Got any good jokes?

[Hitori]

aahh nuts...

I don't die...

[EarthCurrent]

aahh nuts...

I don't die...

In all my jokes you do.

Hitori walked into a bar.
"Ouch" he said, and died.

[Hitori]

Hitori walked into a bar.
"Ouch" he said, and died.

GOLD!!

[Kamoc]

OmnipotentOlmec: AH
AV2JA: ???
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC IS PLEASED TO SEE SOME AS YOU WHO ARE TALKING LIKE THEY KNOW THE PLACE
AV2JA: ???
OmnipotentOlmec: WHO WOULD THIS FOUL MOUTHED UNDERACHIEVER LIKE TO SPILL?
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC DEMANDS EXPLANATIONS IN THE ALOTTED TIME SLOT OF 50 GRAMS
AV2JA: ???
AV2JA: who r u? ^_^
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC LOSES HIS PATIENCE DEFIANT ONE.
OmnipotentOlmec: ANSWER OLMEC'S PONDERINGS AND HE WILL SPARE YOU RAW MEAT SPANKINGS
OmnipotentOlmec: WELL
OmnipotentOlmec: MAYBE TWO OR THREE
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC HAS TO HAVE SOMETHING OUT OF THE DEAL, YOU SEE
OmnipotentOlmec: BUSINESS IS BUSINESS, BUT WITH OLMEC, IT'S GODLY BUSINESS
OmnipotentOlmec: WHICH MEANS HE GETS A CUT
AV2JA: who is HE?!
AV2JA: I'm found of OmniStrata, nobody is above me... :p
OmnipotentOlmec: YOU SPEAK IN STUPID
AV2JA: and I don't know who j00 are... ^_^
OmnipotentOlmec: AH, OLMEC KIDS!
OmnipotentOlmec: IT IS GRANDMA
OmnipotentOlmec: OLME
OmnipotentOlmec: ER
AV2JA: hmm...
OmnipotentOlmec: GRANDMA WANTS TO KNOW WHY YOU KEEP WARNING HER
OmnipotentOlmec: YOU GET NO QUILTED SWEATER
AV2JA: don't need one...
OmnipotentOlmec: WELL THAT JUST MAKES GRANDMA MAD
AV2JA signed off at 4:38:27 AM.
OmnipotentOlmec: YOU MEAN TO TELL OLMEC THAT HER SWEATERS WERE NOT GREAT?
Previous message was not received by AV2JA because of error: User AV2JA is not available.
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC DAMN IT


