As we all know it is widely believed that the assination of Franz Ferdinand;
Seen here rocking out in their usual fashion, is the straw that broke the camel's back and started world war one. Now the real answer to this mystery is not the assassination itself but the reasons surrounding it. You may have heard mention of the powder keg of that era. This is not a metaphore for the political instability in the region at the time, no no no, it was quite litteraly a large wooden barrel filled to the brim with explosive powder. It was this very powder keg that was hidden in the kick drum of Franz Ferdinand and used for the Assassination.
But Why kill Franz Ferdinand? The reason is obvious. It was a plot by the English Royals. Fergie knew that a reign of rock music would not allow her to effectively control the dance floors by singing about her lovely lady lumps, and thus she had to act quickly to destroy the new wave of rock.
I have a transcript of what was said in a secret meeting in a secret location in a secret Buckingham palace.
Fergie: Wot Wot' Dees Rockers be tryin to front my site
Mexican Henchmen: Si
Fergie: I aint stand fo dem mo'her fuckers. We need to cause some shit.
Mexican Henchmen: Si
Fergie: Well What You Standin' der for Go on and rub em out! I NEED TO BE SINGING BOUT ME LUMPS!
Mexican Henchmen: Si Señor
Fergie: Wot! Wot! WOT!
With this outrage at being called a man, fergie removed one of her overly large hoop earings and rammed it up the mexicans ass. A procedure now used to help preform surgery on anal fissures, and is officially known as “Violent anal dialation” but to this very day it's refered to as a “fergalicious” by doctors. In modern days though we use anal lube. England had no anal lube back then due to trade barriers with Greace. But I digress.
The Mexicans built “Montazuma's Revenge” and while posing as dirty roadies snuck the powder keg into Franz Ferdinand's kick drum.
Though this is all facsinating And very important to the real cause of WWI, I have yet to scratch the surface.
We must now travel back in time to the days of King Henry The VIII. Henry the VIII was born in 1491 in the palace of placenta. He took the throne and proceeded to bang hoes like no tomorrow. However as you can see in THIS picture:
King Henry The VIII was one fat ass motherfucker. Contrary to popular belief he did not have his wifes executed. The actually died of asphyxiation under the weight of King Henry VIII, he just had the women beheaded for the publics amusement. The heads would then be auctioned off after and used as highclass ttally organic sex toys. Giving rise to one of King Henry's most famous speeches “Let them get head”. Infact it was not Henry's promiscuity that has anything to do with WWI it's the fact that he's Irish. Being an Irish man Henry was loaded 24/7. He'd had beer, wine, Whisky, bacarrdi, wine coolers, southern comfort, and straight up methanol. He was hardcore. But he wanted variety there was one magical liquer that he had heard of in Irish Children's tales. It comes in silver and gold, and is the finest stuff on the entire earth. It was called “Tequila”. Henry enlisted the help of one man who was known to have god like ship building abilities. Here is the letter Henry sent to the man to get the ship built. I left it it it's original Olde English, so the syntax may be unfamiliar to us modern day folk.Dear Noah,
What up dawg, I heard yo be talkin to god now and shit. You gotta help a nigger out. I be needin a ship to go to Mexico and get me higher than keith richards offa tequila and shit. I hear the got some killer weed. You in nigga? I'mma buy you all the whores your little ship buildin' ass can take. You be shootin air buy the time we gets outta that shit.
Noah of course sent back his quickest messanger with this reply.
Dear Henry,
Yes.
And thus was born the story of noah. Noah was not building a gigantic arc to save the animals, they just needed to keep Henry fed on the road trip to Tijuana Mexico.
Location: Mexico, King Henry had a Margurita made with ice. He like many others before and after him suffered extreme colon evacuation. But this time was different. This was no ordinary man, this was Fuckin' King henry the VIII. As soon as Henry hit the shores of Mexico, he had begun devouring all the local food, and edible items. Taquitos, Tacos, Burritos, Nachos, Refried Beans, Churro, Carne Asada, some platic trinkets a poor little girl was selling, the poor little girl, and some tobacco. All of this food and the spices that went into it created a very special mixture inside the colon of Henry the VIII. So when Henry drank the water, this very special mixture filled up the toilet in Henry and Noa's hotel room, the toilet across the hall, the one at the gas station, and on and on. This effluent made its way (like most things do) to the ocean where it was ingested by a fish. That fish ate another fish, a dolphin ate that fish, a whale ate that dolphin, King Henry ate the whale, pooped it out back into the ocean where it was eaten by another fish, which swam to china and was caught by a young scientist named Tsung Lao.
Now china has always been known for math and shit. When the rest of humanity was throwing poo at eachother, China had already gone to Mars, colonized it, used up the resources, synthasized resources, made nuclear weapons, and destroyed themselves. Unfortuneatly none of the chinese martians could ever come back to tell any of the earth chinese this, because they were all dead. Anyway, China at this time was obsessed with finding the secret to Immortality through watching Full Metal Alchemist. Tsung Lao was one of these alchamests. When prepareing the fish he had just caught, he had noticed a strange material inside its stomach. Tsung lao thought AH HA! This must be the secret ingrediant and he made a note on his ninja info cards. He took but a small amount of this material and put it into his Alchamy pot. After heating up for two hours a massive explosion caused Tsung Lao to go flying back 30 feet. He had just discovered explosions. He would use this power to make action movies. They were wildly sucessfull and Tsung Lao became Jewish and invented Hollywood. In order to keep producing action movies at a high enough rate to satiate the fans of his films, he had a store house built for his explosives.
Seen here.
Not all of the explosive was used, and some of it sat there for centuries, only to be discovered by a bunch of Mexican henchmen. THE VERY SAME MEXICAN HENCHMEN FERGIE HIRED TO DESTROY FRANZ FERDINAND!In conclusion, it is now clear, the real cause of WWI was Henry the VIII's explosive Dieharrea.
