The Importance of Statistics

[Orwell]

You may think statistics are inconsequential. But that's how Portugal lost her overseas possessions.

UN: Give us a list of your colonies and non-self-governing territories.
Portugal: Don't have any. All we have are provinces. Says so in our constitution.
UN: Oh come on!
Portugal: I'm serious. We don't have colonies. It's all one country. 'Portugal'.
UN: Please? It's only for statistical purposes.
Portugal: Piffle.
UN: But UNICEF, WHO, FAO, etc. all need to know how to allocate their resources properly. We just need it for the statistics. Just give us the list.
Portugal: Nope. The moment we acknowledge them as non-self-governing, you'll say we can't keep them.
India: Hello. What's going on here?
UN: These bloody Portuguese refuse to give us statistics on their colonies.
Portugal: Excuse me. They're provinces.
UN: Whatever. It's causing immense confusion. We hear there is a malarial outbreak in 'Portugal' and WHO ended up having to distribute tons of quinine across four different continents! Just last month, our Wildlife Fund sent a team to count endangered rhinos in 'Portugal', and now they're roaming around the Algarve beaches with pith helmets and notebooks!
India: Interesting. Oh, we'll see about that.
Portugal: Stay out of this, India. It's none of your business.

(Later that day at the UN General Assembly):

Ghana: ...and so, in conclusion, we urge the colonial powers of the world to accept the principle that their colonies and non-self-governing territories shall be put on the track to self-determination.
*wild applause*
Portugal: Pfft. Doesn't apply to us.
Ghana: And now I pass the floor to our friend from India.
India: Thank you, Ghana. Ladies and Gentlemen of the UN, a grave piece of news has come to there are certain countries who have been very uncooperative in helping us collect statistics on their colonies and non-self-governing territories. Among these are Portugal, ...
Portugal: Point of order. We have no colonies.
Ghana: Motion to refer to the territories of Angola, Mozambique, Portuguese Guinea, Goa, Macao, Timor, etc. as 'colonies' in this debate.
Portugal: But they're not bloody colonies! They're overseas provinces, integral parts of...
UN: Motion granted. We need to move the discussion along, Portugal. We can't sit here quibbling about semantics all day.
India: Well, as I was saying, statistics are being poorly collected....misallocation.......quinine....rhinos ....blah, blah
UN assembly: That is appalling! How wasteful! Shock, shock.
India: Alas, 'tis true, my friends. But if these countries refuse to provide us with proper statistics, we cannot allocate resources properly.
Ghana: Motion to allow the UN statistical agencies to designate distinct territories for statistical purposes themselves, even if not recognized as distinct by governing countries.
Portugal: No! That is not how it goes. You are infringing on sovereignty. You can't decide on your own what is separate territory and what ain't. What if I decided to declare that Uttar Pradesh was a colony? Or Nebraska? Isn't that up to the constitutions of the individual countries?
US: (half-awake) Hm. Nebraska is seceding? Damn those cornhuskers! (falls back asleep)
India: But surely the UN will understand that waste and misallocation cannot go on like this! We're not calling them anything. We're just listing them separately. For statistical purposes only.
UN: Hear hear. Resolution passes. (UNGAR 1541)

(ten minutes later)

India: May I have the floor again? Ladies and Gentleman, it has come to my attention that a certain country has failed to report separate statistics for its colonies and non-self-governing territories. That country is...(drum roll please)...Portugal.
Portugal: Gee. Ain't that a surprise?
UN: Shocking. Why aren't you providing separate statistics for your separate territories?
Portugal: They are integral parts of our country, they are not separate!
India: Whatever you want to call them, I don't care. There should be separate statistics. Would the General Assembly like to hear about the rhinos again?
UN: Dear lord, no. We've heard enough.
Ghana: Motion to allow the UN statistical agencies to designate Angola, Mozambique, Cape Verde, Portuguese Guinea, Goa, Macao, Timor, etc. separately for statistical purposes.
Portugal: You can't do that!!
India: Sure we can. We just passed a resolution ten minutes ago saying we could.
Portugal: F*ck you.
UN: Resolution passes (UNGAR 1542)

(ten minutes later)

