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how could she think such a thing?
2004-07-12 14:21:41
Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been to busy rotting in hell. Miaka and I broke up after 7 months of dating. I've been crying, and bitching since then.
I've called Miaka a couple times, each time with a different attitude. I've yelled at her, told her I never want to see you again, and then told her to fuck off. Then I cried, I fuckin cried hour apon hour. I just don't understand anything any more. What did I do to make her leave me?
I mean ya, we did get in a really big fight at Port'con, but after I cooled down I realized that I had made a mistake. So I searched the building up and down for her, and when I found her I apologized. Then, just two, or three days after our 7th she called me up and said it was over......
That's about the time I realized that hell isn't a place in the after life, it's living a life without the one you love.... God, I miss her so much.
I've tried so hard to make things better between us, but I can't. I only fuck things up more, and every time I try to talk to her, she says I'm only hurting us. Maybe she should take a really close look at me, cause I'm already in pain. I actually prayed to god last night to give me a second chance, to just show her how much I love her.
That's when I desided I had to give it another try. I walked in the blistering hot sun to get to her house. Then after being thrown around a bit I found her. The look on her face alone made me want to curl up and die right there, but being the think headed person I am I continued on. I gave her a note, and some flowers I found in a marsh. To put it short, I ended up crying on my way home, and cursing at god to stop fucking with me. I never get to be happy. I lose everyone I ever love. My father, my grandparents, and now the one person I left my own parents for.
Now to top this fucking day off. I just finished reading Miaka's journal, and now I want to slap her. She doesn't understand how I feel about her. She actually thinks I was in it for the action. That all I wanted was sex. She doesn't even believe that I'm in love with her.... Then, very abruptly, she stops talking about me, and starts up about this Tidus guy ><
I hate him..... I don't even know him, but I hate him. I know I should feel happy about Miaka moving on, but I can't be, cause I love her, not this Tidus. I really hope I don't meet him, cause I honestly believe that I would beat the living shit out of him. I wouldn't even second guess it. You see, the one thing I don't think I ever told Miaka was that I bottle nearly every angery moment in my life. Instead of acting on it, I bottle it. Then, on those few moments when I do snap I blank out. I've only done it once, but I scared myself. I knew I was hitting the kid, but I couldn't stop. Every moment just flashed back, and I just couldn't stop. Then finally someone pulled me back, and I wanted to puke when I saw what I did. You see, the guy made the mistake of hurting someone close to me, my sister, so I snapped. I never snap when people yell or beat me, it's when they hurt a friend, or family member.......
I think I'm going to call Miaka tonight, and regret every minute of it, but now I kinda know what she's been thinking, and I can't let her go with such a poor image of me........... -
half year!
2004-05-21 23:59:43
Tomarrow marks the day of miaka's and my 6 month anniversiry! 6 months of dating miaka, and I still feel the same way I did when I first asked her out.
We'll be celebrating at her house tomarrow. we got it all planned out. we're gonna rent a hole shit load of movies, and eat chinese food, cause it's her fav ^^ gaaa, I love her so much ^^ -
Ketchup, it's not just a topping anymore
2004-05-09 13:10:41
It's been a while since I've last written here hasn't it? Anyway, I believe it's time to play catch up (ketchup, now you get the title ^^)
I had this really big break down a while ago. You see my mother and I got in a really big arguement over my grades, and homework. I tried explaining to her that I'm trying soooo hard to fix my grades, but she wouldn't have it. She just kept yelling and yelling at me. So I did the stupid thing and ran to my room, and started crying. Damn it, I hate it when I fall apart like that. I mean I was shaking, I was crying so hard. I desided that I needed to get away from everything, to excape my living hell. So I called Yugi, cause I knew her parents would understand, but she wasn't home. So I called Miaka, and I poured my soul out to her, and she listed through everything. I love her so much, she even tried helping me through it. Which must have been really hard cause it's not easy to help a kid through this kinda problem. None the less she did, she even asked her parents if I could come to her house. And here's were it got wierd, her parents actually agreed, and even more her mother talked with me about it. That's right, Uber Bitch has a heart, so I believe I'll refer to her as Miaka's mom from now on. Anyway, long story short, Miaka's mother helped me through my problem, and I ended up spending the night at my house, and talking to my mother.
Then there was this contra dance thingy. I didn't have very high expectations of it, but it turned out to be real fun. I got through about three dances before finally crapping out. So I went outside with Miaka, and rersted. We ended up talking, and looking at the stars. It was nice, for once my mind wasn't even thinking a bit about sex, or anything close to it. It was just Miaka, the stars, and I. It was peaseful.
well, I think that kinda sums it up for now, byez -
loneliness
2004-04-22 22:58:31
Miaka is gone for the day visiting her grandmother. Which leaves me home alone for the day. So I will ramble!!!
I read Miaka's journal the other day, and it kinda depressed me. I mean ya, I do have feelings for Yugi, but not in the way I do for Miaka. I like Yugi yes, but I love Miaka. Those are two completely different things. Yugi could never compare to Miaka, not by a long shot. Yes, Yugi is a very nice person, and she doesn't look that bad, but Miaka is so much more. Her personality, her smile, and her body are just so much better than yugi's. There is no love triangle for me, just Miaka, and I was hoping she would have known that.
by the way, if this is confusing you, then read (Theanimegirl)'s journal. That would be Miaka's -
love at last
2004-04-16 17:35:10
Miaka finally told me she loved me a couple of days ago. The feeling I got when those words excaped her mouth were unexplainable. For a couple of months now I've known I've loved her, but she was still uncertain. Then while in study hall during the day of silence she told me, well actually she wrote it. Seeing we couldn't talk for the day as a protest against the way gays, lesbians, transgender, etc. people were being treated, and silenced from the world. I wanted to cry at that moment really I did, but I didn't.
We also came up with a song for us, which if you haven't read her journal yet it's "The Scientist" by Coldplay. I love that song, and it reminds me of us, and all the problems we've worked through.
Well, I done for today, I'll try to write a little more often now. Sorry to all of you who have been dieing to read a new entry in my journal ^^
JOURNAL: sugoroku
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