I woke up this morning and a hobo was vomiting into my anus.

[inthesto]

Yeah, I know it's pretty gross, but it happens all the time. Let's not pretend it hasn't happened to you a few times in the past month. We all do it, so don't hide it. Besides, that's not the gross part.

Just as anyone else does, I did the normal thing when you wake up to find a homeless guy puking into your colon and pulled the crowbar out from under my pillow and started smashing his skull in. Unfortunately, I forgot to follow standard procedure and did not pull hit head away from my ass before doing so. Being a strong, buff, and manly as I am, I caved in the bum's head in one hit, but this caused shards of his skull and brain along with maybe his left eyeball (it's kind of hard to tell the left from right after you crushed it with a large metal object) to fall inside my intestinal track. Now, I've had stranger things up there before, but who knows where a homeless guy has been? I could probably get AIDS from that, and the sixteen pre-pubscent sex slaves I keep chained up in my basement would probably whine about that, meaning I'd have to pull out Willmer The Bondage Donkey to deal with them until they shut up. Of course, I love a good donkey-rape show, but the amount of sound it makes gets complaints from the neighbors. But hey, I'm getting off track.

After properly disposing of the hobo's corpse by throwing it into my vat of leeches - they give killer blowjobs, let me tell you - I figured the quickest solution was to dial 911, since they usually know how to solve problems. When I called them, though, they weren't any help at all, giving me some message about "omg they're flying planes into us." Now, I always love a good joke about people jumping out of skyscrapers, so I had good laugh over the answer. In fact, it was so good a laugh that the alien that was incubating inside my liver decided to burst out and complain. Well, I assume it was a complaint, since they don't really speak any human language. Come to think of it, they don't really meaningfully communicate so much as just rip everything to bits and eat people. So when I said the alien was complaining, it really just kind of tore out of my abdomen - taking my spleen and half a kidney with it - and start hissing, intent on eating me.

Now, I'm no more an alien hunter than the rest of you, but I will say that I do have nerves of steel from hours of playing Deus Ex on Realistic difficulty. Remembering the training I had from that game, I took the most secure route and pulled out the Dragon's Tooth, a sword made with the superiority of nano-technology. Okay, that's what I wanted to do, but since I didn't actually have one of those, I made-do with the next best thing: my penis. Luckily, it had already been severed the previous night with a rusted hacksaw, since it had gangrene all over it. Maybe taking those seven bottles of Viagra wasn't such a good idea. Regardless, I quickly jumped to the hobo's corpse and ripped off his penis and welded the two penises together with my laser eye-beams.

However, by the time I managed to make myself a weapon, the alien had already shit all over my house, covering just about everything - include the children and the sex donkey - in alien feces. What you probably don't know is that the alien feces actually act as extremely strong pheromones for all terran lifeforms, which was going to be a problem considering my dick wasn't in any shape to be relaying pleasurable sensations to my central nervous system. The bigger problem at hand, however, was the fact that Willmer the Bondage Donkey was going absolutely nuts and was probably going to bust one soon if I didn't do anything about it. I figured that it was time the hobo made himself usefull.

I have a harness just for Willmer to mount people for easy access, but the donkey wasn't going to sit still enough for me to load the dead, headless body for quick necrophilia. The blood spraying out of the windpipe and into my eyes wasn't terribly helpful either. I had to drop the corpse when Willmer reared, so he wouldn't crush me. Instead,he kind of crushed the hobo's corpse, splattering dead, rotting flesh all over me and the sixteen sex slaves. I should probably mention at this point that the donkey is unusually hung, even for an equine, and its penis managed to half-crush, half-penetrate the hobo's corpse. Watching a giant donkey penis smash right through somebody's chest cavitiy is an extremely erotic sight, let me tell you, until the donkey starts freaking out because stomach acid is eating away at its boner flesh and a rib has jammed itself down the donkey's urethrea.

After tearing my house to pieces looking for some painkillers to apply to the donkey, my neighbor came over to see what all the commotion is about. She must have been fairly aroused from the alien pheromones too, from the way her dicknipples were writhing about underneath her shirt. I tried to ask her if there was a problem, but she ejaculated into each of my eyes, burning them out pretty quickly. I guess dicknipple semen also works as napalm. At this point, she apologized profusely, gave me the best rimjob of my life - she seemed to really like the taste of the bum's brain - and rushed me to the hospital, where I am now.

Oh yeah, I also made a video or something.

[Kitsuner]

You ass. Get that Donkey under control and write up some ICI notes.

|:/

[Fall_Child42]

[Fuze]

...........w...t...f......

[azulmagia]

I call bullshit on that entire story, if that happens you're supposed to put your bondage donkey down, not give it painkillers.

[Minion]

same thing happened to me. only different. there was no hobo. but this crazy glowing biatch in a pink tutu ran through my apartment, got int he bathtub and turned on the water. then she screamed. then she started chasing people with a knife. she killed some guy and made someone else go crazy. all because of some bullshit website. so, ya. it was exactly like yours. except nothing was the same at all. no hobo. none of the other stuff. totally different. nothing was the same, you see. totally different stories all together. yours had a hobo, mine had some psyco lady. idk man. some things keep me up late at night. like clowns. those faces are fucked up. its like a screaming punching bag with rainbow hair. and making those baloon animals? i don't even know where to start on that. first of all, they make creepy hand motions while they do it, like they wanna touch your naughty bits. didn't haooen to anybody else? anybody? no? ok, forget i said anything then.
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