Okay, watched it and I'm back. First thing: compress your audio. There's no reason to waste so much space with PCM.
As for the video itself...
- You might want to try fewer cuts and more fades in the quiet parts; it would probably work better with the whistling effect. Also, there's so little going on in those sections that fades to black in between scenes might also come in handy.
- Why did we keep switching back to shots of Girls Dead Monster performing? If you're going for a "real music video" type of feel, those sections probably shouldn't go as long as they do without a look back at the main story, and it also doesn't agree with Yuri lip-synching those two lines she does.
- The action sync in the action scenes was inconsistent: there were some nice moments, but also some unexpected slowdowns (in the middle of a fast section) or scenes with big hits happening on screen that didn't line up with the music.
- I've seen Angel Beats!, so I got that most of the action was told in chronological order. However, I didn't get a sense of coherency:
- What does Yuri launching her hapless fellow SSS members into the ceiling have to do with the rest of it?
- Why use the scene with the meal tickets falling from the sky if the plot points that build on that don't make it into the video? Especially noticeable because you put it between two concert scenes, so it looks like a confusing interlude.
- In the finale, the cut from Yuri away to the gymnasium is a rather jarring mood change, especially considering it didn't coincide with a similar change point in the music. Not to mention that the hand slap that follows is pretty much the only chance for internal sync in that whole finale, yet it doesn't sync with anything.
- Other specific notes on the action bits:
- The scene at 2:48 is one of the best scenes in the whole series, but it loses impact here when not synched up well with the music (and also considering the previous scene sets us up to expect to see more of Yuri leaping into action). The biggest impact point is the zoom-out on Kanade just having taken off, but here it's on an unimportant beat 4. Personally, I'd suggest right wing on beat 3, left wing on beat 4, then the zoom-out ending on the downbeat and hold for most of the measure (instead of the shot of her on the ground).
- A mismanagement of expectations: At 2:53, you start what looks like it's going to be a pretty cool action sequence, with four beats of Yuri doing her thing, then switching to TK for the next measure. This led me to expect we'd get into a nice pattern of switching characters predictably with the music (while using those fluid action scenes I love so much about this series), but then you broke the pattern suddenly by switching to that NPC after just 3 beats of TK. (Which would have almost been forgivable if the NPC's transformation had snapped to the next downbeat, but it was too long to do so.) Really broke the momentum of that section. Establishing a pattern is good (Kevin Caldwell's own "Engel" is in fact a PRIME example of this!), but only if it's committed to -- not if it's broken before it gets anywhere.
- While it's good to see editors willing to edit songs down to shorter lengths if they can't sustain a concept for the whole length (I have done this before myself), you should practice your cuts more. I heard that edit at 2:51; beat 2 goes on longer than it should.
You show potential, but you could use some more practice. I'd suggest re-watching some of your favorite action videos and really studying them to try to pick out specific techniques that work effectively. That, and spending a little more time experimenting with scene selection and placement, to get something that really flows with the music as best it can.
I'm not sure from your forum activity whether you'll read this, but I hope you do and find it helpful.