OmnipotentOlmec: AHA!
OmnipotentOlmec: THE SPICELESS ONE
OmnipotentOlmec: TELL OLMEC
IAmHitori: who the..?
OmnipotentOlmec: IS IT GOOD THE WAY THINGS WORK OUT FOR YOU?
IAmHitori: OLMEC GOD... O_o
OmnipotentOlmec: AHA, SO YOU HAVE HEARD THE WISENESS OF THE ONES WHO ARE BEING OLMEC WHO IS ONLY ONE PERSON WHICH MEANS YOU ARE LYING?
OmnipotentOlmec: IF THIS IS TRUE, IT'S TO THE VAULT OF SNAKES WITH YOU
OmnipotentOlmec: AND NOT THE GOOD SNAKES
IAmHitori: i'm lying my bed
IAmHitori: ^_^
OmnipotentOlmec: ARE THERE SNAKES?
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC CAN ARRANGE THAT.
IAmHitori: snakes.. no..
OmnipotentOlmec: IF YOU GET OLMEC'S DRIFT
OmnipotentOlmec: HUWAH HA HA
IAmHitori: *doesn't row my boat in that direction..
OmnipotentOlmec: WELL, IS YOUR BOAT MAKE OUT OF CASTANIAN BOARDS?
OmnipotentOlmec: IF NOT, OLMEC STRONGLY ADVISES NEW RIVERMATES
OmnipotentOlmec: AS THEY COULD TURN THE TIDE OF WAR
OmnipotentOlmec: SHALL WE SAY
OmnipotentOlmec: WARM
OmnipotentOlmec: AND FULL OF SCORPIONS!
IAmHitori: Oh yes.. tide of war scorpions oh wow
IAmHitori: never again
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC DEMANDS THAT YOU LIE ON YOUR BED
IAmHitori: i'm soo naked right now!!
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC WOULD BECOME HARD TO YOU SAYING THAT, BUT SEEING AS HOW OLMEC IS A ROCK, HE SHALL BECOME MORE LIKE NIKELODEON'S GAK
OmnipotentOlmec: WHICH IS ON SALE FOR 2.99 AT YOUR LOCAL THRIFT STORE
OmnipotentOlmec: THAT'S IN MARKS, NOT DOLLARS YOU
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC JUST DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE MARK SYMBOL ON HIS MACK CHINE
IAmHitori: 2.99
IAmHitori: i've seen it for 1.50
IAmHitori: in marks
IAmHitori: *you got robbed
OmnipotentOlmec: WELL THEN, IT MUST BE THE TRANSFER RATE
IAmHitori: *puts clothes back on..
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC CANNOT BE ROBBED
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC IS A GOD
OmnipotentOlmec: HE PUSHES FILTHY HEATHENS AWAY WITH SUCH FORCE AS TO MAKE THEM BLIND AND KNOCK OFF ALL THEIR CLOTHING
IAmHitori: CEMLO SI A DOG
IAmHitori: but mine is still on.. so you suck as a god
IAmHitori:
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC TAKES THE SUNGLASS-WEARING SMILEY FACE AS A DIRECT THREAT AND WILL NOW EMIT FLAMING GUITAR STRINGS FROM HIS OH-SO-HAIRY CHEST
OmnipotentOlmec: HU HA!
OmnipotentOlmec: DO BATTLE ALMIGHTY CADAVERS
IAmHitori: oh god.. hair.. i hate hair...
OmnipotentOlmec: THEN YOU SHOULD BE ABLIGED TO WATCH ME, OLMEC, RIP IF FROM YOUR VERY CHEST
IAmHitori: i prefer women without chest hair...
IAmHitori: go away monkey
OmnipotentOlmec: THAT IS WHY YOU ARE NOT A GOD
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC IS A GOD, AND THUS PREFERS HAIR
OmnipotentOlmec: HAVE YE NOT HEARD OF 'ANGEL HAIR PASTA'?
OmnipotentOlmec: TIS A SIN IN THE EYES OF GOD
OmnipotentOlmec: WHO IS ME
IAmHitori: who is you? you are no god
OmnipotentOlmec: YOU DEFY GOD WITH YOUR WITCH BLADE OF CONDATIO!
OmnipotentOlmec: LET US DO COMBAT IN THE STYLE OF CLOUDS AND OTHER FRILY, GIRL-LIKE OBJECTS
IAmHitori: Condito? at Saritos with the Chaquitos in quesadias?
OmnipotentOlmec: YOU SPEAK THE DEVIL'S TONGUE
OmnipotentOlmec: OUT FOUL DEMON!
IAmHitori: =P
IAmHitori: :-P:-P:-P:-P:-P:-P:-P:-P:-P:-P
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC SHALL SMOTE THEE WITH POWERS THAT ARE NOT UNLIKE THE SPY KIDS FROM THE FANTASTIC HOLLYWOOD MOVIES
OmnipotentOlmec: NAMELY BECAUSE OLMEC'S WATCH DOESN'T TELL TIME
OmnipotentOlmec: RATHER
OmnipotentOlmec: IT KICKS TONS OF ASS
IAmHitori signed off at 4:51:33 AM.
IAmHitori signed on at 4:51:38 AM.
OmnipotentOlmec: YE ARE A SLUTTY ONE!
IAmHitori: slots? i play slots
IAmHitori: good stuff
IAmHitori: *made a few bucks in Vegas
IAmHitori: ^_^
OmnipotentOlmec: DOES IAMHITORI WANT SNACKS FOR SUCH A FEET?
OmnipotentOlmec: OR SHALL OLMEC CONTINUE TO PRETEND HE GIVES A FARTISOU'S ASS
IAmHitori: *spent the money on some good hookers
OmnipotentOlmec: WHICH IS GOLDEN LIKE THE EMERALD ENCRUSTED DIAMOND LIONS IN OLMEC'S BATHROOM
IAmHitori: oh yes real good ones
