I'm pretty much going to blow my brains out at this point. I have snapped the undewire in all but one of my bras, and I am wearing this last one like it is made of glass. I can't twist to the side, I can't lean forward, I can't compress it in any way for fear that the damn thing will bust on me and then all I'll have left are the itchy, unsupportive, overheating, wireless boxed bras left to use. I mean, this is after I had transplanted the good underwire from one bra into another where the wire had broken repeatedly, which means in the last few months, I have snapped at least eight underwires. EIGHT of them. What the fuck!? Why now?
When I say "snapped" and "broken," I mean just that, by the way. I don't mean, "pushed out of its seams." I am good enough with a needle and thread to fix that problem easily. These bras are being rendered unwearable because the metal is actually breaking.
And no, whoever is about to say, "Well just remove the wires and wear them that way," it doesn't work like that. If the bra isn't actually made to be wireless to begin with, it won't support properly without the wires. Even then, my experiences with wireless bras have been extremely unpleasant. They are always covered in ugly, itchy lace that never softens up no matter how much you wash them. In the summer, they are hot and disgusting; they make you feel damp with sweat all day. And for fuck's sake, why can they not separate my boobs? I can't stand the feeling of my breasts touching. In the summer, it's a sweaty, nasty nightmare. I don't WANT cleavage. My chest will do that whether or not the bra forces them together. I need these beasts to be in their separate cages, thank you. (This is also the reason why I refuse to wear sports bras, as I always end up with a squishy pyramid at the center of my sternum after five minutes of moving around in one of the things. There is no control, no structure, no lifting and separating in those things.)
Also, why do bra companies assume that just because I'm large-breasted that it means I want sheer mesh cups with a bazillion VERY visible, itchy seams? Yes, believe it or not, I want a little shaping, a little moulding, a little padding, AT LEAST so my poor nipples aren't nuclear rockets in the winter. I want this thing to lay smooth and flat under my clothes, and lace, seams, and a lack of proper covering over the sensitive bits are really fucking with my mojo here.
And don't you dare breathe a word about going braless. Literally the worst sensation ever. I can only sleep without one.
So back to why I'm going to blow my brains out. As I said, I am on my last bra, and for some time now, I have been trying to find some place - ANY place - that carries bras in my size. See, I finally just broke the last ugly barrier: I'm officially too big to buy my bras in physical stores. For full disclosure, that means 40DD. Look around sometime; unless you live in a very large city with specialty stores or huge outlets containing extended sizes (I don't!), that's the largest size that most brands carry, and even if they carry extended sizes, the physical locations do not stock them.
What am I? Well, I thought was a 42DDD. From what one, single bra I was able to find and try on after months of searching in stores, I thought I had figured out my size. So, I went snooping around online, only to find that the online environment is just as hostile. Finding any places that carry above 40DD is hard to say the least, and if they do, they cost more than I can afford on a Wal-Mart paycheck. I finally broke down and went to Just My Size (haven't had a good track record with their products), said to hell with the prices, and bought four types of bras in black and white. Well, none of those fit. Fabulous. Eight bras to be returned. I could talk about how horribly uncomfortable and poorly designed they were, but I'll refrain. Suffice it to say, Playtex knows fuck-all about designing bras, apparently.
What I did learn is that I am NOT a 42DDD. In all of them, the band was too tight, while the cups mysteriously had room in them, which I was not expecting. So apparently I gained weight around my torso, but not in the actual breast tissue.
Theory number two: I am a 44DD. Now if I can actually find some fucking places that sell that size. I am loathe to go back to Just My Size, because even if I got the right size, the bras themselves were just awful. I got really, really excited when I found a site called Simply Yours, which has all kinds of bras in my size - cute ones, too! And then I found out that they only ship to the UK. Wow, great sales move there. There is a huge market (no pun intended) for plus-sized women over here in the United States, and as my searches are indicating, there clearly aren't enough resources available to us. Why would you not want to be the company that's known for providing adorable, functional bras in an otherwise boring, monochrome sea of your competitor's ungainly, hooks-and-eyes-for-miles, breast armor? I just don't get it.
To wrap this up (clearly not in a decent bra AHAHAHA), I am just exhausted. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know where to look to find something that will actually fit me (and deliver to my area, because that's apparently a problem).
Either this last wire is going to snap, or I will. Start placing your bets.