A poem

[lloyd9988]

I wrote this not too long ago... I was thinking since I post most of my literary works on other sites, I might as well post one here as well. Some people like it, so I guess I'm just seeing if you guys might like it too. So, without further adieu, here's something that you will not use sometime in the near future:

Spoiler :

Requiem For Nathaniel Price:

Feelings swayed;
Paths crossed, betrayed.
Must I, the preacher;
Bear the sins of war?

We torched, we trembled;
We humped our hides over the rubble.
Only I escaped Congo;
My friends, left dead and assembled.

How must I feel?
The man who preaches of peaceful afterlife.
Safe and sound;
While other men buried to the ground.

It was I who was suppose to pray for their safe return;
It was my responsibility to pray for their heaven.
It was my duty to follow them to the grave;
Instead, I left those men for dead!

How was I to feel;
Knowing my family was safe?
How was I to feel;
Knowing of other families mourning?

Finally, my life was destined;
Pre-determined.
My family, weak and frail;
They could not live on without me.

Though as happy as we may seem;
My family must leave me.
Despise and scorn my wretched birth;
They will learn to grow strong on their own.

My life must perish in Congo;
Where my family will desert me.
There is no future here with me;
For I am a ghost, pleading for death.

Yet, why am I not the first to die?
Why must my youngest be the first to fly?!
Her innocence shined brightest among my children;
Her faith never to be wavered.

My youngest;
Saddened and dead.
I loved all my daughters equally;
Yet, Ruth May, may I ever be forgiven??

In Congo, being the lonely outcast is depressing;
Driving my family away with my mental instability.
I could not mourn for my child’s death yet;
I had to prove to my family once and for all that I was insane.

I can’t cry;
I must drive them away.
They will run, and God shall protect them;
For they are only victims of a tainted father.

Am I pitiful?
No. I am not the man to be pitied.
I left my men to die without salvation;
I led my youngest to her demise.

My child, buried;
My mind, decaying.
Slowly, a village is turning against me;
Slowly, my hunger continues to devour me.

One last act;
I must act!
Baptism;
It’s my only means to repent!

Into the river;
Into the mouths!
Those children;
Crucified!

Drive me out;
Drive me to the cross!
Char my body;
Let it burn!

God was never here;
God left me when I left my men!
I could only repent;
So I begged God to save a soul.

Save my darling, Ruth May;
Send me to grave!
Save my Darling, Ruth May;
Burn me to the cross!

She was never baptized;
God, please baptize my little angel!
She is innocent beyond compare;
While I live, pleading for death.

My soul came to Congo;
Wishing to cleanse my ghost!
Yet, I failed to understand;
In this place, my soul was banned.

Nostalgic as it may seem;
With the roars and tongues of angry men.
I feel at peace knowing;
They will hate a man who left another man.

The snakes hidden among the leaves;
The ants buried underneath the trees.
The owl begs for my soul;
And the only thought that I can see:
“Congo is a wonderful place to be”

[Nya-chan Production]

ado vs adieu? :>

But it's a nice poem, actually ^^

[aesling]

Hmmm, interesting. I think this has potential. However, the language used is a little lacking. The idea presented are very riveting, but I think sometimes you end up stating things too directly, and it takes some of the power out of the poem. You did really well with the part talking about baptism and burning on the cross; those were some powerful images. However, it seemed like much of the poem before that was merely a statement of facts. Put in some more imagery to evoke emotion in the reader. You don't have to be overly complicated with the words you use, but you want to bring many emotions and ideas forth with a poem, not just a few. Build up to the ideas you're trying to present, instead of just coming out and stating them immediately. All in all, I think it needs some polishing, but the ideas presented were very intriguing. Keep up the good work.

[lloyd9988]

Hmmm, interesting. I think this has potential. However, the language used is a little lacking. The idea presented are very riveting, but I think sometimes you end up stating things too directly, and it takes some of the power out of the poem. You did really well with the part talking about baptism and burning on the cross; those were some powerful images. However, it seemed like much of the poem before that was merely a statement of facts. Put in some more imagery to evoke emotion in the reader. You don't have to be overly complicated with the words you use, but you want to bring many emotions and ideas forth with a poem, not just a few. Build up to the ideas you're trying to present, instead of just coming out and stating them immediately. All in all, I think it needs some polishing, but the ideas presented were very intriguing. Keep up the good work.

@ Aesling: Thanks I knew something in this poem was missing in this poem but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I didn't just want to state facts... and I did polish it up from the first text but it was trying to add imagery that seemed to be a problem for me. Thanks for taking time to read my poem and commenting.

@ Nya-Chan: Ado v/s Adieu... hmm...
Also, thank you for reading my poem and commenting.