India: May I have the floor one more time? Ladies and Gentleman, it has come to my attention that certain countries with colonies and non-self-governing territories that have not reported to the UN Trusteeship Council.
UN: Really? Who?
India: Portugal.
Portugal: Bloody hell! I've told you a thousand times. We don't have colonies or non-self-governing territories.
India: Excuse me? I have before me a list provided by the UN statistical office that clearly indicates that Angola, Mozambique, Portuguese Guinea, Goa, Macao, Timor, etc. as distinct and separate territories. As far as anyone can tell, they are not self-governing. Ergo...
Portugal: Infamy!
UN: But is this any of our business?
India: Indeed it is, Sir. It is right there in our charter. Countries must prove to the satisfaction of the UN Trusteeship Council that their colonies and non-self-governing territories have been given the opportunity to decide their fate.
Portugal: Mr. Chairman, I'd like to point out that the charter makes it clear that this doesn't apply if it infringes on sovereign territorial integrity of the nation. Our constitution declares that these are provinces, PROVINCES...
India: UN statistical agency evidently regards them as non-self-governing territories. So the Trusteeship Council must have jurisdiction by definition. Surely, the UN cannot be officially contradictory within itself!
UN: Hm. An official contradiction can't stand. How do we get out of this quandry...
Ghana: If I may? Motion to officially designate Angola, Mozambique, Portuguese Guinea, Goa, Macao, Timor, etc. as non-self-governing territories. That will solve the problem.
Portugal: F*ck you Ghana and your f*cking motions.
UN: We'll take this up after lunch.

(UN cafeteria)
Portugal: USA, you've got to help us.
US: In case you haven't realized, Americans aren't warmly inclined towards colonialists.
Portugal: But imagine if the UN designated Nebraska as a colony or non-self-governing territory? Next thing you'll know, there will be demands for the decolonization of Nebraska. You wouldn't put up with that, would you?
US: No. But we can nuke anybody who even thinks about it, so they'll never even try. Sorry bub. Why don't you try your old pal, Britain?
Britain: Sorry old chap. Her Majesty's government isn't going to cross swords with a member of the Commonwealth. Besides, we didn't get to keep our bit of India, why should you?
Portugal: F*cking two-faced allies. Spain! Spain, my dear Spain! Ceuta, Mellila, you know they're after you too! Stand with us on this.
Spain: No can do, amigo. Already had a chat with India. They said they would pull a similar stunt on Gibraltar, and we'd much rather that.
South Africa: We'll stand by you, Portuguese.
Portugal: Er...thanks?

(lunch over)

UN: Ladies and Gentleman, let us now take up Ghana's motion to officially designate the territories of Angola, Mozambique, Portuguese Guinea, Goa, Macao, Timor, etc. as non-self-governing colonies.
Portugal: We protest!
South Africa: Ja, we protest too!
India: Look everyone, Portugal has racists on her side!
UN assembly: Boo. Hiss. Down with racism.
US: Whatever, dudes.
UK: Her Majesty has no comment.
Spain: Hey, what about Gibraltar?
India: Next week, Spaniard, next week.
(vote passes).
Portugal: F*ck you all.
India: Tee-hee-hee.

UN: I'm sorry Portugal. You are now in possession of colonies and subject to review by the Trusteeship Council. Will the chairman of the Trusteeship Council please report. Who is that? Oh, yes, the USA.
US: zzzzzzzzzz just send Sherman to Nebraska, that'll show 'em zzzzzzzzzzz
UN: Um. OK, we'll just bring in the vice-chairman then....oh, India.
India: That's me.
Portugal: F*ck. F*ck. F*ck.
UN: And what is your judgment?
India: The Trusteeship Council finds that Portugal has taken absolutely no steps towards consulting the people of its territories over their self-determination. That is a violation of Portugal's obligations under the UN Charter.
UN: That is serious. What can we do about it?
Ghana: If I may? Motion to chastise Portugal for violating the self-determination clause of the UN Charter and order her to prepare a referendum for independence for all her non-self-governing territories.
Portugal: F*ck you very much.
(motion passes)

(one week later)

Portugal: Ladies and Gentleman, the armed forces of India have invaded our country! Aggression! Chastise her, chastise her.
India: The government of India is happy to announce that the oppressed people of Goa have been liberated.
Portugal: But you invaded us!!
India: Nonsense. We just helped a non-self-governing colony on their way to self-determination.
Portugal: But it was unprovoked aggression! Invasion! Come on people! UN charter and all that! Isn't this what it's all about?
South Africa: Ja, ja. The Republic of South Africa will not allow such blatant violations to ....
India: Oh, shut the f*ck up, you racists.
Portugal: Come on guys! Say something, do something.
US: Bad India. Very bad India. zzzzzzzz ... reduce Omaha to ashes, that's what we'll do... zzzzzzz
UK: Don't look at us, old chum. We got kicked out of India too.
Spain: Where the f*ck is my Gibraltar resolution?
Indonesia: Hm. Now this gives me an interesting idea...
Ghana: Motion to ignore....
India: Ha ha.
Portugal: Oh, we'll see about that. I demand a referendum in Goa!
India: Goa is not a non-self-governing territory. It is a province, an integral part of India. Says so in our constitution.
Portugal:
Spain: I'm serious guys. This isn't funny. Where's my Gibraltar resolution? Hello?

[CodeZTM]

Nice to know my next semester of Business Statistics have a purpose in life.