The most metal parody ever.

[Tono_Fyr]

Destiny of Steel
(Also referred to as "Action Movie" by Duane and Myself)
By Trapper Lanthier
Ok, so, where the idea for this whole thing came from. I was driving with my best friend to Athens over this past weekend, pretty much to just hang out. You know, shoot the breeze in the mall, play some instruments at the Musician's Warehouse, look around for various games, CDs, and DVDs at Best Buy. On the way there, a car seemed to follow us. It was made note of because when we turned onto the highway, he got way too damn close, and then turned in the same direction that we did. Duane (my friend) made a joke about how the whole scene would go if we were in a summer blockbuster, and that's pretty much how the whole idea got life. It quickly fell into just random insanity, but eh... That's what happens when you put me with old friends. I wrote the entire thing, but Duane helped with the beginning and story ideas.
I also would like to note that, while the following should be a given, this should be reinforced by the fact. This is entirely made in parody. While I dislike the RIAA, I would never physically harm or threaten any of its employees or underlings. Once again, this is made in entirely in parody.
I’d also like to note that I had way too much fun with this assignment. It totally rocks. Pun intended. Also, I'm allowing Shawn to do a continuation of the story, since he enjoyed it enough to want to have more of it. The idea for Lars Ulrich being the evil tyrant came from an Internet buddy of mine whom I got to look the play over, just for kicks. Quite a brilliant idea, if you ask me.

Scene 1
Setting: Driving down a highway, in a jeep.
Trapper: Yeah, dude, 300 was amazing. You should seriously go see it.
Duane: Oh?
Trapper: Yeah, I'm normally more of a comedy fan, but I don't think I've ever enjoyed a movie that much before.
Duane: Nice, I'll have to get off my lazy ass and go see it at some point.
Trapper (at a car that's tailing a little too closely): God dammit, get off my ass! I hate it when people do that, man, it pisses me off.
Duane: Y'know... it seems like they've been following us for a pretty long time...
Trapper: Really?
Duane: Yeah... it's kinda weird...
Trapper: Eh, oh well, this is a pretty big high way, a lot of people use it to get up to Athens.
(The other car pulls up next to the jeep, window rolls down, and the man driving the car begins firing a pistol at the side of the jeep)
Trapper: Holy shit!
(swerves, rams into the other car, then flips off to the right side of the road, both Duane and Trapper manage to roll out before the jeep is too badly damaged. After a brief moment of panting, the car blows up abruptly)
Trapper: My CD collection! Where is that asshole, I'm going to rip his stomach out!
Duane: Hey, there he is!
(The man who was driving the other car [now crashed in the left median] is seen running into the tree line about thirty yards away. Duane and Trapper make chase.)
Trapper: Get back here, now!
Driver: Screw you, man!
(Duane suddenly trips on a tree root.)
Duane: Keep going! I'll catch up!
Trapper: God dammit!
(After a few moments of chasing, Trapper catches up to driver and tackles him to the ground.)
Trapper: Just what in the hell was that for? Huh?
Driver: I'll never tell you who I'm working for!
Trapper: You're working for someone? What the fuck? Why in the hell would anyone want me dead?
Driver: They said... you'll fulfill the prophecy.
Trapper: Prophecy? What the fuck are you smoking?
Driver: The prophecy that someone would become the most metal man on the planet, and completely destroy the corporate recording industry as we know it!
Trapper: Uhhhh... ok?
Driver: I'm working for the RIAA.
Trapper: Just a minute ago you said you would never tell me who you were working for...
Driver: Your torture was too much...
Trapper: Dude, I haven't done anything to you but tackle you to the ground!
(The driver suddenly dies for no apparent reason, Trapper stands up, and notices that he was mostly impaled on a tree limb.)
Trapper: ... Oh shit. That's not good.
(Duane comes running up, panting, and then falls on his face, over another branch)
Trapper: Brilliant, I accidentally kill some dude who rambled some bullshit about me being some prophesied metal god, and my best friend falls all over himself when we run through the woods trying to catch him.
(Trapper helps Duane off the ground.)
Duane: He's dead?!
Trapper: Yeah... normally, there'd be serious repercussions for what's gone on here, but... He attacked us first, so it's all self defense. beyond that, we're in a summer blockbuster action movie, for Christ’s sake.
Duane: Yeah... The cops would only be added at this point as some random plot point to increase the tension of the movie.
Trapper: Breaking the fourth wall is such fun.

