a place unnoticed
crystals dance around my floor
show there's something more
hiding behind an old red carpet
there leads a door
where this leads i do not no
somewhere else im only guessing so
is this what i've been looking for
its been hiding right beneath me
where is this going to lead me
walking across silver sand
a sound of water falling
is this another world
i dance my toes gracefully
across the silky shinning sea
the sound of laughter can be heard
all around me, am i being attacked
someone save, me keep me safe
keep me from a discarded race
don't let me fall, don't push away
keep me safe, hold me close
the wind feels wrong
and there's this song
a melody drawing me
do i no this melody
do i remember a time alone
far away long ago
things my heart used to know
things i wish to remember
just the sounds of crystals nothing more
i turn around and there i see
a girl who is tied up to see
a beautiful girl, who looked to be killed
nothing left anymore
why does this all seem like a memory
i run away back to the water fall
and i hear someone cry out my name
its that girl but how?
tell me what ya think
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DaggerDust26
- Joined: Sat May 24, 2003 5:45 pm
- Location: new york
- Contact:
tell me what ya think
Last kiss-"in the heat of the night, you hold my body tight,
in the heat of the night, you crest something,
that never felt right"
Waterfalls-"the tear drop falls, into a pool of sweet serenity"
in the heat of the night, you crest something,
that never felt right"
Waterfalls-"the tear drop falls, into a pool of sweet serenity"
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Sephiroth98
- Joined: Sat Dec 28, 2002 7:22 pm
- Location: Midgar
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Flint the Dwarf
- Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2002 6:58 pm
- Location: Ashland, WI
Decent. Bad mechanics and a pretty overdone theme...
That's what I'd say if I were a poetry critic. But as someone who doesn't want to hurt your feelings... whoa
deep......how old are you??
Good points: Nice word choice and good imagery. That's your strong point. If you want to improve, either get rid of rhyme and focus on flow and meter or make sure that there is consistent rhyme with flow.
Also, try to avoid clichéd metaphors and similes.
That's what I'd say if I were a poetry critic. But as someone who doesn't want to hurt your feelings... whoa
deep......how old are you?? Good points: Nice word choice and good imagery. That's your strong point. If you want to improve, either get rid of rhyme and focus on flow and meter or make sure that there is consistent rhyme with flow.
Also, try to avoid clichéd metaphors and similes.Kusoyaro: We don't need a leader. We need to SHUT UP. Make what you want to make, don't make you what you don't want to make. If neither of those applies to you, then you need to SHUT UP MORE.
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DaggerDust26
- Joined: Sat May 24, 2003 5:45 pm
- Location: new york
- Contact:
lol thank u!!! first off im only 16 been writing since a break up(long story very were hurt 
DOWN WITH LOVE!) yea well i actually kinda made it because i was listening to a song. the songs called 'once upon a december' its from anastatia disney(it really isnt but thats where u can find it). my sister played it to em and then i really liked it so i burnt it and basically the begining got me to write. its all these pretty twinkle sounds and it makes me think of crystals.
next feel free to give pointers, im not a person who crys over being critiqued. besides i really like writing so i dont mind learning what im doing wrong(plus the fact that no one i no is really good at writing poems so they cant help me except 'its good' or 'it sounds so sad' eh all well)
DOWN WITH LOVE!) yea well i actually kinda made it because i was listening to a song. the songs called 'once upon a december' its from anastatia disney(it really isnt but thats where u can find it). my sister played it to em and then i really liked it so i burnt it and basically the begining got me to write. its all these pretty twinkle sounds and it makes me think of crystals. next feel free to give pointers, im not a person who crys over being critiqued. besides i really like writing so i dont mind learning what im doing wrong(plus the fact that no one i no is really good at writing poems so they cant help me except 'its good' or 'it sounds so sad' eh all well)
Last kiss-"in the heat of the night, you hold my body tight,
in the heat of the night, you crest something,
that never felt right"
Waterfalls-"the tear drop falls, into a pool of sweet serenity"
in the heat of the night, you crest something,
that never felt right"
Waterfalls-"the tear drop falls, into a pool of sweet serenity"
-
Flint the Dwarf
- Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2002 6:58 pm
- Location: Ashland, WI
My advice: Don't let music be the inspiration to write. That's the best way to fall into clichés. And since you're 16, I won't bug you about correct mechanics.
Kusoyaro: We don't need a leader. We need to SHUT UP. Make what you want to make, don't make you what you don't want to make. If neither of those applies to you, then you need to SHUT UP MORE.