OmnipotentOlmec: AH HA!
OmnipotentOlmec: IN THIS CASE, OLMEC WOULD'VE ALERTED THE POLICE, BUT SINCE HE IS A GOD, THERE IS NO NEED
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC WATCHES YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
OmnipotentOlmec: THAT IS WHY WHEN YOU WAKE UP
IAmHitori: *the hookers were friends of mine
IAmHitori: ^_^
OmnipotentOlmec: YOU HAVE WEIRD STUFF IN YOUR MOUTH
IAmHitori: wired stuff?
OmnipotentOlmec: THEY SAY IT IS PLAQUE, BUT DO NOT TRUST WITCH DOCTORS
IAmHitori: i wire stuff in my house
IAmHitori: i have a computer lan system
IAmHitori: very high tech
OmnipotentOlmec: AH YES
OmnipotentOlmec: THEY SHOULD MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT YOU THEN
IAmHitori: it's already been done
OmnipotentOlmec: "HOME ALONE 12"
IAmHitori: it's called Cheech and Chong's Nice Dreams
IAmHitori: watch it sometime
IAmHitori: good stuff
OmnipotentOlmec: BAH, YOU FLATTER YOURSELF
OmnipotentOlmec: WITH RAGIN' CAGIN' SAUCE
OmnipotentOlmec: THAT STUFF MAKES OLMEC'S EYES WATER
IAmHitori:
OmnipotentOlmec: AND SEEING AS HOW OLMEC IS STONE
OmnipotentOlmec: SUCH THINGS ARE NOT BENEFICIAL TO OLMEC
IAmHitori: OLMEC i remember that name!! it was on that Nickelodeon show a while back
IAmHitori: you were cool back then.. what's happening to you now?
OmnipotentOlmec: MID-LIFE CRISIS AND A BOX OF CAPN CRUNCH
IAmHitori: oh..
IAmHitori: sounds.. bad..
IAmHitori: *stupid rocks... they get old quick..
OmnipotentOlmec: OH
OmnipotentOlmec: YOU SHOULD SEE HOW SEX WORKS WHEN YOU'RE 102048897892737894
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC'S DICK BROKE OFF AT 1902384890
OmnipotentOlmec: ON THE NIGHT OF CHRISTMAS, NO DOUBT
IAmHitori: that sucks hard.. LOL
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC COPED HOWEVER, HE JUST GROUND IT UP AND PUT IT IN SOME YOUNG CHILD'S ENLARGED SOCK
OmnipotentOlmec: BECAUSE HE WAS A NAUGHTY LITTLE BASTARD
OmnipotentOlmec: SOLD OLMEC NIKELODEON GAK FOR 2.99
IAmHitori: no lump of coal?
IAmHitori: lol
OmnipotentOlmec: WHAT'S WORSE
IAmHitori: see.. you did get cheated
IAmHitori: you liar
IAmHitori: LOL
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC IS NOT A PIECE OF MEAT
IAmHitori: lol
IAmHitori: and this is coming from a big rock.. LOL
OmnipotentOlmec: HE DOES NOT LISTEN TO SHANAYA TWAIN IN HIS GARAGE WITH THREE HOT DOGS AND A GLASS OF MOUNTAIN DEW IN THE NEARBY LAWN CHAIR WHILE I'M TRYING TO FIX THE CARBORATOR ON THE PYTHON
IAmHitori: *sounds like billy joe next door
IAmHitori: that couldn't be...
IAmHitori: O_o
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC HAS TO GO
IAmHitori: tha'ts you Olmec?
IAmHitori: woah
OmnipotentOlmec: NO
IAmHitori: oh and god has to leave.. yeah sure...
OmnipotentOlmec: HE DOES
IAmHitori: leave when you want.. because your god..
OmnipotentOlmec: HIS CHICKEN IS BURNING
IAmHitori: blah blah blah..
IAmHitori: never again
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC HAS NO TIME FOR THIS, THE SMOKE HAS REACHED HIS ROCK-HARD LUNGS
IAmHitori: you're a bad god for letting your cock burn
IAmHitori: LOL
OmnipotentOlmec: YOU LAUGH, YEST IT HAPPEN TO YOU
OmnipotentOlmec: OR LEST
IAmHitori: oh man!! score!! LOL
IAmHitori: LOL
OmnipotentOlmec: WHICHEVER SOUNDS GODLIER
IAmHitori: yest lest!! LOL
OmnipotentOlmec: DON'T LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW EITHER
IAmHitori: There's nothing out my window
IAmHitori: LOL
IAmHitori: i have no windows in this room
OmnipotentOlmec: THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULDN'T LOOK
OmnipotentOlmec: AHA!
IAmHitori: ?
OmnipotentOlmec: SLUTTARY!
IAmHitori: shouldn't you get your cock off the fire?
IAmHitori: LOL
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC'S COCK IS GODLY
OmnipotentOlmec: AND MADE OF ROCK
OmnipotentOlmec: SO DON'T PISS HIM OFF
OmnipotentOlmec: OR HE'LL THROW IT AT YOU
IAmHitori: and you said it fell apart.. LOL
OmnipotentOlmec: IT COMES BACK LIKE A FRISBEE
IAmHitori: frisbees don't come back... stupid
OmnipotentOlmec: OLMEC IS SORRY
OmnipotentOlmec: HE MEANT AN AUSTRALIA
IAmHitori: Boomerang?

