- Year in review 2002-12-09 09:47:50 I think this year has been rather successful for me. I flew out in February for Katsucon in Maryland. In May I spent a week in Florida visiting Disney World, while in July I flew out to New York for Shoujo-con in New Jersey. I wore the costume my mother made me, and won the Southern Ren. Faire costume contest's grand prize for my mother, which was 2,000 dollars worth of prizes. I was in a car accident, but ended up buying a new car because of such, and received a check for 3,000 for my old car. I won best of show at Shoujo-con for my AMV Suichi's Question. I became head of events for Yaoi-con, where I won Most Shocking Video for Corporate Sex Slave, and at AWA I received a special mention for my video For Kaoru. I had Daniel McCarthy (AKA Fungie 1/2) join Baka Deshi Productions, and I have the website up and running and getting a good deal of traffic daily. I cut my hair, or more correctly had it trimmed about four inches by Darci who I have become good friends with. I joined a gym and have already started to see an improvement in my body. My grandfather died, but it was better for him, and I bought a house (or almost). I lost my best friend, but have saved myself 2 hours of travel time visiting her on the weekends. I'm also saving money, and seeing Jason on a more regular basis. I received a promotion and a raise at work. So Life is good.
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Wow, House!
2002-12-08 15:57:38
I'm buying a house! My parents saw it and think it's okay, and in an okay neighborhood. I think it's a nice big house, with great resell potential. What's scary is it's the first house I've looked at. It has 3 bedrooms, 1 bath and a large lot. There is unpermented 2 bedrooms and 1 bath. I'm going to make one of the bedrooms into a nice pantry. :) I also have another friend that will be selling me some appliances real cheep as in 100 per applicance which is a washer, dryer, refergerator, dish washer.
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Survial Behavior
2002-12-06 17:18:49
Directions: For each survival behavior, rate your level of exhibiting it. Read the description first before you rate the behavior. Use the following rating scale:
1 = Never 2 = Rarely 3 = Sometimes 4 = Frequently 5 = Almost Always
( 1) 1 2 3 4 5 Refusal to Grow Up - Being Irresponsible
By your thinking, feelings or actions you let others know that you have no intention to "grow up" and think, feel or act responsibly like an "adult." You have probably never been able to have a real childhood and you feel that it is your time now for others to "take care of you" as if you were a child again. You want others to do it for you. By being irresponsible you can avoid being accountable for anything which might go wrong in your life. You can then point the finger of blame at the others who are in your life.
( 2) 1 2 3 4 5 Conflict with Authority Figures
By your thinking, feelings or actions you place yourself in direct conflict with authority figures in your life. You have been burnt by authority figures in the past and you reason that you are not going to let the perceived authorities overwhelm and control you.
( 3) 1 2 3 4 5 Chip on Your Shoulder
This is the "tough guy" approach of thinking, feeling or acting which challenges others to take the first move to try to get the chip off your shoulder. This is a sign of your unresolved past hurt and pain. You find yourself challenging the others and you appear ready for a fight at any moment and find it difficult to relax.
( 4) 1 2 3 4 5 Lack of Emotional Empathy
This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting based on the inability to be open to the feelings of others so as to prevent getting involved with them at an emotional level. This is a way to protect yourself from being vulnerable to being hurt in relationships if you get too close. This impacts your ability to give and receive support. You feel lost when emotional issues are discussed.
( 5) 1 2 3 4 5 Denial of Feelings or Pulling-In Feelings
This is a pattern by which you do not admit to having any positive or negative feeling about your past or current life. This is a way to protect yourself from pain, hurt, shame and upset. It also keeps you from experiencing enjoyment, pleasure and satisfaction in life. It makes it difficult for others, to relate to you since they can't get a clear picture of who you are by "pinning you down" on how you feel towards them.
( 6) 1 2 3 4 5 Disassociation from Feelings
This is a pattern of becoming numb or disconnected from the feelings accompanying an event which is unpleasant, threatening, abusive or violent, uncomfortable or challenging to you. This pattern of dealing with your feelings enables you to terminate an association with the event so as to survive the event and get on with your life. You find yourself disassociating from feelings of discomfort or being challenged.
( 7) 1 2 3 4 5 Invisibility
This is the pattern of thinking, feeling and acting which helps you not to be seen, heard or attended to by others so that they do not focus any negative actions or behaviors your way. This helps you to protect yourself from future real or perceived hurt, pain or abuse by others. When you act invisible your needs are not addressed and you do not experience the growth needed to be successful in your life.
