Relationship advice request

Chaos Angel · Post by **Chaos Angel** » Tue Jan 07, 2003 2:19 am

I have been having problems with my girlfriend lately, and I'm beginning to wonder whether or not staying together is a good idea. Let me give some background. We've known each other for about five months now, since last semester began. She is my second girlfriend (the first one I don't like to talk about). Although we have not had sex per se, we have fooled around some.

The problem is this. We have personalities that really clash badly sometimes. She loves to go out to clubs and bars and kick it, I don't really mind, but I'd be just as comfortable, maybe more so, staying at home and mucking around on the computer, or watching TV. She loves doing crazy, spur-of-the-moment pontaneous adventures such as going to Chicago for the weekend at the drop of a hat, I over analyze everything and I hate when stuff just pops up out of the blue. One day, she wants a house with all kinds of pretty, fancy stuff laying around, I'd love just having a small house that I can take care of by myself, without too much extraneous crap floating around. She's extravagant, I'm simplistic. She loves dressing up and looking her best at all times, I prefer to just throw on whatever as long as the colors don't clash too badly. (Here's the big one) she loves to spend money on whatever will make her happy, regardless of how much it costs; spending money makes me nervous and I hate doing it, even for necessities. Having little to no money (like I do now thanks to New Years) frightens me and makes me feel sick. She just doesn't worry about it. She says she's sick and tired of having to practically beg me to go do anything fun. I'm a stay-at-home, nigh-domestic type, she's a go-out-and-tear-up-the-town type. She's tried to get me to change, and I've told her I'd try, but the truth is I don't want to change. I want her to accept me the way I am, not try to make me someone I'm not. When we hang out together, I always enjoy talking with her, she's a great conversationalist. And although we haven't had sex, as I have said before (I'm a virgin, BTW), I have gone down on her and... well, I don't care to go into detail here. I'm very attracted to her physically, and I love spending time talking with her, hanging out, and just being with her.

My concern is that, although we click well and I love being with her, lately our personality clashes are getting bigger and bigger. It's reached a point where I'm beginning to seriously examine the long-term possibilities of our relationship. If we clash this badly now, what about when we've been together for awhile? I want her to be happy, but lately I've begun to wonder if what makes her happy will make me miserable. I don't want to be a selfish bastard (more so than I am...), but if I'm miserable, what would be the point?

I'm thinking of telling her when I go back to college this Saturday that I want to break up while we can still be friends before we clash so badly we can't stand to even look at each other. I simply don't know if a relationship between us can really work out long term, and she's said the same thing as well. I'm stubborn, and I don't really want to change who I am. I have a hard enough time knowing myself by myself without having someone else try and change that fact. But, I would like to hear from a different viewpoint. Sometimes, you can see things more clearly from beyond the gate than you can from inside it, and I want to try and get that outside perspective here.

What do you think?

KhayotiK · Post by **KhayotiK** » Tue Jan 07, 2003 2:41 am

You should always try what she wants to do, but only to an extent. If you have gone with her on her expeditions, and you don't like it, then fuck it. There's no reason to completely change yourself over if you're not going to be happy. If it makes you feel bad to make her feel good, then why destroy any chance of being happy? People do change, though, and if she decides to drop her wild side a little bit and be more reasonable with her spendings down the line, then maybe then? I personally don't believe that you should do so many things for her if she's not willing to do the same back. It's a mutual thing, and if she's not keeping up with her end by keeping YOU happy, along with herself being happy, then don't bother. You're doing the right decision, as far as I can tell.

akatoro · Post by **akatoro** » Tue Jan 07, 2003 4:59 am

Sorry to hear that, Chaos Angel.
But it also sort of sounds like you complete eachother.
However I do not have any help to give you, since I can't control myself at the moment.

*Starts suckling his paw in deep thought*

I wish you and your girlfriend good luck.

MistyCaldwell · Post by **MistyCaldwell** » Tue Jan 07, 2003 6:30 am

You are just kids right? ^_^ (20 year olds and under are kids to me)

Let me tell you guys a little something. The person you are now as a teen..or a young adult is not who you are going to be in 5 years. You may retain a lot of th same things, but when you do a change of scene by either going to college or just getting a job and moving out on your own, you do change.

People who get together young and stay that way amaze me. Even if you are a perfect match for someone now as a young person...in a little while that changes even if you are with them everyday. Priorities change and in a way...the real you starts to come out. And that different person may want different things.

It's that way until you are in your mid to late 20's I imagine. Look back now, do you care about/want all the same things you did 5 years ago?

You pretty much already know what you want to do. What I say is that over time you will still change a bit and so will she. You may not clash as much this time next year...but by then (if you move apart now) then the gap will be more than just your personalities.

I think by all means you should stay really friendly and plan your spring break to be with her now if she doesn't mind. Give your relationship something to look forward to if you aren't planning on breaking up this weekend. That will make correspondence easier in the meantime but don't pressure her to do it.

Is that something you still want? If not then go ahead and ask her what she wants to do before you suggest breaking up. Since you are already partially prepared for it, then it won't hurt too much if she says that is best. But if she wants to be more than friends by email still...then that can't be a bad thing right?

Ashton · Post by **Ashton** » Tue Jan 07, 2003 7:56 am

MistyCaldwell wrote:You are just kids right? ^_^ (20 year olds and under are kids to me)

Let me tell you guys a little something. The person you are now as a teen..or a young adult is not who you are going to be in 5 years. You may retain a lot of th same things, but when you do a change of scene by either going to college or just getting a job and moving out on your own, you do change.

What about me? Im only 17, but I live away from my parents, hell, I live away from my country. Does that mean Im changed?

Answer sheat, check your answers when you are done:
1: no

akatoro · Post by **akatoro** » Tue Jan 07, 2003 8:23 am

My Girlfriend is 21 and I'm only 18 XD
I'm so cool! X)

MistyCaldwell · Post by **MistyCaldwell** » Tue Jan 07, 2003 8:54 am

Ashton wrote:What about me? Im only 17, but I live away from my parents, hell, I live away from my country. Does that mean Im changed?

In a few years, you will be exactly like you are today? I think not...not like a expect you to understand yet

Eurononymous · Post by **Eurononymous** » Tue Jan 07, 2003 5:12 pm

First off, Im 65. So you are ALL young. Second off, I am a transvestite, so I know both sexes ( i think).
Now for your problem. Sounds like you need a bit oh poon tang to keep you both keen. Bring in another woman into your relationship. Make it a suprise. Tie up your girl, put her in your bed, and make the other girl whip her while throwing fudge brownies at the walls. It will break the ice smoothly. From there, let the mojo flow like diarrhea. It will burn and make ploppy noise, but at the end, you will feel emptied.

HellBlazer · Post by **HellBlazer** » Tue Jan 07, 2003 7:00 pm

Mariah Ketchum · Post by **Mariah Ketchum** » Tue Jan 07, 2003 7:51 pm

*cough*

*blink* Ahem, anyway. The old saying about oppisites attracting is true. You talk about her accepitng you, but have you accepted her? A relationship is not 50/50. It's both members giving their absolute best, even if it's not 100%. And the other person has to pick up the slack. Instead of breaking up, why don't you try and take a break from each other. That will help put things into perspective. I can't give you a yea or nea here buddy. You have to find your own anwsers. If you decide she is too wild and too controling (that's what it sounds like to me, but I could be wrong) it's up to you to deal with that gracefully. Try and be honest with her if already haven't. Tell her what bothers you. If there is no communication there, the relationship is pretty much dead if no one speakes up.