[Hitori]

Dude.. Kamoc... Why did you post this again?

[MistyCaldwell]

It's not exactly a joke (they are true news bits) but some pretty funny stuff can be found in the news of the weird columns

http://www.uexpress.com/newsoftheweird/

[[AV] ChOjIn 69]

Well since I'm too lazy to go into the chat room...I'll just write my joke in the traditional paragraph format:

One day a guy dies and go to heaven. When he reaches the pearly gates, Saint Peter offers him the grand tour of heaven, which he graciously accepts. Midway through the tour, they come upon a room full of clocks. The odd thing about these clocks are that they all have one hand and are all turning at different rates. The guy notices this and asks Saint Peter about it.

Saint Peter: Oh those are masturbation clocks, whenever some one on Earth masturbates, the hand does one full rotation.
Guy: Really? In that case, show me <random org member's> clock
Saint Peter: Oh that one? Its right over there. <points to a one on the far left wall that rotates occasionally>
Guy: How about MJ's clock?
Saint Peter: Its over there. <points to one in the middle of the room where all the faster spinning clocks are>
Guy: How about AV2JA's clock?
Saint Peter: Oh THAT one...Its in Hell, Satan's using it as a fan.

[AznRAVEr1022]

hahaha, thats a good one

There were 3 guys who got stranded on an island after their ship wrecked, so they went around the area to look for food and supplies. Upon there excursion they came across a tribe who happen to be cannibals. The 3 men begged for their lives, so the chief of the tribe said, "you must go, one by one, into the jungle and return 3 of one kind of fruit." So the 3 men go into different parts of the jungle to look for some fruit.

The first man comes back with 3 apples. The chief said, "Now you must stick all 3 apples up your ass without making any facial expressions. Desperate for his life, the man unwillingly does so. he gets to the 2nd apple and cant take anymore, so they kill him and he goes up into heaven.

The second man comes back with 3 cherries. The chief said, "Now you must stick all 3 cherries up your ass with making any facial expressions. Thw man unwillingly does so. He gets to the last cherry, but all of a sudden bursts out into laughter, so the chief kills him and he goes to heaven.

While in heaven, the first man comes up to him and says, "Hey man, you were at the last one! why did you start laughing?!"

The guy says, "I couldnt help it... I saw the last guy come back with some pineapples."

[OmniStrata]

Well since I'm too lazy to go into the chat room...I'll just write my joke in the traditional paragraph format:

One day a guy dies and go to heaven. When he reaches the pearly gates, Saint Peter offers him the grand tour of heaven, which he graciously accepts. Midway through the tour, they come upon a room full of clocks. The odd thing about these clocks are that they all have one hand and are all turning at different rates. The guy notices this and asks Saint Peter about it.

Saint Peter: Oh those are masturbation clocks, whenever some one on Earth masturbates, the hand does one full rotation.
Guy: Really? In that case, show me <random org member's> clock
Saint Peter: Oh that one? Its right over there. <points to a one on the far left wall that rotates occasionally>
Guy: How about MJ's clock?
Saint Peter: Its over there. <points to one in the middle of the room where all the faster spinning clocks are>
Guy: How about AV2JA's clock?
Saint Peter: Oh THAT one...Its in Hell, Satan's using it as a fan.