( 8) 1 2 3 4 5 Self-Medicating Behaviors
This is a pattern by which you medicate or anesthetize the pain, hurt, shame, suffering or emptiness you have experienced in life. Compulsive and binge over-eating is a form of self-medicating.
( 9) 1 2 3 4 5 Inability to Trust
This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you do not allow yourself to trust anyone since you have trusted others in the past who eventually hurt and abused you. You are not willing to be taken advantage of nor hurt and abused by others in the future. You find it difficult to trust yourself.
(10) 1 2 3 4 5 Playing it Safe - Avoiding Taking Risks
This is a pattern by which you "play it safe" and not take risks so that you are not hurt, abused or taken advantage of by others. Playing it safe keeps you feeling secure in a cocoon sheltered from the hazards and risks of life and hopefully prevents you from making mistakes or failing by the decisions and actions you take in your life.
(11) 1 2 3 4 5 Self-Containment - False Pride
This is a pattern of thinking, feeling or acting by which you try to convince yourself and others that you do not need anyone else to help you do what you want to do in your life. This keeps you from accepting the support from others. This form of pride leaves you open to feeling more alone, abandoned and isolated in your life.
(12) 1 2 3 4 5 Mask Wearing - People Pleasing
This is a pattern of behaviors which hides from others how you are really feeling to prevent real or imagined abuse, rejection, non-approval or condemnation from those who would be offended by your honest assessment, judgment or reaction. You are wearing masks and pleasing others by keeping silent about how you feel. You shy away from honest statements to yourself or others, so as not to offend anyone.
(13) 1 2 3 4 5 Running Away
This is the pattern of thinking, feeling or acting by which you run away in your head or in reality to avoid having to face any hurt, pain, abuse, suffering, anxiety, stress or tension. The unpleasant realities have you so befuddled at this time you are contemplating running away so that you can get to a safe place from the situation. You have your plans ready for a quick exit as soon as the heat gets too unbearable for you.
(14) 1 2 3 4 5 Lying
This is a pattern by which you hide or omit the truth from others so as to avoid real or perceived abuse, hurt or conflict. In this program you find yourself lying about implementing things which you have not wholeheartedly accepted or wanted to do. You find yourself making excuses and using diversionary tactics to keep yourself from being cornered into admitting that it is difficult for you to do the things necessary in your life.
(15) 1 2 3 4 5 Overreaction
This is a pattern by which you blow things out of proportion to keep people concerned, confused and upset to gain attention for yourself to insure that you are not forgotten or ignored. You reason that negative attention is better than no attention at all.
(16) 1 2 3 4 5 Escape into Fantasy-Magical Thinking
This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you avoid unpleasantness by fantasizing how it could be. You use flights into fantasy and magical thinking to relieve the stress, anxiety or tension which you experience as you face the realities of what it will take to succeed in your life. You prefer to escape into the belief that it should be easier and faster and more permanent to gain the benefits of a successful life by simple solutions which are not present.
(17) 1 2 3 4 5 Lack of Commitment
This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you never commit to anything so as to prevent yourself from being entangled or tied into anything in which you might fail or be hurt. You find it difficult to make a commitment, a fear that you will not do it "good enough" or not be successful in your efforts and then be rejected, condemned or ridiculed because of your failure.
(18) 1 2 3 4 5 Antagonism - Hostility
This is a pattern of negativistic thinking, feeling and acting which reflects your self-protectiveness from real or perceived threats to you. This puts others off and maintains physical and emotional distance between you and them. Your antagonism is present in your dealings with others. You find yourself hostile and do not hide it.
(19) 1 2 3 4 5 Defensiveness
This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you are always "on guard" for real or perceived threats to you. This defensive attitude protects you from "being wronged," hurt, "unwanted" or "unloved." You find yourself in a "yes...but...".
(20) 1 2 3 4 5 Indecisiveness - Procrastination
This is a pattern which prevents you from being "tied down" to a decision, lest the decision be a wrong one. You put off making the decision for as long as you can in hopes that you never have to make a decision which could result in your making a mistake or experiencing failure.
