe doctor about stuff, and then you gotta pick up your room, and then take out the trash, and then you gotta give Victore a call, and then you gotta practice Aliens Versus Predator 2 so you can actually compete with your geeky freinds next friday, then you gotta read up on L5R so you can actually run a game, then you gotta..."
    So much to do, so little time... what was that first thing again?
    I can never priorotize this stuff, i dunno if its because im not devoted enough to getting it all done or what. Ah well, in the meantime, now that ive amused myself, im out. Peace, and dont forget to spray down your pet walrus before you let him outside for a cup of tea. 
  • Long days... 2004-03-15 23:31:35 Ok, time to see what its like writing down whats happened in my oh-so-glamorous life, and putting it online. Right-o.
    The good news is that i still have a job, im not too far away from finishing my high-school diploma thingy, and im alive. Right now, thats about where the line ends. The last couple of days have been rough to say the least. Being the simple, oblivious, and in general jaded person that I am didn't exactly help much. I recently went through the final ending of the best thing that has ever happened to me. I dated a girl named Beth for almost 3 years (long distance, and yes we met). Long story short, I ended it for the wrong reasons, and several months later when i realized my mistake, not only has she moved on, but apparently breaking up with her has now become what was supposed to happen. So now, long after she has gotten over it and gotten her closure, I finally realize I'm in my grieving period. Enough about that though...
    So, after a short but exhausting night at work i have realized just how much faith i have lost in life. I dont mean religious faith, but simply the belief that life is really worth it. It seems that i spend most of my time trying to focus on anything that makes it seem worth it, I have to try so hard to convince myself to keep going with almost anything. Partly because it finally hit me just how much i apparently cant rely on other people. No matter how committed i am to fixing something, no matter how much every ouce of my being wishes to do something, if the other person has already chosen a different path then i no longer have a say in it. I guess this only applies to very specific situiations, but still... Within the past few days I have been forced onto the idea that i have to live for myself... Sounds simple right? But no. My entire life is built aroud finding my reason from other people. I can't remember that last time i did something for myself, aside from trips to the bathroom or eating. I have no love for who I am, and im sure that is partly to blame. I have no pride in myself, and no drive. Not only that, but between work and school, it never feels like i have any or enough time. I'm stuck between trying to force myself to stand alone, and the need I have to lean on someone. If I lean on someone, i am only weak, and defeating the entire point behind learning to stand on my own in the first place, or at least thats what my head is telling me. Constant wars between emotions and logic, heart and mind. Where do I place my trust? I am so confused and so afraid of making the wrong decisions that the only way i ever seem to figure anything out is through other people. I can't even talk to myself without referring to myself as if im a different person pacing next to me. And this whole exhausted but cant sleep thing is really pissing me off. Why can't I just lay down for a few minutes and be asleep? Why does it take at least 2 hours? Oi, im just frustrated, tired, and all i want to do is have time to figure myself out, but there is always something that i have to be working towards, or right now i need to get some sleep before work tomorrow... so hopefully i fall asleep before 3 AM. With any luck these entries will get a little more positive in the coming days. In any case, peace, and dont forget to put your pants on before your shoes. 
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