I should fucking shoot you!!!

[OmniStrata]

hahaha, thats a good one

There were 3 guys who got stranded on an island after their ship wrecked, so they went around the area to look for food and supplies. Upon there excursion they came across a tribe who happen to be cannibals. The 3 men begged for their lives, so the chief of the tribe said, "you must go, one by one, into the jungle and return 3 of one kind of fruit." So the 3 men go into different parts of the jungle to look for some fruit.

The first man comes back with 3 apples. The chief said, "Now you must stick all 3 apples up your ass without making any facial expressions. Desperate for his life, the man unwillingly does so. he gets to the 2nd apple and cant take anymore, so they kill him and he goes up into heaven.

The second man comes back with 3 cherries. The chief said, "Now you must stick all 3 cherries up your ass with making any facial expressions. Thw man unwillingly does so. He gets to the last cherry, but all of a sudden bursts out into laughter, so the chief kills him and he goes to heaven.

While in heaven, the first man comes up to him and says, "Hey man, you were at the last one! why did you start laughing?!"

The guy says, "I couldnt help it... I saw the last guy come back with some pineapples."

WHOA, that joke sounds awfully familiar ^_^

Continuing onward...

Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks...
[ok seriously now...]

Here, a nun, a rabbi, and an umpire walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this a joke?"
[ok for REAL now...]

One person is playing a piano in a bar as a newcomer arrives... He sits down by the bar. The piano player stops playing and approaches him. Sits next to him. The piano player says,
"Hey, wanna know a little secret?"
"No" was the response.
"I bet that if you can be granted any wish you wanted, you'd want to know..."

The newcomer says, "HOW?!"
The piano player says, "ok, in the back of this bar there's an alley. In that alley is an old beer bottle that's shining for unknown reasons. Touch the bottle and a genie inside will appear. She will grant you 1 wish..."
"WOOHOO!" and the newcomer runs to the back of the bar into its alley.
And yes, there, atop a few broken crates stood a shining golden beer bottle. He touched the bottle and it began to shake and spin. Suddenly "POOF", a super hot genie appeared! She spoke,
"I will grant you one wish..."
The newcomer yells frantically, GIVE ME 1 MILLION BUCKS!!! Suddenly, it's raining and quacking 1 million ducks all around the alley!
"What the hell?!" he yells.
"One wish down, no more to go, no refunds..."
"DAMN........." he runs back into the bar....
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WIT YOU! THAT GENIE IS A FRAUD..."
"wait a sec said the piano player, look at this..." He pulls out a small miniature Steinway out of his jacket complete with its own little piano player who begins to play nice music.
"Hey, that's neat!" said the still angry newcomer. "SO WHAT?!"
"Hey dude, don't yell at me, I didn't wish for a 12 inch pianist..."


and...

A millionare spots a poor bum on the side of the street. The bum is confused at his dilemma since it seemed that he worked so hard during his life and the millionare didn't. The bum yells at the millionare,
"How'd you get so rich so easily?" The millionare speaks,
"I'll tell you. Go out to the middle of Lake Michigan and you'll find a cave. Within that cave is a chamber where whatever you ask for will be brought to you..."
The bum takes this into account. He steals a fast boat from the harbor and runs down to the center of the Lake. By the time he gets there, he spots it. The "cave"...
Inside the cave, it was exactly as the millionare had described it. He looks up at the large hole in the ceiling and says, "GIVE ME SEVERAL HUNDRED THOUSAND GOLD COINS!!!"
"SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" the coins rained down on the boat hitting both him and the boat's surfaces.
"WOOHOO I'M RICH RICH!!!" The boat however starts to sink...
"It doesn't matter." said the former bum, I"ll come back later ^_^ He starts bailing his gold coins off the boat to make the boat lighter. After a while he realized, the rain of gold isn't stopping and he slips and falls...
"AW SHIT!!!" SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT! The poor bum gets buried in shit...
"NO WAIT! STOP THE COINS!!!" And just as quickly, the shit and coins stop raining on the hapless idiot.
"Geez, what I need is a MUCH bigger boat..."

One week later in the newspaper, the headline reads, "UNFORTUNATE BUM CRUSHED BY UNKNOWN SOURCE. Body found in Lake Michigan's interior..."