Scene 2
Setting: A few days later, Trapper's hanging out with Duane again, and they're still trying to figure out what the hell that whole thing with the insane driver was.
Trapper: I've always known that the RIAA was a bunch of pig headed coke snorters, but this whole situation is almost too much.
Duane: Yeah, I know.
(Shawn enters.)
Shawn: Why in the hell am I in Winder?
Trapper: Because I needed you to help move the plot along, shut the fuck up.
Shawn: That's an asinine reason.
Trapper: Eh.
Shawn: Anyway, yeah, dude, I heard about what happened, that's pretty fucking weird. I'd think that they'd be more likely to come after me than you... I mean, I have the bigger metal collection, and have been playing guitar for a lot longer than you have.
Trapper: I know, that's the weird thing.
(Suddenly, shots are fired into the window, Shawn falls to the ground, bleeding.)
Trapper: Shawn!
(Trapper rushes over to Shawn, and holds up his head.)
Shawn: Trapper, You've got to stop them...
Trapper: Shawn, you better not die on me, asshole.
Shawn: What the fuck am I gonna do about it, man! I just got shot!
Trapper: I will avenge your death!
Shawn: Dude, I'm not dead yet.
Trapper: Oh... Ok... Then I can avenge your getting shot... like in Bloodsport. I'll need a cheesy flash back to my training.
Shawn: What training? You're not a martial artist. And I don't think I was hit anywhere vital, just my legs. Man, getting shot hurts like shit!
Trapper: I don’t know, I’ll make something up when I get there.

Scene 3
Setting: The central headquarters of the RIAA. Trapper walks in, holding his guitar, with a small amp hooked to his belt. Duane follows, holding a keytar with a similar setup.
Trapper walks up to the front desk.
Trapper: I need to see the CEO.
Attendant: I’m sorry, sir, you need an appointment.
Trapper: Lady, your people nearly killed me and my two best friends… I am going to see your CEO, and it’s going to be today.
Attendant: I’m sorry, sir, there’s nothing I can do.
Trapper: Wrong answer!
(Trapper promptly plays a mind crushing guitar riff followed by a blazing solo, which causes the attendant’s head to explode. Two security guards quickly approach the pair.)
Duane: I don’t think so!
(Duane plays the synth riff from the beginning “Separate Ways” by Journey, and both fall to the ground, foaming at the mouth. Duane and Trapper look at each other, and begin playing in perfect, rocking harmony. The make their way through the building, which eventually opens up into a room full of pillars with the elevator at the opposing end. Four formally dressed men step out.)
One: You should really cease this madness.
Trapper: Madness? This is not madness… This… is… METAL!
(Immediately, the men fire bullets towards Trapper and Duane, but Trapper step forward, and plays the riff from “Valhall Awaits Me” by Amon Amarth, and the bullets all disintegrate before they reach either of them. Trapper squints his eyes.)
Trapper: Bring it on…
(A seemingly endless staccato of shots are fired, and all are met in various, rocking ways. A few guitar solos and death metal riffs, and a few keyboard solos all ring out above anything)
Two: Shit, I’m out of ammo!
(Two’s head promptly explodes as Trapper rips out the solo from “As I Am” by Dream Theater.)
Trapper: You guys want some more?
(Three manages to get behind Trapper, and fires a shot directly at the back of his head. Duane steps in and plays the keyboard solo from “The Odyssey” by Symphony X, turning the bullet around, and firing it straight back at three’s head.)
Three: God dammit!
(Three’s head is blown apart by his own bullet, and every bloody detail is viewed. Four suddenly throws down his gun and pulls a sword out of seemingly no where, and runs straight at Duane. Trapper turns around plays the solo from “Asator” by Amon Amarth. Four falls to the ground has his stomach explodes, and its contents burst out across the floor.)
Duane: This is way too easy…
Trapper: Yeah, I know…
One: My god, how’d you do that!
Trapper: It’s the power of metal and being the hero of a summer blockbuster action film, baby.
(Trapper suddenly plays “Hangar 18” by Megadeth in its entirety in the course of under 30 seconds, and One just dies. He just falls over.)
Trapper: Let’s finish this!
Duane: Hell yeah!
(The pair walk into the elevator, and have a small jam session as they wait for it to take them to the top floor, as everyone knows that the evil overlord always reigns from the highest point in the building. A few minutes pass, and the doors finally open, the two step out.)
Tyrant: No! It’s not possible! You’re supposed to be dead!
Trapper: You can’t kill me, or Duane… Wait, aren't you Lars Ulrich!?
Tyrant: Yes, I am... I became to head of this organization to insure Metallica's continuing success.
Trapper: You guys used to rock... but you were always my least favorite member... So you won't be walking away from this.
Tyrant: Oh, We'll see about that!
Trapper: We’re metal gods! I’d also like to note that it wouldn’t have come to this if you hadn’t tried to kill us in the first place…
Tyrant: Oh well, I’ll slap you with a lawsuit, you’ll never kill me!
Lawyer: He’s right, you have to deal with ME first!
(The lawyer begins spouting useless and random information about the US law system, in an attempt to stop the two.)
Trapper: I… don’t… think… I can take this… any longer… I think I’m going to have to have a flashback now…

