Movie Review - xXx

[Kamoc]

Hey Sanka, ya dead?

Follow any unorthodox sport and you’ll get several forms of entertainment spawned therein; skateboarding had Tony Hawk games and naughty back-door footstivals of ingenious jackasses busting their heads on elevators who happened to know a guy who had a camera AND knew where the ‘On’ button was (they always blend in with the other buttons); bicycling had flashy woodland expos on ESPN where bikers would find downright witty ways to crash into something other than the millions of trees surrounding them; hunting had The Wild Thornberries and Tony Danza; parachuting had The Three Ninjas trilogy; and tricycle racing/boxing had Rollerball. Smash all of these great media together along with a hint of James Bond/Spy Kids and you’ll get something along the lines of xXx.

Imagine, if you will, a nude beach. All of the well-built/well-tuned people you’re most likely to see on a Bowflex commercial claiming that their favorite exercise is the “leg curls, tee hee!” represent good movies. Now, imagine a fat, giant gay guy just started jumping in front of you. xXx is not the man himself, but rather the sound of his testicles slapping against his thick legs. If there’s one thing xXx has taught me, it’s to never have faith in our film industry. If you do, then the fat man’s name is Charlie and he likes tacos. He doesn’t drown. Dear lord, why won’t he drown.

Look, I can take action movies. Some of them are even really cool; movies like The Adventures of Pluto Nash score a totally awesome 11 out of 10 on my “Spring Break Fuckin’ RULES” meter; but there’s a point where action just doesn’t cut the preverbal Skip-it. That point for me was when the film’s main character “XXX” (Dope Sticky) managed to land on a barn with a motorcycle while being chased by a helicopter. Think that’s enough action? Neither did the producer, who managed to salvage the almost completely un-actionful scene by making the barn explode for no apparent reason. Thank God for explosions and their ability to explode!

I don’t know if that was a spoiler or not, but I should probably take it out of this review since the film doesn’t have anything coherent to hold plot to besides blatant and repetitive action scenes; the storyline has been downgraded to simply “reasons to ‘splode stuff up”. The only thing you’ll get out of the movie will be the several subliminal advertisements strewn throughout it. From a shiny new Ford Excursion that crack dealers purchased in the middle of Guam to the Sony VAIO’s laptop-logo being repeatedly slapped in your face, you’ll be in for one hell of a time! And we all know that the best time is Rolex™ time!

Well, with what I do know about the plot, someone’s a spy and he got shot at a wedding. His best man was a special operative for the Guamish police, and the cake was delicious.

I don’t know of any other movie that would begin with several German guys screaming at you to “bang bang”, but xXx did a great job introducing this new medium of exhibition. So great in fact that the people dancing to the German screaming witnessed a man get shot on stage and proceeded to mosh his dead body. Triple X-treme!

Despite popular views, the acting in xXx is quite good. When a barrel explodes, everyone acts so realistically to it (in slow-motion, no less). When a house explodes, most actors let out a believable “Oh, shit”. When the neighbor’s cat explodes, XXX dives for cover with such enthusiasm that it’s hard to believe that this was the same guy who just said “The things I do for my country” to a hooker while she was having an epileptic seizure on his bed post. Even Chad Muska and Tony Hawk’s “Hey man, we gotta get out here”’s were semi-believable.

Now, according to one of the earlier scenes in the movie, it’s quite alright to take game-haters’ cars and throw them off a bridge just to parachute to the ground soon thereafter. I believe some people are taking Mario Party 43 a little to seriously. And don’t expect any mercy from the Banjo Kazooie elite either; they’ll douse your face in gasoline and get an anthropomorphic bird to perform trapeze acts off of it.

Technology is rampant throughout the film just about as much as the flamboyant Filipino crotch-fighting. Cars with ejection seats and flamethrowers, helicopters with ejectable blades, and even band-aids that can blow through walls make their appearances throughout the course of xXx. This goes to show that if little Timmy gets a boo-boo, watch out; he might EXPLODE. But still, there’s on thing that bothers me about this “Inspector Gadget’s a whore” machinery; in the film, the character that supplies XXX with high-def tech made a pair of goggles that can see through clothes like something that’s easily seen through.. session paper I guess. But when they used it to peep at some ladies with guns (which was pretty stupid to do in the first place), they see up to the bra and panties. Aren’t those clothes too? What happened to the world when we can’t even have nudity in bad movies? Pornography was the only thing xXx could’ve done right, and they screwed it up royal; even Kangaroo Jack could’ve been made better using this method (despite it’s already impressive amount of sex scenes).

All in all, xXx scores 2 X’s on my XXXXX meter; with each X being a small puppy out of a possible 10 puppies, which have to be converted to ¾’s of a puppy to register on the battery values. Maybe it’s 3/5’s of a battery to get an X, I’m not quite sure. I haven’t figured out the whole “This movie is very bad” scale yet. I do want to recommend xXx to people on search engines though; switching letters to make real words can get very annoying when trying to find more about movies.

[buddykiller]

hmmm, i realy liked that movie...