JOURNAL: kilana meeanu (Avarie Kairos)

  • o.O Welp...time for another tori depression sequence 2005-04-15 21:48:15 >.> yep. my names tori. anyway o.O i think i'm depressed, mildly so anyway, its either stress buddy problems or just i've become really really upset over nothing. i'm stressed because i'm semi-overworked o.O bein an ap student is a PAIN bein a procrastinator doesn't help either. i might be upset overnothing though cuz..well..i tend to do that. o.O but...i've cried far too often in the past months and its got me thinkin. >.> Friend problems! gotta make a paragraph for that

    my best friend's name is ingy she's been being a real pain lately and i'm worried that we're growing apart. this was the first time we had a real big fight and it was really over nothing now that i think about it but it still has me really really upset at her. it started with her and moni talkin about the casting crowns concert that they went to (which mind you i never got wind of until after everything was prepared) while they were talking they got onto the subject of sharing their testimony (something they did on the way back from the concert) and anyway when asked i told them. i was really nervous though ya know cuz, i hate telling details like that to people. anyway later that day at lunch she asked me to go to this rv brown thing the next day at like 7. we both of course had procrastinated on that ap term paper and were both going to do it the day before which happened to be that wed, night before papers, so i told her i couldn't go cuz i know that i would be up till midnight finishing the stupid paper if i went. she then gets all defensive and starts badgering me to go. well when i put my foot down she askes penguin to go, of course penguin says no cuz she's not a committed christian and doesn't really care to go, so then ingy tells her that Jesus loves her and that she should really go. by this time i cant stand it so i go and throw my stuff away and come back to hear her still preachin to penguin and i have to get away cuz i hate that kind of badgering and penguin knows how to deal with her so i announce that i'm going upstairs and i get my stuff and yeah...end o school day. that evening online she then askes me again to go to that thing weds. and then i told her no again cuz i mean it i really didn't wanna go, she does the whole weedlin "just this one time" (which is bull crap cuz i've gone with her before) "you'll leave me there all alone" (i know i wont cuz her church has at least 2000 members and half of em are her friend) "you can bring your parents" (They'd back me up) give me a reason why (said just because and for the paper although its also because whenever i'm in her church i feel like im surrounded by hundreds of posers and its so pressing that its hard to breathe) then she says that she knows that Jesus loves me and that she wants me and penguin to go to her church and that she knows penguin's not a strong christian and that God wanted her to tell penguin and that i should go because r.v's an awsome preacher (which he is but) i still didn't want to go even if she could weedle penguin into going. then she starts off 'how have me and penguin become such fast and close friends.' i tell its cuz we're art students but...thats not the total reason. penguin doesn't judge. she doesn't question my motives and she really cares even if she doesn't act like it. sometimes when i'm with ingy i feel so fake, like i have to be someone else, that sometimes she uses me and manipulates me but...i guess i do that too so i guess its even...anyway. She says she's worried about me cuz gothic stuff isn't something to mess with. of course i reiterate that i'm not gothic and she says she knows but penguin is. this of course, makes me soo upset. you may kill me or torture me all you like but you never insult friends. Ingy doesn't know Anything about penguin so she has no right to make that assumption. if she knew something instead of making judgements by how she acts or what she does she'd know better. penguins not gothic, its family influences. her brother's in an angst rock band, her other does dnd for kicks and her sisters a professionial artist and i mean, everybody has little secrets that no one should know, but still she insulted her like that. ingy says that she doesn't want anyone to be lost, that she wants everyone to be saved but that penguin just makes fun of her and doesn't listen (now that i think about it, if she was so devoted to making penguin saved she would still work on her whether she's made fun of or not, penguin already doesn't talk to her online and may only be friends with her for my sake.) then she askes if anythings wrong, is about her and moni talking about the concert, i tell her no but that i dont wanna talk about it. then she askes me to tell her the absolute truth, am i saved? i say YES, i just dont wanna talk about anything or tell anyone because if i tell someone something vitally important people usually find out about it cuz they tell someone and my mom learns and i want to tell her things that i want to tell her. ingy says that its just between her and i but, i mean, i know thats complete shit cuz she tells her mom everything and as much as i love her mom, i dont want her to know cuz she'll tell my mom. ingy is kind of the reason why i dont tell big secrets... she then askes 'so you dont want to talk about whether your saved or not?' i just blow it. its not enough that she bugged me to go to that thing she questioned me about my faith which i told her the truth about twice. and when i question why she says that she wasn't quite sure about it cuz i couldn't look her in the eye. Now this just makes me so hurt and mad at the same time...i believe that in friendship you shouldn't question your friend about something that important. it shows a complete lack of trust and respect. so when i stop talking she asks again if anythings wrong (duh?) but i dont want to tell her,so she says you know i'm here for you right? and i'm like yeah but...i know that she hardly is, i have more trust to tell something to moni or complete strangers than her sometimes. so when moni comes on and askes the same thing 'are you ok' i just cant take it so i tell moni to tell ingrid bye for me (not in those words but nvm bout that) that night i talked to my mom about it, something i NEVER do and she agrees with me in the fact but says that ingrids just feeling really betrayed right now cuz her parents split and she's afraid of me leaving her side which is complete crap cuz i never will, i have the loyalty of a dog and will love you until the end of time if your my friend, that is just another stab into my already bleeding heart because of this. that night i cried myself to sleep knowing what i'd say to her the next morning. when i get there she's not there "sick" apparently. so the day goes according to schedual although i still feel really upset, feeling like i show fake smiles all day like pain just leaks from my eyes. anyway get home, do paper, am online and low and behold she's on there again. i call her sicky and she says no that it was her turn to have a mental breakdown (one evening after piano practice i broke down and cried for no reason or either from stress and got to stay home the next day) but no matter what happened to her and her breakdown she still went to that rv brown thing which just makes me think that she was just being a coward. i just keep running over it in my mind, each time it hurts wondering if i went anyway, had a miserable time, then did my paper till one in the morning she would have still come to school that thurs. i mean, she didn't even work on her paper that day while she was gone which was a complete waste of the day. i sometimes feel that she'd rather have me be fake happy with her and be a proclaiming evanglist than really happy doing what i like and showing my faith through works instead of just professions. i just dont know what to do anymore, i'm questioning everything, myself, my decisions my faith, and i'm in a rut and i have to dig myself out with any false hope or cheers from people who really aren't going to help in any other way besides saying "Just look to Jesus for guidance and he'll help" cuz i want something tangible. i want to know how to grow by myself and not be given false hope by someone whose your good friend you hardly know. we've grown so far apart because...she's not the ingy that was my friend and...i just wonder...gaw my friendship's so screwed up.. well..i ranted and feel slighty better. 
  • o.O wellp....first entry 2005-03-15 22:32:26 >.> i never do this that often but i thought, 'hey, what the heck' so woot! um...lets see, i'm workin on a music video for ff X-2 um...schools evil...and mara's datin danny o.O *twitch* what in the heck!?!?! danny must have a fetish for texans....sorry, i just cant see it. >.> Aw crap, bub's mad at me cuz of it...oh well..um...lets see can't really think, sigh!! oh well..thats it, being boring, toodles 
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