Scene 4
Setting: A room in a school somewhere.
Teacher: Now, remember grasshopper, you must overcome legal bullshit in order to find true Nirvana… and no, I’m talking about that shitty band from Seattle.
Trapper: How do I do that?
Teacher: Just use your instincts, and your love for music… a little jamming goes a long way.

Scene 5
Setting: Back to the office of the Tyrant.
Lawyer: … and that’s why…
Trapper: Shut the hell up!
(With that, Trapper, improvises a solo, and the lawyer’s brain immediately begins to twist and convulse, as does his body, which soon explodes in a rather brilliant and vibrant way.)
Trapper: It’s over now… You’ve done all this damage to yourself, you idiot. If you hadn’t tried to kill me in the first place, it would not have ended like this.
Tyrant: Save me your mumbo jumbo… When I go down, thousands more are waiting to take my place!
Trapper: Being that you work for a company that does nothing but produce boring, cookie cutter music designed for the ignorant, emo and prepubescent masses, that doesn’t surprise me in the least. But it’s over now.
(Trapper plays “This Will Never End” by Blind Guardian, and the tyrant pops. Trapper and Duane high five.)
Trapper: We did it, we destroyed the greatest threat to creativity that man has ever known!
Duane: Hell yeah, man. Let’s go get some pizza, I’m starving.
Trapper: I’m with you, bro.
(They exit the building, and the scene fades out.)