(21) 1 2 3 4 5 Denial of Reality - Repression
This is a pattern of thinking, feeling or acting which allows you to deny the reality of past hurts, injustices or pain which you have experienced. This denial or repression is based on the belief that if you admitted this negative reality you would go insane from the shame, pain, misery, horror, rage, and shock you would experience from facing it the way it was. You are encouraged to do ANGER work to free yourself from the pain of these past injuries but you refuse to face the past and work hard at denying that anything ever was done to you which was hurtful or damaging to your self-esteem or mental health.
Survival Behaviors Inventory Interpretation:
If you rated a behavior a 3 or higher this behavior is a survival behavior -
Weekend
2002-12-02 10:10:47
The plans had been to work on my music video 'Dance with Me' this weekend, but on Wensday night my friend Max brought me a copy of Diablo II to borrow. I played Diablo I and enjoyed it, so I could eventually play Diablo II. Ofcourse when I play a video game, I play it at the lowest diffeculty level and only one time through. Meaning I kill Diablo only once. I don't play it at the higher diffeculty levels. That's just how I play video games. I finish it and then move onto the next game.
Well I also went to the CSUN AMV contest. It was very good. The crowd was small as I expected with the holiday and the weather. It however was a good crowd. They were relatively polite. However two guys were rather upset when the video they didn't like won Action. It was actually rather obvious which video would win in each category when we watched/pre-judged the videos. However I was so disappointed in the comedy video that won. It really only played to the lower intellegence and mentality of the audience. Someone tried to tell me it was done well, but I didn't think so. It was short and had a little bit of lip synching, that wasn't even the best lip synching I've seen.
I was surprised that the one creator who came to the contest happened to be the creator of the one video that won an award but wasn't in the finals. The person's video was very artistic but failed on other points, such as General Audience appeal. A video can be highly artistic, but the audience wouldn't appreciate it at all. I also brought some Tapes that I had (one wasn't even openned, the other was openned and discovered to not be the director's cut so I didn't want it any more), and well because the creator was there, we gave him those prizes. So that was very cool. Some people don't believe me when I say I'm psychic. However there was some reason I knew that video had to win. And that I brought the extra prizes.
On Sunday night I did sit down and work on my video for about two hours. I got one effect/fade done that I wanted. It's so annoying to work 2 hours on a layer that will be for only 30 seconds and so far in the background you barely see it and so can't care or appreciate it. Sure I could make the video without the affect but that's not how the video is coming along. It really is taking forever to put together, and what with Diablo II to play as well... It's a slow process. However the video really is looking nice. Every little beat and noise in the music has it's own effect and thing going on. I saw a neat affect that I'm going to throw into my video at the CSUN contest. (It's just instead of a total Black or total White flash, make it half and half. Which will help with the beat matching even more.)
I sent off my videos for Mindwarp's contest. Corporate Sex Slave and Heterosexuality. I made Heterosexuality specifically for the Mindwarp contest. Basically I wouldn't have made it, but Mindwarp's contest has been nice and allowing to send my Yaoi smut to it, so I felt the deserved a special present for such. Besides after they sit through Corporate Sex Slave they will need some stright smut to watch. I just hope they can look past the 'yaoi' that is CSS and see that it's actually a rather solid video. Yeah I made it, and I'm bias to it, but it's what I hear from others who have watched it. It's disturbing yes, but some think it really is my best work so far. (Because I can tell you Heterosexuality isn't). - Harry Potter weekend. 2002-11-18 12:56:07 For those who may have been keeping track of my Lead up to the Harry Potter party... well the party was wonderful. I had so much fun. My friends were very impressed by all the different candies I obtained. I personally liked the Fizzing Whizzbies and the Every Flavor Chocolate. Eating Bertie Botts every flavor bean in a dark theater is a fun experience. My friend Jason, our Slytherin for the day, his very first bean was a vomit flavored one. I first got mud. Vomit is so nasty. I just nibbled on the end of one of mine. Harry Potter candy may be expensive but it was so much fun to try and play with. Everyone really liked the Harry Potter scarfs I gave them as well. We wore them around all day. It was abit cold, but those scarfs were very warm. I kept wearing mine like an odd shaw. Figure they were also very long. Everyone tells me they had a good time, so that's nice to hear. Now I wait for book 5 and movie 3. I still have a bunch of candy to eat. As for the movie, I enjoyed it and can't wait to see it again.
JOURNAL: anneke (Anneke )
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