Destiny of Steel, Part 2
By Shawn Evons
Scene 6
(Trapper and Duane still walking outside of building)
Trapper: So what pizza joint do you want to go to?
Duane: I don....
(Duane is interrupted mid-sentence and a ghastly figure appears floating before them)
Figure: Your journey is not yet over
Trapper: Shawn? What the fuck? Why are you a ghost? You didn’t even die in Scene two!
(Figure falls and loses it’s ghost-like qualities)
Shawn: Shit, that was weird.
Trapper: Tell me about it. Now what the hell were you just talking about?
(Shawn brushes dirt off of his jeans)
Shawn: Well, after you guys left, I started messing around with some songs on your computer, y’know, playing them in reverse and what-not when I came across an Iced Earth song that had some strange noises playing.
Trapper: You’ve got to be shitting me...
Shawn: No, man. They were mumbling things about some prophets killing off the “bringers of evil.”
(Trapper and Duane look at each other with a glazed look in their eyes)
Duane: Well, we just...y’know...killed some RIAA employees with the power of metal. Maybe that’s what they meant?
Shawn: Nah, I think they said something about where the music begins.
(Trapper enters deep thought)
Trapper: The bands!
Shawn and Duane: The bands?
Trapper: The fucking bands! The generic, manufactured bands that feed off of the stupidity of angsty teens. Like Fall Out Boy.
Duane: And Evanescence
Shawn: And Bright Eyes. Y’know, those messages said something about getting rid of the three prime evils.
(All three scratch their head)
Duane: This is completely predictable. We all know that it means we’re supposed to get rid of these bands, but we’re all pretending like we don’t know.
Shawn: You’re right, I guess we better get on that...
(All three walk to Pizza Hut)
Scene 7
(Trapper, Shawn, and Duane are sitting outside of a Fall Out Boy concert armed with earplugs, two guitars and a keytar..)
Trapper: A question of morality...
Shawn: Eh?
Trapper: Should we just dispose of the band, or both the band and the rather innocent fans that listen to this crap?
(Shawn begins looking around)
Shawn: Well, considering I listen to death metal, society would claim that I’m a violent person and would go on a killing spree because Satan/Glen Benton told me to.
Trapper: Fuck society!
Shawn: Good point, lets kill them all.
Trapper: Considering I hate this band the most, I’ll take care of it.
Shawn and Duane: Whatever, dude. Have fun.
(Trapper walks through the concert doors and begins playing the brilliant, majestic solo of Dream Theater’s Erotomania)
Crowd Member: Oh my god, like, guys. Who is playing that nonsense? It’s hurting my ears, my short attention span can not comprehend these things. I guess there’s only one thing left to do...
Crowd Member: Crowd! Ready your weapons!
(The entire crowd turns towards Trapper and reveals shiny, new razor blades)
Crowd Member: On the count of three, ATTACK! One...Two...
(The crowd raise their blades up high)
Crowd Member: Three!
(With a downward motion, the whole crowd swings their blades and gashes their arms open. They all fall to the ground and die)
Trapper: Uhh...
(In a fit of extremely loud laughter, the heads of the Fall Out Boy members implode. He walks outside of the venue to meet with Shawn and Duane.)
Trapper: One down...
Duane: Let’s go...
(All three walk off)
Scene 8
(Trapper, Shawn, and Duane are sitting in a Jeep a few hundred yards away from an outdoor Evanescence concert.)
Duane: I really don’t like having to hear this crap.
Shawn: You think we do?
Duane: I just want to get this over with...
Trapper: It appears we have some asinine musical abilities that can quickly and cheesily dispatch of several people at once.
(All three look at the non-existent “camera” and wink)
Duane: I really just don’t feel like dealing with this.
Shawn: Molotov Cocktail
Duane: Excuse me?
Shawn: Molotov fucking cocktail, man. You know, boom, fire, death. That sort of thing.
Duane: Oh, yeah
(Duane pulls a Molotov cocktail out of thin air and walks to the backstage entrance of the ampitheatre.)
Duane: Well, here goes, I guess.
(Duane tosses the Molotov cocktail onto the stage and walks back to the Jeep)
Duane: Okay, let’s go...
Trapper: Brutal
(They drive away rather quickly and quietly.)
Scene 9
(It’s late at night, and Shawn is in his room practicing guitar)
Shawn: Damnit! I can’t play this song right for the life of me, how am I supposed to be some metal prophet if I can’t even play my instrument!?! Ahh, I guess I’ll just keep practicing until it’s ready...
(Shawn puts his face in his palms for a brief moment)
Shawn: Agh, it needs to be done...
Scene 10
(Shawn is standing with his guitar in the crowd at a Bright Eyes concert)
Shawn: This guy’s vocals sound like barn-yard warbling. I don’t know how much longer I can take this.
(Shawn pauses momentarily)
Shawn: Okay, that’s enough.
(Shawn walks on stage and dropkicks the frontman of Bright Eyes and begins yelling)
Shawn: Learn how to sing! Quit treating your fans like crap and dollar signs!
(Lead singer begins crying like a little child)
Shawn: How fitting
(Shawn plugs his guitar into a Mesa Boogie full-stack amp that has just magically appeared on stage and begins playing Ambivalence by Nevermore)
Lead Singer: What is this!?!
Shawn: Integrity

(The tears of the lead singer begin pouring out in unimaginable amounts until his body shrivels in a poof of cheesy, B-movie smoke.)
Shawn: It’s done...
(The crowd snaps out of a trance and begins rioting to get their money back from the ticket booth. Shawn calls Trapper with his cell phone)
Trapper: Where the fuck are you?
Shawn: You cuss a lot, Trapper.
Trapper: Whatever, where are you?
Shawn: I just took care of the last of the three evils. It’s all over, things will start sounding a little better now.
Trapper: Actually...
(Shawn interrupts)
Shawn: Are you trying to tell me that this lame story isn’t done with?
Trapper: Yeah...
Shawn: God damnit
Trapper: It’s done for you, I mean, you already have six pages worth of material, and that’s more than enough to turn in for your assignment.
Shawn: Good point, I’m going now.
(Shawn hangs up, sits in the lead singer’s chair and plays his guitar until the rioting is over.)

[Flint the Dwarf]

Hah. Scene two was pretty good, but Bright Eyes? I'm thinking more along the lines of Nickelback.

[Tono_Fyr]

Hah. Scene two was pretty good, but Bright Eyes? I'm thinking more along the lines of Nickelback.

Shawn has a deep, burning, and everlasting hate for Bright Eyes. There are three things he hates in this world.

Rape. Bright Eyes. And murder. And murder is excusable, like if he had a daughter, and she got raped by a Bright Eyes fan. So yeah.

[Kitsuner]

Insert semi-witty comment about metal here.